a little night conversation...

its always the hours of the limbo time that awaken some portal of clarity within my soul...typing to you in the darkness, my fingers trusting their way to find the right notes on the keyboard..so far they are doing a fine and worthy job

had to get up outta bed...felt drawn to write...followed this impulse and so i find myself here..the carpet feels warm and soft beneath my folded knees..the sounds of manchester permeate the silence...i reflect

what happened that drew me here? when i should be by the narrowmindedness of the 'shoulds' be asleep in preparation for the weekend retreat i am running this weekend...well...as i twisted and restlessly shifted from one pose to another sleep eluding me like a sly mischief maker i began to talk aloud...to myself so i could hear...to the universe as a much missed conversation that has been avoided over the last few days

events over the last few weeks have seen me thrown back down an alley way i thought had been navigated out of my system..caught in this labyrinthe...struggling to find the exit i got stuck...and so without reason or rhyme i began to speak...

i spoke of what i was feeling..i spoke of where i am...of what has held me in a puzzle for days...i named all of it and let my mind pursue the threads of conversation without end, without goal, without the confines of reason...as i told my souls tales, insights started to float up, catching them and rolling with them it all began to make sense...the shifts of my dreams and heart desires that i have spoken of before a few posts ago, that have started to transform, became stronger, clearer and with this a sense of excitement and also peace settled in my heart...i touched myself with my attention, and was touched in return...all is coming more into focus...all is as it is meant to be...all is a gift that just needed time to show its treasures...i am blessed

i realised how much i have changed this year...i felt a newness of purpose...i deeply felt the aches of my hearts true desires, the same as but essentially different to the ones i have clung to for what seems like eternity...i saw what i have to do and what i need to let go of...and most of all, blessedly so, i realised how much i am loved

satiated, at peace, in gratitude and in love...i think its time to try that thing called sleep again..hope your dreams are as sweet as your heart this eve... xxx

shedding

one of the most beautiful aspects of autumns arrival is the breathtaking experience of walking through the park...as the leaves turn their shades of golden reds and yellows, it is as if they are pulling the sun into their tiny form before dropping back into the earth to settle, disintegrate, disappear and return back into that place from which they were borne...

this is the time of shedding...

but not mindlessly..oh no...staying present to the process of shedding is where we often get lost, confused, or simply close our eyes and turn away from...

why?...very simply, shedding is a damn painful process!...it hurts man!...as the leaves bravely take their turn in the one way sky dive which is their fate, i wonder whether the branch from which they previously sat gently aches at its loss, the edges still sore and slightly bruised for a while...just like when a scab falls off, the new skin underneath, tho ready to do its job and take its place on the finery of our knee, is raw, new, and ever so slightly tender...

this week i have been feeling the tenderness of shedding, tho in the more human bean form of loss...3 pieces of achingly sad news has found its way to my heart, dear ones suffering and coming to terms with some aspect of themselves being cut off and lost...i feel that loss, not because it is mine personally, but because we all know this feeling..it lies deep in our hearts, our bones, our memories, from the initial birth into a 'separate' world, through losing toys, parents attention when a new sibling has arrived, friendships in the petty battlefield of the playground, virginity and the loss of our innocence, or voice, our power, grandparents, parents, friends, dreams, lovers...life is full of loss..it is part of the continuos process of shedding...for without it, nothing new can arrive...

essentially what is shed in some way is the alchemy potent for transformation...no matter how much we battle against this, and i learned recently that the humble caterpillar, though most likely aware that his turn to become the glorious butterfly like his friends before him is inevitable, still resists with all his might this transformation...

whatever happens to us in life, and no amount of practice can offer protecton from matters of the heart, is part of the cycle...our practices can give us the opportunity to stay with it all..to feel the heart ripping openness of loss, the grief which feels like an endless pit, and the sense of strength we all hold to breathe through the pain until, as it will, somehow, someday, pass, leaving us transformed, different, and changed into something new...

maybe thats why those leaves turn red n orange...transformation burns, and the fire is the force which fuels this shift

drop n give me 20 (winks that is!!)

'rest those weary bones'
(painted at the tues art salon...made me realise i need to give my bones a sacred resting place...a way to show myself that i love and honour all of me!)

the sky's blackness covers me like a thick blanket...do you know how i feel this fri eve?...am so so tired that i have this whirring sensation all the way through my body...i kinda feel like i have been riding a train all through the night on some exotic land...how i love those journeys, watching the new world changing its shape, the smells, sights, sounds and experiences washing through my senses...and then arriving, at a strange platform, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, disorientated, shaken, bones still rattling...exhaustion pulling at the corners of my mind to simply stop, rest and go to ground

ah...the ground..the earth...the largest surface of horizontal bedding down one can imagine!..still..silent...strong...breathing its motherly comfort into our ears

this week dear ones autumn has jumped outta its box and 'booed' us rudely into the dawning of a new season!...blimey!...erm...god/dess?..arent we due perhaps a tad more summery warmth before the lights go out and the thermals go on??..apparently not to be folks..damn!...and so this week, well certainly here in the north of england, the temperature began to hiss a cool vibe, and the winds began their dance...

the winds...oh my...(or should that be 'lions n tigers n winds..oh my!!'?)...according to ayurveda, this shift into the season of autumn brings with it an increase in the dosha of vata...vata is the quality of dryness, of wind, air, lightness...it gives us movement and the ability of quick thinking and superman power like nimbleness!...and yet too much vata can imbalance us...cause us to become too heady, minds hyper, routines knocked on their heads, and a sense of, quite literally sometimes, being blown around without our control!

talking to friends and students this week this appears to have affected us in some way..for me its affected my sleep, and this openly proud night owl has surpassed her self by finding the hour of sleep pushing dawn many an eve...thats not good folks...not even for me!

so what to do?...well..there are some practical tips i can offer you...stay warm, especially at the back of your neck; begin to eat more warming, earthy foods, such as root veg, and hearty soups; treat yourself to an oil massage after you bathe (good organic sesame oil is good for this); and try and implement a routine to your days...essentially, as we pull away from the firey summery months it is time to honour the pull towards the earth...so rest more, stop more...and when you can, get yourself to the ground!

thats right folks...make like a cat and find somewhere to pull that blanket over you, curl up and take the advice of those spanish cousins...siestas rock!

so its an early one for me tonight...im off for some zzzzz's!..night night xx

intimacy

its september...2:28am...a hot bubbling bath awaits with expectant innocence of my arrival...and yet...this blog lures me to its portal where my tapping fingers creates who knows what...ahhh..am in a deeper space...that late night..dark sky...no time...no cares...kinda limbo place i dearly cherish...at this hour it feels like time stands still for me...bringing a chance to catch up with my self...my self that i have been busily ignoring for a few days...busily distracted by work n play...

do you know what? something strange is happening...strange because lil cracks seem to be appearing in the well worn story of my mind...the story? the fabled tale with the same twisted ending each time i recall it?..yeah that one...its the story of 'what i want'....hmmm...what i want hey?...i thought i knew what i wanted...and yet... right now..i dont know anymore..something has shifted..something is shifting..and i aint got a clue whats going down!

geez...a sombre posting sweet heart...maybe..maybe not...when i first decided to blog it was for 2 reasons...the first is that i needed a website for the 'alchemy of the arts' events...and secondly, more personally, it was to take my writing, n crazy musing, outta the lonely solace of my journals, and out into the grand big wide open world!...why?...well..and this is part of whats a changin for me...let me tell you a story...

once upon a time (oh come on, everyone likes a story that starts with those words!)...once upon a time a slightly sparkly n rather shy girl took her steps of independence from the world of family n out into the cemented streets of the world..well ok..manchester..

generally quite alarmed by the presence of most folk who crossed her path, n perplexed by the human game most of the time, she found a way to make it look like she was a part of the show...yes she became a yoga teacher, and yes she wandered the world and treaded her red earthed coated feet onto shores exotic and new, and she had a variety of dalliances with an assortment of strange n beautiful creatures, and she had friends and a place to live and looked like every other human bean that walked the streets (tho she was always fabulously dressed..that has to be said!)...

she was holding a secret close to her heart...a secret that meant she didnt have to touch the world fully...a secret that meant, in turn, that the world couldnt touch her fully either...what was this secret?...well, its very simple...she had a veil..a walled veil over her heart...a veil so fine that it was almost imperceptible to the human eye..and yet so tough, like the hardest skin of a leather coated animal primed to never ever be dented by the sharpest of blows!

fine..she thought...fine

and yet it wasnt....fine that is...far from it...she felt separate, isolated and the once revered title of outsider that she had made her own wildly n proudly, felt a poor substitute for the deepest desire she held inside...the desire my darlings..was for intimacy..

intimacy..

into me you see...is one way a friend once broke this word down for me...into me you see..gee..really??..yikes!...

so starting this blog was this shy girls step of lifting the veil..of peeking her face out from beneath...of saying...'this is me'...i have often struggled with the question of how much do i share?...how much should i share??...now i feel like fuck it!..i will share whatever i want to...take the risk...offer myself as i am...take it or leave it...here i am...well...tentatively..slowly...one step of my pointed studded boots at a time!

and yet...this last few years has seen my practices deepen...my intimacy with my own body, its stories, its hurt, its joys...the power of movement...the deep shamanic wisdom of the creative arts...its shifting me...rearranging me...and the little veil is beginning to crack...little cracks...yet, as leonard cohen would say, 'the cracks are where the light gets in'...

as i engage more intimately with my sweet n tender self...i feel the threads between myself n the world tighten..as the journey towards deepening intimacy with the world continues, my 'what do i want' no longer makes sense...

'what do i want?'...right now..in this new n fragile place..i do not know... maybe i dont need to know...maybe as this new awareness grows all will become clear...

signing out...wishing you sweet dreams

thank you for 'seeing into me' x