Monday, 31 December 2012

40daysbefore40 day 7: new years eve love and light xxx



the space between the old and the new

the pause after the out breath and before the next breath in

between dusk and dawn

may the seeds of appreciation of the year passing over take root in the soil of your year to come




xxx maybe this post is a cop out...a hardly there snippet of my presence for today...and yet the profundity and beauty of the day...dancing with tribe...remembering, honouring, letting go, taking with, dancing it all out and in with breath after breath, wave after wave...witnessing and being witnessed...wings still forming after a year of emerging, not quite ready to fly but on the edge...found my arms, my breath, my way home...found my heart and my tenderness...insight and inspiration...clarity and the sifting sieving for gold from all the lead...and willing to dare...YES!!..finally, a week in and a dare to claim as my own!...standing up in front of about 60 folk, present and belly centred...offering my epitaph for 2012...being received...being receptive..being seen and being heard...halleluyah!!
blessings and love to you all on this portal potent pirouette into the unknown....see you next year ;-)


Sunday, 30 December 2012

40daysbefore40 day 6: ode to my lover xxx

''welcome to the moment of life''

i danced to honour you today my lover

our waltz around the room of 12 months is drawing near the end

kicking out time soon and i want a proper farewell

i danced the steps we created together

you whirled me around the floor and swept me off my feet

you teased me and whispered late into the nights

of half eaten dreams

of love around the corners

of places to travel arm in arm

in cahoots armed only with a secret plan

so secret i never knew

you showed me your world dear lover

i showed you mine

we lay together entwined

we sang and argued

we laughed and sighed and cried

i tried to kick you out and left the door on the latch

and yet you didnt leave

you ole faithful

you stayed with me

all year

12 months

my lover


it is time to say goodbye

to go our seperate ways

i am due to meet a new lover at the stroke of midnight

its an impossible love affair

we cant continue prolong the inevitable

lets be graceful and drop each others hands

and part with such sweet sorrow

thank you for the dance

thanks for the memories

and for the moments called my life


40daysbefore40 day5: time after time

 (press here for a musical accompaniment to your reading)
a funny olde character
a linear projector flash style into the one way future 
travelling down from manchester via london to brighton, watching the blur of the landscape pass me by...i used to love watching that blur outta car windows when i was the known melts into an impressionists (or should that be expressionists!) palette right in front of our eyes
the present becomes a bridge, an untangible shifting bridge, between the past and the future
i was reflecting on this today..i mean after all what are long train journeys all about? stuck in a shuttle that whizzes you to destination new without having to place your dainty feet on the earth...choose your options: doze, listen to music, watch a movie on a miniscule screen, eat marks and spencers food, drink bad train coffee, entertain small children by walking up and down the aisles many many times,do your homework, write spreadsheets...maybe all of the above! ;-) preferred activity of choice was observation...i dont know about you but have you ever found yourself watching someone in deep fascination at their whole demeanour before realizing that they are looking at you uncomfortably as you seem to be projecting an air of 'wierdo stalker' onto them? time to lower the eyes possibly?? 

so watching the various forms of life my attention drawn then to the flashing fazey haze of colour of the nature scape as we hurtle into the future...ah yes..time

i began to reflect upon the necessity to mark times passage...via birthdays, anniversarys, sentences, season changes and the big one that is difficult to avoid, the end of the year and the beginning of the mark any occasion is a ritual and i am big on the end of 2012 looms

firstly hurrah the world didnt someone pointed out that means we have all been given another chance...yippee!!

secondly, what does it mean to say goodbye to the year just passed? this time last year i celebrated at my teacher's on retreat in of the rituals we offered up was in taking vows to marry ourselves to our new lover '2012'...such a beautiful right of passage and a commitment to ourself in being clear as to what our side of the bargain is about!

as we approach the last few days of 2012 and as i approach the last few weeks of my 30's, i am struck by the importance of our relationship to time gone by...our past holds so much of joy and delight...moments of heart break and devastation...what do we do with these moments gone by? 

i feel that is is imperative for us to move on with empty hands and an empty bowl (please sir can i have some more?) in order to be filled with the new year...and yet the only way to achieve this is by honouring what has gone look squarely at the year gone by and say adios to all that has gone into the soupy stew so far

what is it you wish to say goodbye to? what are you glad to let go of? what do you need to mourn the loss of? what are you stilll carrying into the new year to follow?

there is time

let the next few days sink these questions into your sleeping cells...ask and listen..find a way to mark and celebrate all that has passed thro and with you on your path so far...

so...for the year gone i start a tentative tender farewell to is what i offer to be acknowledged so far:
awakened energy and fighting for my very life; spanish birthday evening, friends, cocktails, laughter, love and frolicking fun; the decision to put down the search for 'man' and concentrate on me, the relief and flood of energy, the realisation its bloody hard work putting effort and energy into this quest, and the commitment to this practice for me; spain, wild women, holy artists; deep connection to my belly, my centre and to receiving life; my shyness and my mischievous minx; transition tunnel; rodrigo y gabriela and patti smith; weekends of friends near and far; bank holiday frolics; saying goodbye to a past lover; glasgow edinburgh friends old and new; feeling stuck; my own medicine; successful retreats; veils lifting; moments of clarity and receptivity; allowing grief, hurt and disappointment to help me shed; brighton and friends; the realization its all my life, my choices, my responsibility...
so my lovelies..please feel free to share any of your year so far in the comments below..i would love to hear and witness the honoring of your years journey so far :-)
much much love
until tomorrow

Friday, 28 December 2012

40daysbefore40 day 4: a (wo)mans best friend xx

i fell in love with him today ;-)

i am pretty certain that he would continue to sing his heart out for me for eternity or until his batteries run out, whichever came first!
no dragging his whine of lowered nose to the ground in a 'i got the doggy blues' kinda way!

you see he's the kind of creature (and yes as i write these words please dont worry that i am under any sort of illusion that this guy is never know..look what happened to the velveteen rabbit?!) that totally and utterly gives for the pure pleasure of giving...he croons his canine tune because it makes him happy...he offers himself in the spirit of love :-)

now i do understand that the unwavering devotion these sweet creatures bestow upon their human family awards its own blessings...there is something very kind in the make up of these animals, and a proffering of love simply for the sake of it is an astounding quality to experience


according to websters dictionary, kindness means:
The quality of being warm-hearted and considerate and humane and sympathetic

kindness is an attribute that is all about one's is a trait that can only arise from the heart...and an open one at that
 trying to be kind is a pseudo walk that insults rather than compliments ones own truth...kind folk have a certain twinkle in their eye, and a benevolent presence that affords one a feeling of wellbeing

i am often struck by the kindness of humans..its one of those things (and there are oh so many i admit!) that brings a tear to my eye, that touches my own heart...acts of genuine generosity reminds us that we are all connected, that we are all coated with the same brush, that of the human spirit...kindness is a way to reach out and say 'you are cared for', 'you are not alone', 'you are important to this mandala we call the world' xx

and yet how easy is it to be kind? offer from ones heart?

i slipped up today...last afternoon with my family and i fell into an old hole...a familiar arose within me and rocked my was only when i arrived home and found my meditation cushion that all was see, and here i must take a deep breath and dive share with you my human ness and foibles and the places where i fuck up and all that i label as 'yeurghh!!' is part of this 40 day practice..a kind of clearing by confession, an emptying by echoing what has resounded within...and so...

you see i was seeking the midst of familial chaos i felt as if i wasnt seen (eek!!)...this is by no means a novel insight for siree!!...what happens, and with hindsight i can see oh so clearly where i fell in so to speak, is that i become hard, tight in my body and jaw, a lil sulky (eek again!!), and completely lose any nuance of my beautiful and oh yes, very deeply loved, centre! you know what i really needed that attention for dear ones? i needed it to feel loved (ok this is a triple eek alert!)

oh boy!

i have been here before..i have seen the pain of this pattern, both for my self and for my loved ones..i am not proud of this behaviour (especially for a 39yr old adult woman)...and as i saw this become clear in my practice this eve, i began to soften...what allowed this softening? it was by the bubbling arising of the word 'kindness' from some deep loving and kind place within me...'kindness' touched me and i i let it begin to wash over me...its human...and as i stayed with receiving this gentle spirit at my heart i felt the letting go of this 'need'...i let this expectation and false need for attention be felt and i let it go, dissolving into my heart space...i offered kindness to my family for being exactly who they are..i am very blessed and very lucky and i am deeply grateful

the following i offer in devotion to my family 

i love you

'i am grateful for my brother's stories, told in a way that hooks you in eager to hear more and never left unsatiated...a natural storyteller..what a gift xx

i am grateful for my sister in laws gentle beauty..her wise words...and kind heart xx

i am grateful for my sister's friendship...bound by blood yet chosen to walk together in support and love...your courage and adventurous spirit inspires me...your playfulness astounds me xx

i am grateful for my father;s name...his deeply caring nature and unique spirit xx

i am grateful for my mamma's love...her generous child heart xx

i am thankful for my blood line my blood ties my karmic woven ancestor tapestry...for the knots and weft and weave...for the untidy parts that no one sees that lie beneath the showy surface...for the loose ends and frayed edges...for the patterns and colours and for its strength'

may i dare to be the world..and to the next lil doggy (alive or wind up ;-)  ) that meets me on my path

amen xxx



Thursday, 27 December 2012

40daysbefore40 day 3: cry baby

 what is it about tears? those watery lachrimae that fall unaided like dew drops caressing ones cheek with its roll

i cry alot

apart from once, a few years back, when feeling like i needed to cry i went out and immediately bought 'beaches' know, the bette midler/ barbara hershey one...2 childhood friends as different as chalk and cheese, or redheads and brunettes it seems!! years and many dramas later, the brunette gets poorly, really poorly, and dies...cue tears, many many of the droplets..oh god! bette singing 'wind beneath my wings' done in now, nothing to do but fall to my knees in submission to the deity of diamond eyes!!...job done..load lightened..all is well in the world once more

gypsy ex once informed me, quite seriously...are an extremely coveted and mythical item...we could sell them, bottle them at source :-)...set up our wagon and traverse gods fair lands and sinbads oceans...the answer to maiden's wishes and heroes questing...we split up...not sure who got access to that plan..i had the software so to speak, he the idea!

i got sad today, at a cinematic jaunt with lil niece...i would like to point the blame squarely on tinkerbell's shoulders...yet its probably rather cruel to accuse a 3D disney character of making you cry...its not her fault, with her impossibly big eyes, silvery sparkling wings and joyful play in the land of fairies...not to mention the heart tugging reunion with a sister and the challenges of being a winter fairy and a summer fairy and from 2 differing worlds!! ok ok so i got pretty caught up in the action on screen (is it wrong to fancy animated characters? he was the winter forest's king!!)...but even before the main film, whilst the trailers rolling with upcoming pixar blockbusters to be..ahem..rolled...the tears arrived...

now in all honesty am not completely surprised...

a)  this is the second day staying at my moms...there are 9 of us  mentioned yesterday i end up feeling like am 7 again...the ole stories in my mind playing on repeat, any illusion of 'grown up sorted ness' dashed to the i alone in this paradox? adult child comes home for the festivities and somehow leaves the adult bit at the door??!...reminds me of a story i read once about jack kornfield, a wonderful jewish buddhist dude, who after having spent a considerable number of years with his teacher in burma, returns to his roots in brooklyn new york...20 years of practice? reduced to rubble in 20 minutes..welcome to the family ;-)

b)  i hardly drink anymore, well the evening port/ sherry fix to fortify my blood is a common occurence...however last nights local pub antics left me feeling pretty deranged today...

c) already, day 3, i have come up against the cocktail of thoughts that could possibly screech my flow to a mere trickle...jeez...the tumult of beliefs finding their way through the crevices of the shadows of my mind...bastards...
after posting so late last night, with all of the above part of my experience, lying in bed they began to taunt me...'that was rubbish dear!', 'run out of ideas already?', 'is that it??', 'is this enough?', 'will they like it??'....on and on pouring their vitriol and dampening my i said..bastards...

you see the thing is, in order to engage this dance of the unknown with life itself, requires a certain amount of..oh god...letting go of the control stick...yes i had this wild plan to make a divine piece of art to show the world how inspiring i am..and lo and behold, unless i hole myself up, then life is gonna get in the scrap is the way..its my dealing with it thats the see i realised today that, sadly, i have kinda avoided the 'messiness' of life itself...

so...this post has arisen from that insight...

i feel sad...i feel sad that i have lived in my safe pod for so many years, and that stepping out requires the dawning of this gentle is doesnt go to plan...your not the centre of everyones universe (bugger!)...its unpredictable and annoying, others can wind you up the wrong way (particularly family), it makes you feel vulnerable



a new one for me...and yet today i feel vulnerable...i feel tender and its hard to show it..well tinkerbell saw it i think ;-)..can i dare to show this to my family? will they understand? do i need them to...

what ever happens to all the disappointment, the hurt of past failings..failing to be met, to be seen and heard...failing to honour our truth and emotions...failing to be honoured...where does that grief go??

over the last few months i feel like i am melting (a nod to the wicked witch of the east..well it is xmas ;-)  )...old hardness, learned and preserved over the years is beginning to thaw...and this thawing is pouring out thro my eyes...softening my heart...and initiating me into the exclusive club marked 'vulnerable'...even writing that word makes me sad!

at this time of letting go..of the year, of the disappointment that they still dont 'get ya', of too much activity (bear cave remember? xx), can i let go and honour the grief that my gentle heart has held for so long?..if i long to dance with the world then i need to be vulnerable, to take that risk...

and it starts with a few tears xxx

by the way...the sufis beleive that one tear equals a thousand prayers...hallelulah to that!!

lets find the appreciation of life...and so...for today i say thank you for: fairies and popcorn, my nieces, roast veg and spaghetti, teaching beautiful students, allowing my tears, medicine of this prayer and practice, my loved ones, feeling loved, breath, my belly and my feet, and for daring to be human xxx


Wednesday, 26 December 2012

40daysbefore40 day 2: blank canvas and empty spaces

 yesterday, finding myself alone on xmas day..wait..hold the violins no stringed weeping needed...a choice, a curious venture to see the city streets anew, as if for the first time, awakening a la 28 days later, void of sound and the fluxed feet of flocking hither n wither to a to b and back again...


rain falling flash flooding calling n recalling noahs quest..ark time my dears?...empty streets, ghost town, life on pause for a single moments breath...

seeking the space, between the concrete edges of the linear blocks where 9 to 5 reigns supreme..apart from one day of the did it feel? honestly? kinda the same, yet quieter!! 

you see...expectation is a crazy fool...a mind filled full of this is how its gonna be lets ya down...eyes half jaded and made up...i it possible to begin a new journey, a fresh canvas, a blank slate of music awaiting to be born armed with a santa ;-) sack of preconceptions?..i fear not...let it go...dont pretend...arm yaself with the innocence of a child eager to say hello to the day that waits unexpected and brand spankingly afresh :-)

whats that gotta do with day 2? it is: family time, post xmas dinner, nieces small and mermaids; presents; struggling to remain present; champagne (or 2 or 3...); speaking overlapping symphony of disharmonics; feeling like am 7 again; tickly necks and broken plates; pub with sis n bro; several jack n gingers later (thats daniels n ale to you my friend xx); laughter; dancing to REM; pizza; joint n horror movie awaiting; where am i? who am i? what became of her?? falling into family net and letting myself drop drop drop..for now...and here i am...

am not perfect however much i try to be...facades crash down n in in the tumle drier of close ones...lil moments of heart n surrendering to the now

adios amigos

until manana


40 days before 40 day 1...dare you journey with me?

a project by
heidi chadwick

 ok yeah...i know its not perfectly executed in a kinda stylish luc besson way; neither does it have the thrilling tension of a hitchcock tail; nor the edgy black one sided grin of a tarantino flick...but its my first lil movie..and its done...and jesus christ!! (yes you again!!) you have no idea how many hours HOURS i have been trying to put this together, film it, download, compress..etc...wheres this gals brandy pronto senor! ;-)

(a lil recap of the video above :-)  )

evenin' all...and a happy birthday shout out to that renegade anarchic doing it his way jesus...

  its not long to mine now...

40 days to be exact :-) may i present to you kind and curious viewer...
drum roll please!!!

a project that this procrastinating perfectionist has said 'yeehah' to and knowingly, committedly stepped her dancing feet into xx

you see, i have been dreaming recently (well we are in the dreamtime winter slumber where our bear cave dwelling ancestors would gather and share stories, take long naps and huddle by the fire :-) )...i long to step out into life more deeply, to risk and dare to offer my sweet heart and luminous soul...

to share my self, to dare to say yes despite fear raging and pulling me into hiding, to take a risk to look stupid or, god forbid, get it wrong...i yearn to walk into the unknown, to dance over the lines, and jumo into the dark '?' of the unknown...its been coming along time folk, and with the looming gateway into a new decade its time to gently wake up and knock knock knock on the spider webbed window of the cocoon!

but wait a moment...this is a practice, a prayer and i want to feel each and every be alive and awake and responsive and recieve..otherwise whats the point!? gonna be a journey of lil steps...exploring risk and courage, trust and faith, fear and disappointment...ooh incidentally i very nearly had no film to offer you this eve..i felt the disappointment, i voiced it, and you know what? i was about to give up when lo and behold the universe kissed my brow we are :-)

so..heres the key...

each day i will commit to offering a post, whether in film, photo, art, words, musings or by any other such means (carrier pidgeon? telepathy??)

i might not make it..the 40 days thing..but i will try my hardest!

it might be boring or twee..what feels like a daring step to take might fall short of your standards..sorry, but im doing it my my own time..dancing to the beat of my own rhythm xx

yet i want you to be a part of this adventure to..any comments, or sharings please divulge...any suggestions then gladly..erm..suggest away!..any love, it would be a pleasure to receive xx

so..i will leave you with this today (by the way this first post is meant to be on christmas day!)..hey..i wont tell if you wont! xxx 1 of the '40 days before 40' project..and my first dare is to begin..

i have BEGUN

the hardest step they say :-)

til manana dear ones
in gratitude for all your support



Tuesday, 27 November 2012

yoga and art offerings xxx

for the last few months i have been doodling some lil sketches and musing some words to accompany them...i am delighted to offer an alternative seasonal/ festive card for your loved ones...each cream card is printed with one of my original drawings, and comes packaged with a matching envelope and sealed in a plastic cover...the great bonus is that once received, there is no need to throw away or recycle...simply frame your little print and you have your own piece of yoga and wisdom inspired artwork!...magic!!

i offer the cards individually (2.50 pounds), or as a set of 5 (10 pounds), or how about 20, some for you and some to send out :-)...this latter option is at 18 pounds

to order simply list the quantity and alphabet letter e.g. 2 x B, 1 x F, 3 X G etc...easy peasy xx

i also offer a range of prints and little handmade choose the design and i will craft it for you...lovely for a little gift of inspiration to carry around in your purse....these handmade books are 7 pounds each, or 2 for 12 pounds

for further browsing click here :-)

please do not hesitate to get in contact for any further info or just simply to say 'hola' 

thank you for your support


Sunday, 21 October 2012

falling with grace


to fall

to drop effortlessly gliding down down to play the weighted game of gravity's more holding is time...time to let let it go...nothing more is needed now, thank you for your service, hang up your pinny on the way out and put down that endless list that never got tick tocked off...

all we have to do is breathe...breathe out and with the sigh flees all that is ready...ready to fly the nest, nested for ages old within waiting, just awaiting for the lil inner bird call that sweetly tweets 'its time'...a bare whisper that bares all thats needs to be known...'its time' the door, all packed up with an empty suitcase, tickets in hand, one way, way down, or up, or in a kinda helter skelter wind blown autumn laughter in the park doesnt really matter, noone minds...its all a dance

letting go...the sweet toothed surrender into the empty place...ready to be dissolved into the next adventure...

letting go...of the grip that grips great tightness...through the the gossamer scarves of the mysterious gypsy by one they the shining scaled scales of the sacred dragon, felt fear finally fated, softened through prayer and tears, through love and tender holding, until they fall one by one, flinted petals until only bare flesh, nay, the translucence of pulsing life is left standing..raw to the touch, new born, oh so innocent and ancient in its stories...

like alice who fell down that hole and was never the same again...theres no choice..when you hear the whisper 'its time'...



with grace..with hands held with love and knowing and breath and angels and faith and trust and tenderness and the knowing that the call is the call to the surrender of the old life

wait in in line...and like the leaf...when the time comes wear your snazziest most spark flame popping hue

time to surrender..give up give in to the to arms, to arm with wings that which needs to lay to rest..marked forever by descansos, by memory, by time, by crossroads of moments collected and collated in the giant map of marvellous things... 

why hold on...from our grubby fingers let go...let go...let we empty lightness we empty lift off inevitable...all the feathers of the feathered pillow pillowed fought out...empty case, cotton and fresh and filled with where we laid our heads..and yet the carpet fills with feathers, of a creature not yet formed but waiting to take shape, in the dark shadows of the dawn light

fall with grace

its the only way to go



Sunday, 14 October 2012

new illustrations xxx

''she wished she had never told the unicorn that is was rude to point''....print of original illustration available here

''while she was taking a siesta, little fish with sharp teeth ate her tail''....print of original illustration available here

oh what joy! rediscovering the wondrous possibilities of a wandering fine tipped pen and a mind given free rein to drop deep down into the shadow realms of dark!...i love fairy tales, and mythical creatures...horror films and the macabre...the subversive and the beauty found in the seemingly 'ugly'...these illustrations speak a thousand words to and from my soul out into the big wide strange world...a new direction for me and one i look forwards to stepping into deeper and deeper...time to follow alice down the rabbit hole :-)


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

the heart and art of being a human being xxx

''it's all a sukha dukha rollercoaster!!''

i love that phrase, courtesy of one of my darling yogini friends, it basically means, a ride of both the uplifting sweetly delightful (sukha) up moments as well as the unpleasant suffering (dukha) down moments too!...

this last weekend, as the seasons shift of the cyclical year marked the autumn equinox, i attended a weekend long dance workshop lead by the softly souled andrew holmes, which was all about the landscape of the heart...we were exploring this realm of feelings, namely, fear, anger, sadness, joy and know, just the usual human range of emotions :-)

the rollercoaster analogy served me well as the dance opened the doorways to delve deep into the hues and timbre of each of these feelings and their corresponding presence in the texture of my much was learned, felt, uncovered and discovered and like the proverbial accordion, time will open out and reveal further insights

however i was struck by something that permeated through the weekends diving...the echo of which whispers its way through the weave of all my beloved practices, whether yoga, meditation, art making, writing or dance...and it's this: 

that everything we experience, all that we feel, is simply a colour and pattern of energy that momentarily wishes to move through us...if we allow it to, it shifts and changes into something else; if we resist it or deny it, or get soo fixated upon it, then it gets stuck, cant move for love nor toffee, its presence overstaying its welcome and creating a possible distortion of the pathways within us...a bit like a traffic jam (is it just me that is fascinated by how traffic jams begin?? is it really the fault of one slow rolling vehicle that a few miles trailing creates a startling out of proportional backlog of barely moving traffic???!! does anyone actually even care???!!!!)...anyways i digress!

so...the point seems to be, whatever we feel, requires us to meet it with a sense of curiousity, acknowledgement and kindness...if we soften into it, breathe into its offerings, treating it like a welcome guest, then we allow it to almost use our body as a stage...a space for it to express itself, perhaps wordlessly, with its own innate choreographer, showing us the greatest performance of soul with us as front seat ticket holders!! in giving what we feel space, and allowing this space to grow from the core of the feeling, out to our fingers and toes, and ultimately beyond our very physicality into the world around us, we become a host, a body almost possessed by the pure spirit of the particular is through the expression of this energy, that nothing can get stuck, or outstay its welcome!

this is what always amazes me post yoga practice..when once more connected and engaged i feel the vitality of my being right at the edges of my self...its when i feel that those edges have expanded even further, that i am not simply this blessed physical corpus, but that my essence expands further and beyond the realms of my edges...holding onto feelings, through shame, guilt, self consciousness or other tricky demons of doubt, denies our very humanness, and in a way stops us from offering ourselves, all of ourselves, to life!

i was struck at the weekend, when having the gracious priviledge of witnessing others dance and express each of these emotions, how we all show these human feelings of the heart in such different ways, and how mesmerizingly beautiful and touching that was to my lovelies...dont hide away how you feel, dont stop showing others your hearts silent murmurs and cave deep you offer yourself, you become art, a vessel of spirit, and in that raw vulnerable place of saying 'this is me', we get to wow in wonder at the beauty of your soul



Wednesday, 5 September 2012

...gotta have faith ffaith ffaith! (tell em george!!)

welcome to the time of the year for letting go dear ones...the first harvesting, the time for re-assessment, and the brave acknowledgment of where, just maybe, we are getting in the way of it all goddamit!!!...a leap into the unknown, dropping the old mind, the old ways, and shaking things loose, all clears us ready to be filled anew for the journey towards the dark of the year :-)

the following quote, by the ever wise, ever inspiring pema chodron, has captured my attention this week and has been resonating and vibrating its wisdom through my bones...

''By not knowing, not hoping to know and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength''

hmmm...not knowing hey?!...interesting as i have found that over the last few months a certain thought has been playing on repeat like a scratched vinyl record in my mind...''how do i do it!!''..or sometimes its cousin chimes in...''i dont know how to do it!!''...the key being the word 'how', and the belief that somehow it's 'i' that needs to, well, 'do it!' (whatever it is..lets say for arguements sake we will call 'it', 'life itself'), armed ready and willing to step deeper into the dance of life i feel like i stall at the first see, as many of you might relate, i am one of those folk that, you might say, has the tiniest issue with being in control...i mean ever so slightly of course, needing everything and everyone to fit into my vision of how it should be!...i seem to hold this cherished idea of how life should be, what happens next, how you must behave, and woe betide if plans dont match mine!!...dont get me wrong, im no tyrant (at least i dont think i am and i am pretty sure that someone might have sat me down and pointed that out if so), but my need to control all aspects of my life means i need to 'know', when, why, what fact the whole damn gamut!! see the more i am in control, the more, i have always believed, i am 'safe' and secure from the uncertainties of life..those ghastly uncertainties that can truly mess up a chica's best made clipboard holding plans!!...gulp!

what i realise recently, and this came to me quite starkly in a recent meditation, is that by needing to know and control pretty much every aspect of my life doesnt leave any space for the magic, mystery and manifestation to appear..none...nada...zilch...gulp again!!...and in fact, its exactly these uncertainties that hold the key to life's mystery, magic and...erm...manifestations!, all those years of holding on tightly and putting everything into a box marked 'this is how it should be', has meant narrowing the tunnel of life's flow, just letting a trickle through, when a whole goddamn ocean of myriad delights has been passing me by!...bummer!!

not knowing hey?...shit thats scary!

you see, my old way had its reasoning folk...if i knew exactly how it was going to be then i could 'protect' myself...i could support myself and ensure that the troublesome experience of an unpredictable life couldnt hurt me, or disappoint me...and yet though this may be true i was in fact living in a separate little bubble...disconnected and certainly not deeply in relationship to life (which ironically i have been seeking and yearning for for many years) see, its this relationship to life, when we get outta the way of 'knowing' how it should be, tho filled with uncertainty, hurt, disappointment and chaos, also holds deep joy, love, connection, and the richness of human vulnerable engagement...its a whole spectrum of colours!

which brings me to the key 'friend' here...that as we drop a little more, putting down the clipboard, the plans, the 'how to's' and 'know hows', emptying our hands, unburdening our shoulders, hearts and mind, and offering ourselves into the spacious chasm of the gateway marked '??'...reach out your hand and ask for all the old false foundations of 'safety' come falling down, hold her hand tight and feel her support...we wont crumble and disappear...we cant lose ourselves if we feel our feet n bellies n heart...and we cant get lost if we ask her to guide and hold is our friend and the hand to rest into as we head out far far beyond the gateway marked 'unknown' xxx

as mister george michael said in one of his 80's moments
'i gotta have faith...!'
Finally I leave you with the words of rumi…a reminder of how to respond to life from a place of faith and not knowing xxx
‘sell your cleverness, and buy bewilderment’
Ho! x