this lil olde game called life!

Choices choices choices…

 
Way way back, when times were simpler, when folk were noticeably missing the extra electronic appendage that seems to be the norm these days, and the t’internet was just some part of the sci-fi geeks fantasy, we used to play board games…some of these have survived the modern day onslaught of computer gaming, such as 'monopoly', 'operation', and my all time favourite (probably because I was the school champ many eons ago!!), 'scrabble'!

  

Time spent at granny's house guaranteed the most satisfying tournament of 'draughts', which as I recall, turned into the more complex, yet still grasping hold of the old black n red pieces, game of 'backgammon'! Hmmm!!...those were the days!

and yet, it is the more basic and no less appealing game of 'snakes and ladders' that has been providing me with inspiration lately!...so so simple..just roll ya dice, take the steps, and watch your fate play out, in an attempt to reach the end game!...of course, the number of the dice was paramount to one's unravelling destiny here, but i got to thinking, this is all rather like the more biggly, and a helluva lot more 3 dimensional, game we call life :-)

it's most likely that one isnt prone to making life decisions based on 2 pocket sized innocent cuboids (like that guy in 'the dice man'..well look what happened to him!!)...but what happens when we face a decision, from the seemingly insignificant 'what colour to dye my hair this week?!', to the more grandiose 'shall i leave this relationship?/ take this job?/ sell up and travel to mongolia??'

we have a choice to make

endless discussions with beloved and trusty mates may ensue over a hefty number of nerve jangling cups of mochas (yum..my fave!)..advice sagely offered...we gather up our evidence weighing in the pros and cons...and yet we still may put off that decision for another dawning day...and yet, interestingly, the longer we prolonge our choice, the longer we hold our energy in a captive state of hyperventilation...the constant indecisions keep our energy held like the proverbial baited breath...and quite frankly, forget the damningly delicious coffee, this is enough to keep our nerves a jangling in anxiety for as long as we dance on the line!!

making a choice is empowering...actually, fuck that!...making a choice is probably THE most empowering step we can ever make...as soon as we say 'yes' or 'no', we open the floodgates for our energy to rush in, along with the universe's support, and power up the thread we have chosen to fuel....making choices, especially the one's we really have no idea as to the ultimate outcome, is a thrill, a breath of fresh air, an inspiration!

and yet, how do we make that choice?..quite simply, there are really only 2 variables..we choose either through fear or through love..that's it folks...no-thing more!...when we give in to the sneaky slimey and gut clenching voice of fear, we fall down the old 'snake', taking us away from expansion, from connection, from challenge and from living more fully....when we take a deep breath, and in cahoots with our belly, bones and heart, we follow that which seems to enliven and that we 'know' is the appropriate choice, tho it may scare the bejesus outta us, then we climb up the 'ladder', lifting ouselves higher and higher upon our chosen path :-)

oh..and one more thing...when we have made the choice, whatever that may be, we can change our minds!..i know...its great isnt it!?...nothing needs to be set in stone...what i have been noticing recently is just this..a perpetual procrastinator, this making a conscious decision malarky is rather new to me...and there have been several occasions, whilst practicing the art of choosing, that its only after i have said 'yes' or 'no' that i realise that i needed to change my choice..its like trying on that outfit to really know if it suits you!

so..choose wisely dear ones...listen to those you love..but even more so. and even more urgently, listen to yourself...and let yourself get it wrong, and then, very kindly, choose again...someone very wise once said 'power is choice', and i rather agree :-)

love and solar blessings xxx

delving into the dark side

touching the dark

its been a while folks...over a month of silence and all quiet on the writing front..ironically i have been scribbling like a speeding scribe in the private world of my journal...using the words there to light a torch to light the way through, up and out of the labyrinth that i had landed in...

a few weeks ago, armed with a bearded friend, i eagerly awaited the lights down, anticipatory hush of the gathered audience to watch the latest offering of 'supposed' horror at the local flicks...a couple of hours later, and slightly deflated, we left, the itch still unsatiated to be chilled to the core...as the quest continues to fill that void, i am interested in why the fascination with this spooky genre?

my love for these films shows no sign of dwindling, and, to be honest, the freakier and more disturbing the better!...i am not alone in my appetite, and, looking at the possible pull towards digesting the unsavoury, there are several reasons for their allure that resonate within and through me!

horror films deal with the dark side of life, human nature and the occult/ absurd/ mythology/ and nightmares...this part of life exists folk, thats a fact...in order for there to be light, there has to be dark...in order for the great artists of the past, for instance caravaggio, to explore and demonstrate his breathtakingly powerful use of chiaroscuro, these two opposites were the keys...for there to be god, according to westernised church religion, there has to be the devil, or satan...

in times past, the telling of tales, a la, brothers grimm, and fascinating universal folklore fables offered a slight twist to the safety of the disney-fied 'all lived happily ever after' fluffy fairy tales of modern day...stories of old were not afraid to put their hands in the pot of the macabre, the creepy, and the evil that lurked within the conscious and unconscious of the world

and their effect? to de-mystify this hidden side...to bring us face to face with our fears...fear being a universal human condition...the world we wonder within today often can feel too 'safe', sanitised and anaesthetised...in short, our consumer, lawed society, though seeking to protect and support our lives, often voids and avoids the necessity to face our shadows and all that goes bump in the night!

and so, how does this relate to the alchemist gone awol recently? well...post a recent retreat, delving to nudge and shake up the ole ego's masks, i experienced a powerful shattering of a well worn patterning...awareness is the key folks, and for that i am grateful...however, returning back to my life and i have been visited by an old old familiar...its name?..inertia

for many years, inertia held me in her grip...lost in her cave, resulted in low lying depression for me, and the climb out has been an on-going journey...she is my 'demon' in a way...drawing me down into a drowsy drugged bed of endless doped up dreamworld...fuzzy and heavy...death herself...suffocating me into numbness with the weighty embrace of her skeletal arms...she promised me safety...she soothed the need to be alive and engaged...and she provided me with stuckness needed to avoid taking responsibility for my life...its only really recently that the battle to free myself, and ultimately my energy and my whole goddamn life!, has begun!! for me, this battle is a daily one...the fight is anybodys..some rounds i have won, lifting myself into the delight and connection with my Self and my potential...and some days, that devilish demon has taken the title, sitting on me so i can barely move!

but you know what? something is different...for some reason (maybe i am gently waking up?), i dont actually believe her anymore...i am not losing myself and drowning in her depths...i can see...and so, instead of feeling like this cloud is a constant companion, her power is not as forceful...cracking up, breaking down, fragmenting and letting go...something is shifting inside and though uncomfortable,and sometimes painful, im riding the waves of this quest...

essentially, she is a doorway, albeit a spider webbed, gothic, creeking one, into facing what she guards...my fear

so with all my weapons employed, and armoured in my kick-ass guise, i get ready to face this foe...ready to fight for my life..and ready to face and touch, the dark side... 

may the best (wo)man win!! ;-)

equinox blessings

tightrope walking....how does one do it??...an impossibly beautiful vision..a singular breathtaking feat of mindful focus and carefully placed soles

i have always been fascinated by the seemingly inhuman abilities of the circus folk...all that shape shifting, tumbling, limb origami and almost bird like behaviour on the trapeze..i know its a cliche, but i have often dreamt of running away with the circus next time they roll into town!...in fact this desire peaked a few years ago whilst witnessing this god like man of sculpted torso, eyeliner like when spiderman went all crazy bad, clad only in the tightest of pvc shorts, spinning around 100 feet in the air, only his manly grip on the rope resisting his fall from grace! sigh! my heart skipped a beat, and my mind went into overdrive ;-)...anyways, i digress....

learning to balance on our yoga mats is a continous process of yielding and lifting, of shifting weight and expanding into the space...we cannot balance if we are too collapsed as all our weight will simply pull us towards gravities fate...and we will hardly remain standing for long if we become too rigid, forcibly willing ourselves to stay up straight!...there has to be a middle way, a path that dances between the two, requiring that mindfullness and focus that the magic of the tightrope walker demonstrates with all his beauty...the path of effort and surrender

as the spring equinox delights us with equal day and night, and the coming lighter days and shorter evenings welcoming in the fire, the yang energy, we stand at the apex of this shift of the seasons...this particular seasonal shift i feel is the strongest we encounter all year...we seek to shrug off the old skin that we had snuggled deeply into through the winters quiet times..time to slough off the heaviness and take a lighter, more feathered coat!...this waking up can be tricky..if we go to fast, ploughing ahead we may lose ourselves and the wonder and magic of every precious and rich moment...too slow and we get left behind, decay and inertia squeezing our newly grown skin which struggles to breathe and spread its metaphorical wings

i had an interesting gift in my dance practice yesterday...i began rooted to the spot..feeling embodied, my legs felt solid and still...and yet my hands were playing a chaotic melody on some invisible piano, fingers beating against my thighs..ok i thought, now what?...staying with the movement my arms began to join in, waving and circling, shoulders releasing and side ribs rising and falling...this continued for some time, and i wondered how long i would be engaged in this repetitive rhythm...after some time, something shifted..my arms and hands began to soften, and slow...at the same time, my feet began to lift, one and then the other, marching on my still spot...i noticed that now, my whole body seemed to be in synch...and without reason, or effort, i began to move around the space, here and there, my feet lightly treading into moments new...

what had happened? well, i realised that in order to move with ease and freedom into the next steps of my 'life', my legs and feet had to become more alive and awake, and at the same time, my arms and hands had to slow down their impatient motion..only then, at the point of balance, did i begin to fly! :-)

so, as we gather our selves for the new journey into the unknown before us, make like the tree (another cliche perhaps in the yoga world, and yet so so full of truth)...find those roots, the stability of the earth within and around us, and from this place, fuelled by the sustenance of the breath, allow your wings to lift you upwards and into expansion, into life itself

walk the tightrope of every moment dear ones, awake, alive, lightly and with patience...sparkled bejewelled sequinned catsuit optional ;-)!!

a drop in the ocean

a drop in the ocean...one small step...you gotta start somewhere...so many phrases apply to that first tiny action that will propel us outta the stratosphere!..right?...erm... well maybe...

effort and surrender...the keys to the dance and rhythm of life...a vital part of how to play the game, to surf the yin and yang of all that arises for us at every moment...yet how do we know when to let go and surrender, and when to buck up and put a little more energy in?!..how much is our responsibility and when does dear old ego get a lil in the way??!

this puzzling dynamic of effort and surrender has been a constant questioning for many years for me...if i put too much effort into the pot, then am i pushing against the flow too hard, using my will to force life to roll my way?...eventually exhausting myself and having to spin a thousand plates in a constant one eye open kinda way!!...i have done this, many times, imposing over to get 'there'...and surrender has, quite frankly, scared the hell outta me...why?...because to be honest, for many years surrender has been associated in my mind with collapse..i have been scared that if i do let go of the reins, that old control keeping the engine roaring, then theres no way to go but down..down to the ground with a not so elegant crash!! (and can you seriously imagine the sound of all that crockery breaking..one shudders at the thought!!)

dramatic? maybe..but truthful too...interestingly though, another word for 'collapse' is to 'yield', and that my lovelies, i feel is part of the secret to surrendering...what does to yield mean?..according to my online thesaurus, ooh get me! ;-), this implies the wondrous ability to 'bow to', 'to give oneself over to', to relax, to relenquish, and, aha!, to 'go with the flow'..bingo!

how do we apply this to life though? what does it all mean??
well firstly, we really do need to be present, to be at home, to be living in our body...we need to have a container to live and experience our life in, to hold and support the rollercoaster of the journey..indeed, it is well known that before undertaking a strong pranayama practice (extending and retaining our life force via the breath) it is recommended that our body be fired like a clay pot, or else we are in trouble! we wont be able to contain the strength and potency of our vitality, our spirit...

so, as i call it, lets start by 'showing up'...thats a given!..what next?...well next we wanna direct our energy, to our dreams, our job, our tasks, our relationships, basically to any part of our life...to take action we need to have an intention and give our attention to that which we face towards..however, its not enough...we cant then just sit down, make a brew or grab a port and give ourselves a pat on the back...no my friends, something else is needed here...and that is..commitment...ah yes...our engagement, responsibility, and essentially our pledge to give effort to that particular step

now heres the alchemy part, that final ingredient that links effort and surrender together....we stay present..to every moment, every breath, to each impulse that pulses and makes our heart sing, and at the same time, we follow and give attention and dedicated effort to our actions...moving back and forth between listening and work, between being and doing....between letting go into the knowing that holds all, and the willingness to create with every part of us alive and awake...thats the way to dance our life...not easy, and not always possible...but a great blueprint my friends!

so that one lil step, that one small drop in the ocean, if done mindfully, with awareness and engagement, will open up a whole new landscape for us to relax into and, in that moment, we can pause, offer gratitude, and wait for that next lil whisper of knowing, before taking that just one more step into life..lets not miss a moment folks xxx

hello bud(dy)!

lil bud photo taken saturday 4th feb

i have a little plant that sits on my bedroom window ledge..she has been there minding her own business since last july..she doesnt ask for much, or complain or need too much fussing over...a pretty independent lil thing!...and she has never ever flowered before!..so imagine my surprise and utter delight when throwing open the curtains to greet a bright yet freezing cool day, i was greeted by the sight of this pink, petaled wonder :-)...and she has companions too, other lil buds are making there way through, up and out to say 'good day!' to the lush rich tapestry of one of manchester's busiest city centre streets

why now dear bloom? what on earth made this little wonder decide 'it's time!', and wake up from its 100 year sleep (a slight nod to olde sleeping beauty there!)...being of mystical mind i like to believe that the dawning of imbolc (the return of the light) a few days earlier reminded her to put on her glad rags and opt out of the dark comfort of inward dwelling! who knew that waiting inside of all this lush greenery a pink petalled flower was about to make her debut!

can you feel it in the air dear ones? a kinda pulse to awaken, to jump outta bed and say a big 'yes!' to the waiting world...with the return of the light its time to shake the sleep outta our bones, to open our eyes and tentatively and tenderly say 'hello' again to life...not too fast i might add, but gently, mindfully and listening to the impulses that point the way forwards...i have begun to write again, to journal and reflect upon my intentions that i wish to give attention to for the year ahead...to question what desires lie trembling with excitement at my heart

but how to direct those first steps? what do we need to have as our companions on this journey? so thinking about the lil bud again i came up with these qualities to guide us through this time:

determination
trust
faith
enthusiasm
focus
belief
innocence
grace
vulnerability
guts (are flowers brave?!)
and a willingness to shine

hmmm...sounds like quite a treasure chest of life skills to me :-)

offer yourself to life my lovelies, take that risk...in your uniqueness you offer something of yourself into the matrix and weave of the universe...something only you can make manifest..it doesnt have to be huge, or life changing, or even noticed, but its you and thats truly a wondrous special and precious gift..so take a step, just the one for now...be brave! xxx

oh, by the way, since i took that photo of lil bud on saturday, she has bloomed into a rather sumptuous divine flower...who knew hey, who knew! xxx

bone tinglingly juicy!

baba yaga calls my name
(mixed media shadow box)

well howdy lovely human (and huwoman) beings...tuesdays new moon has reminded us to continue to be with the hush of winter...if, like me, you have found yourself a seesawing between the 'right then, lets get on with this busy-ness of life, rubbing my hands with glee' and the 'oh my, cant i just stay snuggled up in my cave just a lil bit longer..pleeaase!??' then you are not alone

there's something about january that, post all the new year and seasonal festive delights, feels soberingly 'normal', a kinda resigned sighing of 'back to real life'!..and yet, be gentle with those strides out into the big wide world, as we are still hanging out in the time of winter

ah yes...breathe out a breath of relief...its ok to take time to peer into the bright lights of the big city again...to be in the hustle n bustle of lifes rolling, and then to scamper back into the comfort of the duvet..to begin in dreaming and wondering how to take steps, and then put down the action plan and let the imagination roam for an hour or two hazily and daisily!

the dreamtime of the year is extremely important for all levels of our being..reclaiming the rest our body's need...landing the emotional body after the heightened roller coaster of the end of year partying and family whirl...reflecting on our wishes and intentions for the year ahead...having the space and time to listen, to really listen in to the whispers and calling that lies deep in our bones

ahh! our bones! our skeletal framework that hangs our body in place and gives form for our dance in the world...in mind-body energetics our bones are the oldest part of our physical being, holding our deepest memories, stories of our past, and the impressions carried through the ancestor line...they also remind us of the deepest 'knowing' we hold in our body...its no coincidence that we use the expression 'i feel it in my bones'!

i have become a lil curious (translate as 'obsessive') about bones recently, resulting in a cornucopia of creative ideas to get my teeth and blood into
(ok, maybe i am also feeling inspired about all the elemental parts of the body, those 'earthy' aspects of our physicality!)...how exciting!...and the first port of call? to the goddesses of old...older than crone...bone goddesses carry the thread of winters shifts and magic...reminding us of the continual death and rebirth cycles of life....like kali or hecate..terrifying visions, these creatures are wild...wild because they offer the knowledge of transformation, shedding, surrendering and the initiation from one way of living to another...all the quests that heroes undertake and which we, as a whole, are curiously intrigued by, include a perilous mission often facing 'death' in some manner

and so this week i have been getting to know the old bone goddess of russian and eastern europe folklore, baba yaga..no, this is no reference to that tasty aubergine dish familiar to middle eastern cuisine!...baba yaga is known as a formidable and quite frightful force, flying around in her cauldron shaped like a mortar and pestle...she lives in a hut created from the bones of human beans, that dances on crazy chicken legs!...she takes no prisoners and through her seemingly impossible tasks, reunites us once again to the 'knowing' we all hold within...our ancient bone wisdom...that lights our light and shines our fire so goddamn brightly and fiercely that all that denies our spirits path is burned away to ashes!..hallelulah!!

so my lovelies..listen to your bones..check in with them regularly...feel their yearnings..and honour their direction...our bones carry the juice to light up and fuel our intentions for the year ahead...prepare the way to take your warrior(ess) steps out into the beauty of this crazy wild world!!....and be patient, oh yes, patient, as we continue to honour the wisdom of the dark time of the year!..maybe if we are lucky (or blessed), the glow of our bones will lead us majestically out into the light of the world very soon xxx

little step by little step

happy new year dear ones and welcome to 2012...the year of possibilities, of love, of taking steps into the unknown, and of living each moment with passion, creativity, delight and a sprinkling of 'ooh la la!' (well..these are my wishes for the year ahead :-) !)

so we are at this time again when the year ahead beckons invitingly with its blank pages, the images we draw, paint, scribble and invoke as yet to become clear..a little like those magic markers we used to play with in our childhood years!

and just as we crawl outta bed on the new side of the year, our lists of intentions become once more of pleading importance for our future self..maybe this year we will change this behaviour, maybe this year we will let go effortlessly, maybe this year, just like that, we will step into a brand new 'me'

and yet, as the fog of the festive season begins to lift, and the reality of another monday morning dawns, all is the same, and nothing has magically shifted in the wee hour of the witch (which apparently is between 4 and 5 a.m.!)

bugger!!

but before you sigh in resignation and the wonder of whether next year will bring about the seemingly impossible lets take heart and seek a lil deeper understanding from mister patanjali himself (the 'father' of modern yoga, and the scribe of the yoga sutras)...and lets start at the very beginning of the 8 fold noble path of yoga...

in brief, patanjali likened the different practices of yoga, to a tree, with each branch neither more or less important to another...these 8 'limbs', are: yama (worldly observances), niyama (self observances), asana (postures), pranayama (control of energy, prana, through the breath), pratyahara (drawing inwards away from the outward sensory experiences), dharana (concentration on a chosen object), dhyana (meditation, or total absorption with that object) and samadhi (a state of oneness, or, enlightenment).

most of western yoga, and i say this with equal concern as well as respect, chooses to concentrate on asana, or postures, as the 'main' aspect of yoga practice, and yet patanjali hardly offers much guidance in this area..however, for the purposes of this post, i want to focus curiousity on the first limb, yama.

'yama' is often descibed as a 'restraint of...' certain behaviours..almost a list of should nots...the 5 yamas mentioned in the sutras are: non-harming, non-lying, non-stealing, non-abuse of our sexual energy, and non-grasping....yet why does he not just say 'be kind, be truthful etc...'?...surely thats what he means?

and yet, it is precisely the wording of this list that shows us exactly how we can work with these 'intentions', for that is what they feel to me to represent...intentions..just like what we all make at the beginning of every new year...with all the wishing in our hearts and bones to be kind, to be honest, to be living in a state of graceful flow, we are simply human, and to jump from one way of behaving straight into another does not bode well, and ususally does not last long...so what patanjali suggests, and im so with him on this one, is to take one lil step by lil step at a time...so instead of suddenly becoming the most honest person in all of manchester, for instance, start the practice of non-harming gently....

first, we need to notice each time we go to 'harm' either ourselves, or each other, through our thoughts and words and actions...we need to begin by cultivating the witness aspect of the self, to observe when we 'fall down' into that particular habit pattern..we may still do so for a long time, but we start to notice this more...and then comes a time when we realise we have a choice, either we react in the old way, or we can choose, just in that moment, to respond differently...each time we do so we start to create a new pattern, one more in line with our hearts and higher self...

its not enough just to quickly change behaviour...most of the time it isnt the actual 'behaviuor' we need to address, but the underlying reason for doing it in the first place...perhaps, as we appraoch each choice with awareness, we may find that underneath, we meet our loneliness, or hatred, or sadness...normal human emotions, but ones we chose to cover over long ago with those exact patterns we want to change

i realise i have written a goddamn essay here, and those of you still reading i offer gratitude for your interest in these words...before i sign off though, something else about the word 'yama'...Yama is also in hindu mythology, the god of death....and it is exactly this dying of our ego patterns that happens when we begin to practice the yamas...as we slowly and gently shed the leaves, and maybe one day the root of certain habits, we are transformed and more energy becomes available to us.

so, be gentle with yourself..have compassion for your journey, and remember, lil step by lil step is the way.

blessings, love and joy to you

xxx