what is it about tears? those watery lachrimae that fall unaided like dew drops caressing ones cheek with its roll
i cry alot
apart from once, a few years back, when feeling like i needed to cry i went out and immediately bought 'beaches'...you know, the bette midler/ barbara hershey one...2 childhood friends as different as chalk and cheese, or redheads and brunettes it seems!! years and many dramas later, the brunette gets poorly, really poorly, and dies...cue tears, many many of the droplets..oh god! bette singing 'wind beneath my wings'...am done in now, nothing to do but fall to my knees in submission to the deity of diamond eyes!!...job done..load lightened..all is well in the world once more
gypsy tears...an ex once informed me, quite seriously...are an extremely coveted and mythical item...we could sell them, bottle them at source :-)...set up our wagon and traverse gods fair lands and sinbads oceans...the answer to maiden's wishes and heroes questing...we split up...not sure who got access to that plan..i had the software so to speak, he the idea!
i got sad today, at a cinematic jaunt with lil niece...i would like to point the blame squarely on tinkerbell's shoulders...yet its probably rather cruel to accuse a 3D disney character of making you cry...its not her fault, with her impossibly big eyes, silvery sparkling wings and joyful play in the land of fairies...not to mention the heart tugging reunion with a sister and the challenges of being a winter fairy and a summer fairy and from 2 differing worlds!! ok ok so i got pretty caught up in the action on screen (is it wrong to fancy animated characters? he was the winter forest's king!!)...but even before the main film, whilst the trailers rolling with upcoming pixar blockbusters to be..ahem..rolled...the tears arrived...
now in all honesty am not completely surprised...
a) this is the second day staying at my moms...there are 9 of us here...as mentioned yesterday i end up feeling like am 7 again...the ole stories in my mind playing on repeat, any illusion of 'grown up sorted ness' dashed to the ground...am i alone in this paradox? adult child comes home for the festivities and somehow leaves the adult bit at the door??!...reminds me of a story i read once about jack kornfield, a wonderful jewish buddhist dude, who after having spent a considerable number of years with his teacher in burma, returns to his roots in brooklyn new york...20 years of practice? reduced to rubble in 20 minutes..welcome to the family ;-)
b) i hardly drink anymore, well the evening port/ sherry fix to fortify my blood is a common occurence...however last nights local pub antics left me feeling pretty deranged today...
c) already, day 3, i have come up against the cocktail of thoughts that could possibly screech my flow to a mere trickle...jeez...the tumult of beliefs finding their way through the crevices of the shadows of my mind...bastards...
after posting so late last night, with all of the above part of my experience, lying in bed they began to taunt me...'that was rubbish dear!', 'run out of ideas already?', 'is that it??', 'is this enough?', 'will they like it??'....on and on pouring their vitriol and dampening my buzz...as i said..bastards...
you see the thing is, in order to engage this dance of the unknown with life itself, requires a certain amount of..oh god...letting go of the control stick...yes i had this wild plan to make a divine piece of art to show the world how inspiring i am..and lo and behold, unless i hole myself up, then life is gonna get in the way..no scrap that...life is the way..its my dealing with it thats the key...you see i realised today that, sadly, i have kinda avoided the 'messiness' of life itself...
so...this post has arisen from that insight...
i feel sad...i feel sad that i have lived in my safe pod for so many years, and that stepping out requires the dawning of this gentle truth...life is messy..it doesnt go to plan...your not the centre of everyones universe (bugger!)...its unpredictable and annoying, others can wind you up the wrong way (particularly family), it makes you feel vulnerable
aha
vulnerable
a new one for me...and yet today i feel vulnerable...i feel tender and its hard to show it..well tinkerbell saw it i think ;-)..can i dare to show this to my family? will they understand? do i need them to...
what ever happens to all the disappointment, the hurt of past failings..failing to be met, to be seen and heard...failing to honour our truth and emotions...failing to be honoured...where does that grief go??
over the last few months i feel like i am melting (a nod to the wicked witch of the east..well it is xmas ;-) )...old hardness, learned and preserved over the years is beginning to thaw...and this thawing is pouring out thro my eyes...softening my heart...and initiating me into the exclusive club marked 'vulnerable'...even writing that word makes me sad!
at this time of letting go..of the year, of the disappointment that they still dont 'get ya', of too much activity (bear cave remember? xx), can i let go and honour the grief that my gentle heart has held for so long?..if i long to dance with the world then i need to be vulnerable, to take that risk...
and it starts with a few tears xxx
by the way...the sufis beleive that one tear equals a thousand prayers...hallelulah to that!!
lets find the appreciation of life...and so...for today i say thank you for: fairies and popcorn, my nieces, roast veg and spaghetti, teaching beautiful students, allowing my tears, medicine of this prayer and practice, my loved ones, feeling loved, breath, my belly and my feet, and for daring to be human xxx
xxx
i got sad today, at a cinematic jaunt with lil niece...i would like to point the blame squarely on tinkerbell's shoulders...yet its probably rather cruel to accuse a 3D disney character of making you cry...its not her fault, with her impossibly big eyes, silvery sparkling wings and joyful play in the land of fairies...not to mention the heart tugging reunion with a sister and the challenges of being a winter fairy and a summer fairy and from 2 differing worlds!! ok ok so i got pretty caught up in the action on screen (is it wrong to fancy animated characters? he was the winter forest's king!!)...but even before the main film, whilst the trailers rolling with upcoming pixar blockbusters to be..ahem..rolled...the tears arrived...
now in all honesty am not completely surprised...
a) this is the second day staying at my moms...there are 9 of us here...as mentioned yesterday i end up feeling like am 7 again...the ole stories in my mind playing on repeat, any illusion of 'grown up sorted ness' dashed to the ground...am i alone in this paradox? adult child comes home for the festivities and somehow leaves the adult bit at the door??!...reminds me of a story i read once about jack kornfield, a wonderful jewish buddhist dude, who after having spent a considerable number of years with his teacher in burma, returns to his roots in brooklyn new york...20 years of practice? reduced to rubble in 20 minutes..welcome to the family ;-)
b) i hardly drink anymore, well the evening port/ sherry fix to fortify my blood is a common occurence...however last nights local pub antics left me feeling pretty deranged today...
c) already, day 3, i have come up against the cocktail of thoughts that could possibly screech my flow to a mere trickle...jeez...the tumult of beliefs finding their way through the crevices of the shadows of my mind...bastards...
after posting so late last night, with all of the above part of my experience, lying in bed they began to taunt me...'that was rubbish dear!', 'run out of ideas already?', 'is that it??', 'is this enough?', 'will they like it??'....on and on pouring their vitriol and dampening my buzz...as i said..bastards...
you see the thing is, in order to engage this dance of the unknown with life itself, requires a certain amount of..oh god...letting go of the control stick...yes i had this wild plan to make a divine piece of art to show the world how inspiring i am..and lo and behold, unless i hole myself up, then life is gonna get in the way..no scrap that...life is the way..its my dealing with it thats the key...you see i realised today that, sadly, i have kinda avoided the 'messiness' of life itself...
so...this post has arisen from that insight...
i feel sad...i feel sad that i have lived in my safe pod for so many years, and that stepping out requires the dawning of this gentle truth...life is messy..it doesnt go to plan...your not the centre of everyones universe (bugger!)...its unpredictable and annoying, others can wind you up the wrong way (particularly family), it makes you feel vulnerable
aha
vulnerable
a new one for me...and yet today i feel vulnerable...i feel tender and its hard to show it..well tinkerbell saw it i think ;-)..can i dare to show this to my family? will they understand? do i need them to...
what ever happens to all the disappointment, the hurt of past failings..failing to be met, to be seen and heard...failing to honour our truth and emotions...failing to be honoured...where does that grief go??
over the last few months i feel like i am melting (a nod to the wicked witch of the east..well it is xmas ;-) )...old hardness, learned and preserved over the years is beginning to thaw...and this thawing is pouring out thro my eyes...softening my heart...and initiating me into the exclusive club marked 'vulnerable'...even writing that word makes me sad!
at this time of letting go..of the year, of the disappointment that they still dont 'get ya', of too much activity (bear cave remember? xx), can i let go and honour the grief that my gentle heart has held for so long?..if i long to dance with the world then i need to be vulnerable, to take that risk...
and it starts with a few tears xxx
by the way...the sufis beleive that one tear equals a thousand prayers...hallelulah to that!!
lets find the appreciation of life...and so...for today i say thank you for: fairies and popcorn, my nieces, roast veg and spaghetti, teaching beautiful students, allowing my tears, medicine of this prayer and practice, my loved ones, feeling loved, breath, my belly and my feet, and for daring to be human xxx
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment