the art of alchemy

 'tears to prayers'...print and cards available from my new etsy shop :-)

'alchemy' is one of my favourite words...like 'serendipity', 'ethereal' (which inspired my hardly ever heard guitar song about ethel real!!), and 'sumptuous', its a word that offers a whole world of whirlwind wonderings...a portal into a new layer of meaning.

traditionally alchemists were the magicians, wizards and witches of olde, their quests for turning one object into another, filled with ritual and scientific speculation, filled their days n nights with endless experimentation...the search for the elusive philosopher's stone the key anchor to their explorations...the philosopher's stone is a legendary substance said to be capable of turning base metals e.g. lead, into gold or silver...it was also sometimes believed to be an elixir of life, useful for rejuvenation and possibly for achieving immortality...for many centuries, it was the most sought-after goal in western alchemy...the philosopher's stone was the central symbol of the mystical terminology of alchemy, symbolizing perfection at its finest, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss. 

for me, the philosopher's stone is a metaphor for the potent potentiality contained within every living cell, of every living thing, be that vegetable, animal or mineral, or, that excruciatingly exquisite human creature that is you or me!

with the power of intention, the furnace of the heart, the key ingredients of authenticity, the feeling body and commitment to the process, each one of us can step into our own finely (or crudely, if that floats ya boat!) laboratory and perform, with a flourish if you prefer, a little bit of magic of our own :-)

each time we step on our mat...every moment we come to sit, open and delightfully human in meditation...with the conscious desire to embody our breath and bones on the dance floor in a dance as meditation practice...and by staying engaged and willing to follow the daimons direction as we put paint to paper, or mould clay by the gentle pulsing of our warm and alive hands...all of these practices, if the 'temperature' of that particular moment in time, and the 'key ingredients' artfully measured are in place, can connect us to the power of the alchemical process.

i had an experience of this only a few hours ago....after teaching my morning class, belly satiated and my fire fuelled with lunch, i came to my cushions to sit...simply sit...i knew i had to, you see, as lately i realise that as soon as i feel slightly 'odd', or 'not quite with it', to use some fine technical terms!, i know that i have somehow disconnected...you know, become unplugged from the source somehow, as if my wiring has gone a little askew...so, without a plan of action, i sat, breathed, and prayed...now, when i use the word 'prayer', i have to say, that its all very low key... in fact, my version of prayer, is simply, talking out loud!...there i said it...we all do it, talk to ourselves...some of us even take this private conversing out onto the streets...though they might be the kind of folk to avoid looking direct into their eyes, or on second glance, they might be talking into one of those fancy phone sets...in any case they look kinda strange!

something amazing happens when i talk out loud (or to give it its fancy name, pray!)...i hear my words, and as i hear them, and receive them, i connect with their resonance...what i mean by that, is that i can feel whether i am telling the truth about my experience, or am talking a load of baloney!!...my words touch me, with their energy and their simplicity..today, i talked about my yearnings at my heart...tears fell and as i softened into them, and offered up all i was feeling, the tenderness of my human self, something began to shift...my heart began to open, to feel expansive, and as a few more big tears emptied from the well within my heart space, and as i cleared out a little more space, i relaxed into a feeling of restfulness, of a sweet joy, and i felt a voice within repeating ''all is well''.

riding on this wave of expansion, i now sit, at a life filled coffee house, and write these words...i feel clearer, more settled, and most importantly, more alive!...something happened this afternoon, something that occurs quite frequently when i come to my practices, whether with enthusiasm and excitement, or having to pull my weary and resistant body and mind into beginning...this something? a little dose of alchemy :-)

so... i would like to offer you a little list of, what i see as, magical, alchemical moments in the life we live...enjoy!

''tears to prayers

runny egg to hardboiled

dancing, yoga, moving the body

pale skin to tanned in the sun

a walk in nature

an orgasm

scissors,glue gun, fabric and glitter

a warm hand on your back

blank canvas to a soul stirring painting

some strings, a wooden instrument and fingers

waltzers

ice to water to steam

the words 'i love you'

the words 'its over'

faces of loved ones

spanish sherry

saying 'yes'

saying 'no'

make up

egg sperm cell baby

zombies

day to night and back again

seeds, sun, water and love

a magic wand

ideas, inspiration, intention, n action 

a new choice

daring to risk

lycra

letting go

gorgeous food into fuel and shit

communicating from the heart

polaroid film

believing

love

xxx

 

the art of presence

 (photo from one of my camera artist dates)

julia cameron would be so proud of me this week :-)....for those of you left with a blank stare of non recognition, ms cameron was responsible for perhaps one of the most seminal and important books on creativity over the last few decades ('the artists way')...alongside, daily journal writing, which i take to also include the click click clicking of keys forming the words of my mind on these pages; she also suggested a weekly 'artist date'...some time set aside for yourself, that didnt involve cleaning, sorting, or any other kind of distraction, but did involve a healthy dollop of creative stimulation to feed one's soul :-)

living in a city, the variety of date like solo stylee venturings is a little like being a child in, erm, willy wonka's chocolate factory! galleries, book stores, thrift shops, and outings with a camera have all seen my creative inbox a swelling...but this week, my medium of choice was film...2 to be precise...ahhh i can almost hear my creative muse purring in delight of being spoilt treated in such a way!

the first was a trip into the workings of the late dance choroegrapher pina bausch. With her unique style, a blend of movements, sounds and prominent stage sets, and with her elaborate cooperation with performers during the composition of a piece (a style now known as Tanztheatre), she became a leading influence since the 1970s in the world of modern dance....the movie showed a section of her creations, performed and recreated by her loyal and dedicated troupe of dancers...beautiful, strong, deep, vital, powerful and emotive pieces...

the second movie, requiring a trip down the road to the local art house cinema, was entitled 'the artist is present', and was a documentary on the great living, perhaps some might say grandmother, of performance art, marina abromavic...having offered herself in service to her art for over 40 years, this was a fascinating portrayal inside the mind of this, once again, strong, powerful and incredible brave and magnetic woman...

though inspiring in bucketloads by themselves, i have been struck by several themes that seem to resonate at the heart, not only of living a creative life as an artist, but also living a life that is creative...there is a difference dear ones...in fact i recall how last summer, attending a workshop on being a 'holy artist' with a grand tribe of like minded dancing souls, i had arrived with the question ''how do i live as an ARTIST??'' rolling around the crevices of my mind...through the power of the dance, energetic work, laughter, friendship, and a huge amount of risk taking later, i flew out the other side of the week, that question dissolved into a new one, that rattled deep within my bones, ''how do i LIVE as an artist??"...as it happened, at that time, and for many months later, the answer felt as solid, real and ridiculously simple as if i had always known it!....fast forwards a year later, and the art of remembrance carries me through....the answer?

PRESENCE

yep...i told you it was easy peasy...a small word, yet one that contains the whole wide world within it...what is presence? well, i certainly know when i am around someone who has it....they seem to 'be' right down to their belly, every word evoked an evocation of truth, of fullness, of gravitas, and of embodiment....observing students, when suddenly becoming present in a part of their body they hadnt, as such, visited before, a light comes on behind their eyes, and though this might seem odd, there is a sense of being filled up from the inside...their bodies become more solid, more sculptural, their very being pulses with a sense of vitality....there is a definite knowing that they are 'home'!

when i am present, i am here...yes yes i know thats obvious, but....most of the time i am thinking of the past, or fretting/ planning/ procrastinating about the future (anyone else with me on that one??)....when present, its as if no time exists..only now...and in that i am aware of every sensation in my body, almost as if the dial of amplification has been volted to full force...i feel my energy moving..i am clear, and can speak my truth, as well as recognise if something i am about to announce does not ring a ring ring right down to my gut...when present i am with the folk i am hanging with, with my breath and arms as i stretch my arms in palm tree pose, with the feelings of loss when saying goodbye to an old friend, or the feelings of joy as i step into what feels the next step of service to spirit...

how can we not live as whole as we can? is that not the practice and ultimately the purpose of yoga?

so, returning back to the two dazzlingly inspiring creative souls i have had the pleasure of getting to know a teeny bit more this week...what they both had in common, besides vision, courage to create, an ambitiously hungry palate for their work, and the neccessity of delving deeper and deeper into the realm of human emotion and relationship, was, the importance and significance of presence....pina acknowledged at one point how having her eyes lowered helped her to 'be' in her body to express an echoingly yearning character through dance; marina created a 3 month long ode to presence in her MOMA retrospective, one that moved me to tears...

if you have reached the end of this piece with me, then thank you, and i will leave you with a musing from the marina film (probably not verbatim as it was dark in the movie theatre!)

''it does not matter what kind of art we create, its your state of mind that matters''

xxx

 

its always been this way

Mnemosyne….goddess of memory…the mother of the 9 muses of greek origin…is present now…with this breath….the feel of the woollen wove rug beneath the barefoot soul I extend deeper into it…she is present in the aching of my calves, to stretch this way, that way, extending my limbs in shapes known and ancient…arising from the state of ‘being’, of paying attention, of arriving to my practice destination ‘?’, the intention to open and receive and return home being the map to guide me…music chosen today soft, undulating, reflecting my pulse on this strange humid heavy day…and so I follow, I mean jesus what else can I do?!...and so I follow, and as I pursue in languid fascination the movements of my body, I soften into the edges, opening up a little more into a shaded cavern in the crevices of a city slammed body and mind…breath rushes in, light its friend and I expand…god this feels delicious, and after some time purring contentedly into that shape I feel the impulse to shift, to transform and a new path guides me someplace new…

When I come to my practice with the states of ‘innocence’ and ‘inner sense’ my mantra this is what takes shape….some of the shapes my body responds into, following its own memory, are unknown to me, simply the whispered traces of spirit passing through momentarily..and yet some are known, though fascimiles of the yoga asanas, bound to the memory of my muscle, engrained like habits, serving me well this time (hurrah for ‘good’ habits!), seem older than me, older than the yogi(ni)s first flourishing in forest fabled times..these shapes seem to echo those of my ancestors, my ancients, our ancients, linked through our DNA always and forever, renewing and responding with each new life breathed alive into conscious being…

I am reminded as I practice, and it touches me, that I move in the ways of my tribe…my brothers n sisters of the yoga world, those I share space and sometimes a moment of connection with on the dancefloor of my dance practice, my parents, perhaps dancing their first dance of life on their wedding day, or the dance that created me, the dance of my grandparents (apparently my mother’s folks met at a tea dance at manchester’s famous ‘ritz’ nightclub, a venue I have also frequented and stepped my steps on the bouncy dancefloor (yes really)); the dance of my ancestors moving from lands known to new; the dance of my forefathers and mothers in ceremony, in celebration, for the goddamn pure joy of moving their bodies….

we have always moved..its in our nature…did you know that the familiar shouting out of ‘ole’ in the grandly soul filled dance of flamenco stemmed from its origins in Sufi dance..the twirl and ecstasy of the dancer so provoked the appearance within themselves of ‘god’ that folk would shout out ‘allah’ in recognition and honour of that literally awesome moment…

And so, as my body allows, perhaps for the briefest of moments, a chance to ‘be’ without my head in the control room, my body breath and heart sing spirits unique song through me, linking me with all of life itself…this is why I practice, this is what awakens and wakes me up…my grateful heart rests in wonder as these words roll out to greet you…

grab life by the arm....

''grab life by the arm and tear chunks of flesh from its bones with our teeth...''

'100 months' john hicklenton

the sun makes a rare celebrated appearance over the skies of manchester...bringing the bluest of blue sky space...the lighting up of paving stones, arms exposed, wheels glinting, warming skin as one moves to the city beat...maybe the sun knows that its a special energetic day today..the summer solstice...the highest 'yang' point of the year...the longest day...maybe it came out in tribute, basking in its own glow :-)

whilst reading about this shift of the cycles of the earth, i am struck by the fact that today and from this week onwards, we are at the turning point towards 'death'....yikes...did i just write that??!! well..yes...as the sun stands still (the meaning of solstice) it, if you like, now turns around to make its journey inwards, slowly of course (thank god), but inevitably...

the quote that stands at the top of this post i have had stored in my phone for a while now...one of those pieces of word jigsaws that makes a mark, that resonates somewhere well below chin level (if i recall correctly, this '100 months' book is a graphic novel...hmmmm..i love graphic novels!)..i like its almost untamed, wild and animal like tease of how to live life...indeed i have been reflecting lately on whether we really choose to live 100%...do you give 100% of yourself, to your family, your time with friends, in your lovemaking, to the service we call work, to walking the sun shined streets of your home place?..do you allow yourself to receive 100% of what life offers to you, letting it seep into the very fibers and pores of your cells, blood, memory, to become integrated in deepest wisdom, foolish adventuring and knowing experience?...my guess is that, like myself i quite frankly must add, you do not

to practice turning up in all of who we are and how we are into the play called life everyday is the practice of inviting ourselves more fully into being 'alive'...to each moment..to every emotion...every thought...pleasant or otherwise...all of our tools n techniques gleaned from perhaps a multitude of life long learned discilplines gear us towards this simple premise...be awake..be alive..listen..feel....and soften to fold our kindness and curiousity around all that arises....its our responsibility, 100% to choose either to react (usually through fear), or respond (through love and faith), to the patterns and often chaos that is part of being in the ocean of life


it does feel as though the times we live in are creating a mass of possible change and with that, a sense of chaos...can we dance with the chaos? surrender into its frenzied whirl just enough to ride the waves? in doing so we have a real chance of (cheesy cliche alert!!), swimming in the sea of life ;-)


i am exploring all of this in the ongoing quest towards a life lived more fully...sure, i recognise how often i can disappear 'under water' for a while, bobbing in the mass, waiting to pop up somewhere new, blindly hoping for perhaps jonahs whale to pass by, carry me, and force me out on a pale of exhaled breath and a gallon of water, onto shores new!....hmmmm, perhaps not taking responsibility here me thinks!...not to mention i will not have been paying attention to the journey (shit another new age cliche) or the view!!...


the solstice reminds me, and oh god, how that reminder is always a welcomed balm, to stand still...to stop...to drop into being....to feel it all in its imperfectly perfect play of pleasure pain and the passing moments of time...i am learning, slowly, often with a bucketload of resistance, to embrace it all, knowing as i give in and do so, i can, effortlessly surf the seemingly impossible wave (well, i might as well make it a hat trick!)...

water teaches us flow, yet fire is the element associated with this summer solstice, and the task of 'going through the fire', standing in its heat, offering all that we wish to burn up, is the key here...open your heart...soften your belly...and invite into the party all the absent parts we have chosen to leave tucked away, locked up and hidden, that which hurts or pinches the tissues of our memories, all the points and parts that gnaw away at the wonder of our wondrousness, poisoning ourselves against, well, our self...as we drop and pour this obscure and oppressing tangle, the fire in its alchemy blows all to ashes, relieving us, lightening us, allowing the gradual sigh of release into the quiet whispers of the next moment....here we are...here we are...

so as we approach the knowing of certain death, one day, some day, we may be sure, with a heart centred certainty, that we gave as much as we could, to the 100% of our uniquely grit n gift filled life!

as stephen levine, meditation and buddhist teacher advises, 'complete your birth before you die' 

solstice blessings lovely beings

xxx

 

ways to open the heart number 718!!!!

you know those phrases, those 'cliches' which however much they make you grit ya teeth with a lil rise of irritation, somehow, somewhere within hold the pulse of truth?? well, i have been rolling the following round n round in my mind for the last few weeks now....'if at first you dont succeed, try and try and try again'...along with these words, there are countless phrases that i have read over the years pertaining to the fact that, well, if we make a mistake, or fail, or 'it' goes wrong, then simply acknowledge this, the feeling of disappointment, the hurt, the 'aaawww!!", and when ready, start over once more!

allowing ourselves to fuck up n get it wrong is the path of the, as my teacher would call it, 'recovering perfectionist', the letting go of the reins of control, and loosening up the 'how to's' somehow....its the path of humanness, and the path of taking risks over n over again to walk amongst the living..important for us human beings, less so for the zombie-kind!! ;-)

i have been allowing myself to tip toe tenderly deeper into the pool of the unknown recently, and in doing so, have been facing the slightly 'ouch' creature called disappointment....when i sit with her, i notice her hues and harmonies..slightly off key, she speaks of the torn within me, the ache of the hollow...she sits in the centre of my chest and tears a lil hole in the wholeness of my heart...i want to avoid her, and for many years i did just that very thing...but, in my quest to open more to life, and the softening to let life in to touch me, i am meeting her more fully, possibly for the first time...

i long to know her, what makes her tick, what makes her ticked off, and what can tickle her to shift n shake her tail feather into something richer...i know by avoiding 'meeting' her, i avoid, and turn away from an essential part of the very nature of human life...to risk is to take the chance that we may get disappointed. full stop. and quite frankly, unless we walk around in a cloudy shroud of delusion, the chances are we will meet her somewhere, sometime...in the dance of relationship, in the corridors of our ambitions and desires, in the throes of family n friendships, and in the day to day unravelling of the ordinary.

i am reminded of how thomas edison, inventor of the light bulb, only had the patent for that particular invention approved after something like 70 or 80 odd other ideas had been rejected!! or that abraham lincoln suffered many a defeat both politically and professionally before becoming president. n if i recall correctly, a certain young jack nicholson was told he couldnt act so give it up!!! i am sure there are countless tales in a similar vein..and yet one thing stands out...they all carried on despite, or maybe even because of those defeats and dis-beliefs, and proved that by continuing to take the risk, to have faith in their dream, anything was possible!

so..taking solace from these stories of fellow human kind, i choose to honour the meeting of disappointment, to welcome her and her gifts, and as i keep softening into all that life offers, remember the words of this beautiful Rumi poem:

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

this lil olde game called life!

Choices choices choices…

 
Way way back, when times were simpler, when folk were noticeably missing the extra electronic appendage that seems to be the norm these days, and the t’internet was just some part of the sci-fi geeks fantasy, we used to play board games…some of these have survived the modern day onslaught of computer gaming, such as 'monopoly', 'operation', and my all time favourite (probably because I was the school champ many eons ago!!), 'scrabble'!

  

Time spent at granny's house guaranteed the most satisfying tournament of 'draughts', which as I recall, turned into the more complex, yet still grasping hold of the old black n red pieces, game of 'backgammon'! Hmmm!!...those were the days!

and yet, it is the more basic and no less appealing game of 'snakes and ladders' that has been providing me with inspiration lately!...so so simple..just roll ya dice, take the steps, and watch your fate play out, in an attempt to reach the end game!...of course, the number of the dice was paramount to one's unravelling destiny here, but i got to thinking, this is all rather like the more biggly, and a helluva lot more 3 dimensional, game we call life :-)

it's most likely that one isnt prone to making life decisions based on 2 pocket sized innocent cuboids (like that guy in 'the dice man'..well look what happened to him!!)...but what happens when we face a decision, from the seemingly insignificant 'what colour to dye my hair this week?!', to the more grandiose 'shall i leave this relationship?/ take this job?/ sell up and travel to mongolia??'

we have a choice to make

endless discussions with beloved and trusty mates may ensue over a hefty number of nerve jangling cups of mochas (yum..my fave!)..advice sagely offered...we gather up our evidence weighing in the pros and cons...and yet we still may put off that decision for another dawning day...and yet, interestingly, the longer we prolonge our choice, the longer we hold our energy in a captive state of hyperventilation...the constant indecisions keep our energy held like the proverbial baited breath...and quite frankly, forget the damningly delicious coffee, this is enough to keep our nerves a jangling in anxiety for as long as we dance on the line!!

making a choice is empowering...actually, fuck that!...making a choice is probably THE most empowering step we can ever make...as soon as we say 'yes' or 'no', we open the floodgates for our energy to rush in, along with the universe's support, and power up the thread we have chosen to fuel....making choices, especially the one's we really have no idea as to the ultimate outcome, is a thrill, a breath of fresh air, an inspiration!

and yet, how do we make that choice?..quite simply, there are really only 2 variables..we choose either through fear or through love..that's it folks...no-thing more!...when we give in to the sneaky slimey and gut clenching voice of fear, we fall down the old 'snake', taking us away from expansion, from connection, from challenge and from living more fully....when we take a deep breath, and in cahoots with our belly, bones and heart, we follow that which seems to enliven and that we 'know' is the appropriate choice, tho it may scare the bejesus outta us, then we climb up the 'ladder', lifting ouselves higher and higher upon our chosen path :-)

oh..and one more thing...when we have made the choice, whatever that may be, we can change our minds!..i know...its great isnt it!?...nothing needs to be set in stone...what i have been noticing recently is just this..a perpetual procrastinator, this making a conscious decision malarky is rather new to me...and there have been several occasions, whilst practicing the art of choosing, that its only after i have said 'yes' or 'no' that i realise that i needed to change my choice..its like trying on that outfit to really know if it suits you!

so..choose wisely dear ones...listen to those you love..but even more so. and even more urgently, listen to yourself...and let yourself get it wrong, and then, very kindly, choose again...someone very wise once said 'power is choice', and i rather agree :-)

love and solar blessings xxx

delving into the dark side

touching the dark

its been a while folks...over a month of silence and all quiet on the writing front..ironically i have been scribbling like a speeding scribe in the private world of my journal...using the words there to light a torch to light the way through, up and out of the labyrinth that i had landed in...

a few weeks ago, armed with a bearded friend, i eagerly awaited the lights down, anticipatory hush of the gathered audience to watch the latest offering of 'supposed' horror at the local flicks...a couple of hours later, and slightly deflated, we left, the itch still unsatiated to be chilled to the core...as the quest continues to fill that void, i am interested in why the fascination with this spooky genre?

my love for these films shows no sign of dwindling, and, to be honest, the freakier and more disturbing the better!...i am not alone in my appetite, and, looking at the possible pull towards digesting the unsavoury, there are several reasons for their allure that resonate within and through me!

horror films deal with the dark side of life, human nature and the occult/ absurd/ mythology/ and nightmares...this part of life exists folk, thats a fact...in order for there to be light, there has to be dark...in order for the great artists of the past, for instance caravaggio, to explore and demonstrate his breathtakingly powerful use of chiaroscuro, these two opposites were the keys...for there to be god, according to westernised church religion, there has to be the devil, or satan...

in times past, the telling of tales, a la, brothers grimm, and fascinating universal folklore fables offered a slight twist to the safety of the disney-fied 'all lived happily ever after' fluffy fairy tales of modern day...stories of old were not afraid to put their hands in the pot of the macabre, the creepy, and the evil that lurked within the conscious and unconscious of the world

and their effect? to de-mystify this hidden side...to bring us face to face with our fears...fear being a universal human condition...the world we wonder within today often can feel too 'safe', sanitised and anaesthetised...in short, our consumer, lawed society, though seeking to protect and support our lives, often voids and avoids the necessity to face our shadows and all that goes bump in the night!

and so, how does this relate to the alchemist gone awol recently? well...post a recent retreat, delving to nudge and shake up the ole ego's masks, i experienced a powerful shattering of a well worn patterning...awareness is the key folks, and for that i am grateful...however, returning back to my life and i have been visited by an old old familiar...its name?..inertia

for many years, inertia held me in her grip...lost in her cave, resulted in low lying depression for me, and the climb out has been an on-going journey...she is my 'demon' in a way...drawing me down into a drowsy drugged bed of endless doped up dreamworld...fuzzy and heavy...death herself...suffocating me into numbness with the weighty embrace of her skeletal arms...she promised me safety...she soothed the need to be alive and engaged...and she provided me with stuckness needed to avoid taking responsibility for my life...its only really recently that the battle to free myself, and ultimately my energy and my whole goddamn life!, has begun!! for me, this battle is a daily one...the fight is anybodys..some rounds i have won, lifting myself into the delight and connection with my Self and my potential...and some days, that devilish demon has taken the title, sitting on me so i can barely move!

but you know what? something is different...for some reason (maybe i am gently waking up?), i dont actually believe her anymore...i am not losing myself and drowning in her depths...i can see...and so, instead of feeling like this cloud is a constant companion, her power is not as forceful...cracking up, breaking down, fragmenting and letting go...something is shifting inside and though uncomfortable,and sometimes painful, im riding the waves of this quest...

essentially, she is a doorway, albeit a spider webbed, gothic, creeking one, into facing what she guards...my fear

so with all my weapons employed, and armoured in my kick-ass guise, i get ready to face this foe...ready to fight for my life..and ready to face and touch, the dark side... 

may the best (wo)man win!! ;-)