welcome to the time of the year for letting go dear ones...the first harvesting, the time for re-assessment, and the brave acknowledgment of where, just maybe, we are getting in the way of it all goddamit!!!...a leap into the unknown, dropping the old mind, the old ways, and shaking things loose, all clears us ready to be filled anew for the journey towards the dark of the year :-)
the following quote, by the ever wise, ever inspiring pema chodron, has captured my attention this week and has been resonating and vibrating its wisdom through my bones...
''By not knowing, not hoping to know and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength''
hmmm...not knowing hey?!...interesting as i have found that over the last few months a certain thought has been playing on repeat like a scratched vinyl record in my mind...''how do i do it!!''..or sometimes its cousin chimes in...''i dont know how to do it!!''...the key being the word 'how', and the belief that somehow it's 'i' that needs to, well, 'do it!' (whatever it is..lets say for arguements sake we will call 'it', 'life itself')...so, armed ready and willing to step deeper into the dance of life i feel like i stall at the first gateway...you see, as many of you might relate, i am one of those folk that, you might say, has the tiniest issue with being in control...i mean ever so slightly of course, needing everything and everyone to fit into my vision of how it should be!...i seem to hold this cherished idea of how life should be, what happens next, how you must behave, and woe betide if plans dont match mine!!...dont get me wrong, im no tyrant (at least i dont think i am and i am pretty sure that someone might have sat me down and pointed that out if so), but my need to control all aspects of my life means i need to 'know'...how, when, why, what etc...in fact the whole damn gamut!!...you see the more i am in control, the more, i have always believed, i am 'safe'...safe and secure from the uncertainties of life..those ghastly uncertainties that can truly mess up a chica's best made clipboard holding plans!!...gulp!
what i realise recently, and this came to me quite starkly in a recent meditation, is that by needing to know and control pretty much every aspect of my life doesnt leave any space for the magic, mystery and manifestation to appear..none...nada...zilch...gulp again!!...and in fact, its exactly these uncertainties that hold the key to life's mystery, magic and...erm...manifestations!...so, all those years of holding on tightly and putting everything into a box marked 'this is how it should be', has meant narrowing the tunnel of life's flow, just letting a trickle through, when a whole goddamn ocean of myriad delights has been passing me by!...bummer!!
not knowing hey?...shit thats scary!
you see, my old way had its reasoning folk...if i knew exactly how it was going to be then i could 'protect' myself...i could support myself and ensure that the troublesome experience of an unpredictable life couldnt hurt me, or disappoint me...and yet though this may be true i was in fact living in a separate little bubble...disconnected and certainly not deeply in relationship to life (which ironically i have been seeking and yearning for for many years)...you see, its this relationship to life, when we get outta the way of 'knowing' how it should be, tho filled with uncertainty, hurt, disappointment and chaos, also holds deep joy, love, connection, and the richness of human vulnerable engagement...its a whole spectrum of colours!
which brings me to the key 'friend' here...that as we drop a little more, putting down the clipboard, the plans, the 'how to's' and 'know hows', emptying our hands, unburdening our shoulders, hearts and mind, and offering ourselves into the spacious chasm of the gateway marked '??'...reach out your hand and ask for faith...as all the old false foundations of 'safety' come falling down, hold her hand tight and feel her support...we wont crumble and disappear...we cant lose ourselves if we feel our feet n bellies n heart...and we cant get lost if we ask her to guide and hold us...faith is our friend and the hand to rest into as we head out far far beyond the gateway marked 'unknown' xxx
as mister george michael said in one of his 80's moments
'i gotta have faith...!'
Finally I leave you with the words of rumi…a reminder of how to respond to life from a place of faith and not knowing xxx
‘sell your cleverness, and buy bewilderment’