luxuriating in solitude

'tenderness'...acrylic on canvas

luxuriating in solitude....mmmmm....say that out loud!...luxuriating in solitude....delicious...kinda purrs off ya tongue, rolling around one's palette like a fine cognac!!

feeling decadent...a desire to wear feathers and little else..to cavort on silken sheets with a hazy soundtrack of blue smoked french tones on the stereo...time stopped and lights low...

wait a moment..who am i kidding?!...(oops i can hear the needle scratched abruptly as its lifted away from the vinyl)...lets rewind here...or, to be fair in case you have just switched to the alchemy channel, 'what are you talking about sweetie??'

well, in lieu of the real thing, i am talking bout the wonder of cave like dwelling that has swept over me in particularly these last few days...the new moon heightening the inner calling, to take refuge, nay, sanctuary in a cave of one's choosing, as the quest to step openly towards mid winter beckons his boney little fingers!...my cave? why, am glad you asked...my cave dear ones seems to have become the sacred abode of my bed!

ah..visions of folk hanging out, singing songs, tuning in and dropping out may come to mind..but no, this is no lennon love in..there's only one golden ticket, and apart from teddy (special guest, old friend, been through a lot together etc. etc.!) admittance right now is strictly a solo affair!

and yes, tho feathers n satin should feature on any savvy ladies wish list, the reality is, favoured pyjamas, 15 year old indian blessed blankets, and fantastical dvd box sets do just mighty fine! oh yeah...lets add some knitting, weaving a little boat (dont ask), and journalling and this lil cave is calling my name :-)

for the first time in so many years i embrace the coming season of winter...i open my fleece coated arms and hold him against my belly like a hot water bottle...this year i have my self as companion...to hang out together, to bide the time together, to chuckle at our jokes together, and to dream together!

as i continue to gather all that i need into the potent place of hermity hibernation (chocolate marzipan, vampire books, fabrics, good tunes, a wide brimmed hat...) i take my foot gently off the pedal, step outta the wheel and take a big breath out..you know what?...if i stop all my rushing and all of my doing, i think, that just maybe, it will be all right..that i will be all right...that i wont miss out, or be forgotten, or left behind...as i let go for now of 'having to get there!' (even tho i have no clue as to what 'there' is!!) i rest simply in the now..resting in this moment..with my self

hmmm..think i'll raise a glass of port to that!

now, if you'll excuse me...my bedcave beckons

xxx

this little light of mine....

'ancestor love'...mixed media and acrylic
(available in my etsy shop as a print x)

'a dance with life and death'...acrylic

'this little light of mine...im gonna let it shine'

oh yeah! as the muppets would shout 'it's time to light the lights...'...this week brings the clocks turning back on themselves (can time really do that??) and the celtic festival of samhain signalling the end of one year and the beginning of a new one...senor darkness lifts his cap and nods a sweet 'well hello there' to the northern hemisphere...

darkness...as the fun n frolics of halloween brings out our inner ghoul and penchant for fake blood and thrills n chills..as those mexicanos honour in style with dia de los muertos, honouring and remembering their deceased love ones...this shift into the new energy of the year brings us close to the 'otherworld', or 'between the worlds', as the ancient celts would say...

life takes on a dreamier quality as our grip on reality as we know it starts to dance a different step (i mean, really, can we just turn back time? oh no, another reference to cher...shit!!)...things are not as they seem, as if we have just taken the most magic of potions and the hallucinations come to meet n mix us up begin to arise...the world tips just a little, the veils between real n surreal tease us, and our perspective begins to shift n slide...

yeah..bring it on i say..sometimes turning the page upside down is just what we need to get that 'aha' moment...tho this can be achieved without the use of 80's tunes i have to add ;-)...a time to visit the underworld, taking a leaf from persephones book and heading down town for the winter...

so..what does this mean...firstly it really is about embracing the darkness..seperated by western religions into the heaven n hell roll ya dice experience of death, delving into the darkness has been shooed away heavily in our culture...and yet, so many of our ancient philosophies and cultures regard these 'light' and 'dark' aspects of ourselves as imperative for our souls wholeness, and essentially, a part of the inherent continuous cyclical nature of life itself...life and death..birth and rebirth...

this time of the year calls upon us to go into that darkness within us..to search out what weighs us down like the alchemists lead...as we let our fears, resistances and previously locked away in guilt or shame aspects of ourselves bubble up to the surface to be met in the silent attention of our self, they have the potential to be let go, emptied and that which was lead to turn into gold!

how do we do that? well lovelies, the number of practices available for any of us are numerous and simple...and yet, we need to become still, silent, resting just with ourselves, letting patience hold and support that which is hiding in the shadows...and we need to welcome in the guidance of our light...the light we honour as we come to our mats to 'salute the (inner) sun'...the light that is celebrated in the festival of diwali happening now...the light of our hearts love and belief...and the light of awareness that can guide us little step by little step...

and we can call in our guides, ancestors, daemons, and spirits to help us...let ourselves feel their breath whispering sweet words of encouragement into our ears..feeling their holding as we rest back into trust and the moment of simply being..

the more we sow our journeys intention into the dark places we have dared to explore, and the more we shine our light onto them, the lighter we become, creating the space for our dreams to nest through the winter...

so this time of year? turn off the external lights, snuggle deeply under the covers, close your eyes, and get some zzzz's...thats when the wonder of dreams have time to roam and play...happy dreaming x

word up!

words words words...its impossible to set out n about on one's daytime meanderings without being subjected to a sprinkling, even sometimes, a torrent of words!...catching the last whispers of someone elses conversation; songs sung floating like smoke's curl around our heads; the obligatory 'crazy' dude offering out his thoughts; and the general murmur that vibrates all around us like a sea of chatter...quite frankly, its unavoidable!

like an impromptu art performance, words are sounds that provide a musical background...surely i cant be the only one who often thinks that to actually have a musical accompaniment to ones day would be super fantastic indeed? you know, the blues when you be feeling a lil tender hearted; rock for those 'dont even think about slowing down in front of me on the high street you *****!!' moments; and a lil breathless french chanteuse for when you got that purring 'i am feeling gooood' saunter going on!...until then, thank god for ipods :-)

i have been thinking about 'words' this week and how profoundly powerful they are...poems that touch us in beauty and rememberance...the thrill of being 'met' by another's 'yes'....the anticipation when presented by 'we need to talk...'...the heart beat skipped upon hearing 'i love you'...and so on and so on...

words make up the fabric of our connections...sure true intimacy is the ability to simply be with another and the world without the need for words to place their marks between us...in fact, the space between words holds such depth and richness...and yet, words are like the threads that we weave around us, between us, and through us, tugging at our hearts, binding at our wrists, and drawing us silently nearer and towards in deepest curiousity

and what about those words that tumble and spin in the cavity of our skull? our thoughts...our spoken words often arise from the filter of our minds...its the sorting room, where some are deemed unsuitable, some finely tuned to serve their best purpose!...and what about those words we whisper silently to ourselves? our own ongoing internal conversing, back and forth in jest or jibe...how about those words?

words and thoughts are vibrations of energy...indeed the upanishads talk reverently about the word 'om'...made of the three sounds 'aaah', 'uuuu', and 'mmm'...chanting om carries the sound from the back of the throat all the way to the lips...om is known as the sound that holds all sounds within it, holds all of creation, vibrating all of our self and every cell in its tone...

sound creates...what we think creates..what we say creates...in every moment we are creating our world...being mindful of what we hold in our power can empower us in each moment of our lives, in every connection with another we engage in...the most powerful words for me right now arose after my movement practice a few days ago...'here i am'...'here i am'...as i repeated these words they flowed into 'i am here'..'here i am here i am here i am...'...i felt strong, feet shooting roots embodying me and solidifying me into my place on the earth...'here i am...i am here'...thats all..thats enough...

may your words echo the beauty of your soul...may your words offer the tender flutterings of your heart...may your words direct the fire of your belly.. and may your words sparkle the twinkling joy behind your eyes

with love...

a little night conversation...

its always the hours of the limbo time that awaken some portal of clarity within my soul...typing to you in the darkness, my fingers trusting their way to find the right notes on the keyboard..so far they are doing a fine and worthy job

had to get up outta bed...felt drawn to write...followed this impulse and so i find myself here..the carpet feels warm and soft beneath my folded knees..the sounds of manchester permeate the silence...i reflect

what happened that drew me here? when i should be by the narrowmindedness of the 'shoulds' be asleep in preparation for the weekend retreat i am running this weekend...well...as i twisted and restlessly shifted from one pose to another sleep eluding me like a sly mischief maker i began to talk aloud...to myself so i could hear...to the universe as a much missed conversation that has been avoided over the last few days

events over the last few weeks have seen me thrown back down an alley way i thought had been navigated out of my system..caught in this labyrinthe...struggling to find the exit i got stuck...and so without reason or rhyme i began to speak...

i spoke of what i was feeling..i spoke of where i am...of what has held me in a puzzle for days...i named all of it and let my mind pursue the threads of conversation without end, without goal, without the confines of reason...as i told my souls tales, insights started to float up, catching them and rolling with them it all began to make sense...the shifts of my dreams and heart desires that i have spoken of before a few posts ago, that have started to transform, became stronger, clearer and with this a sense of excitement and also peace settled in my heart...i touched myself with my attention, and was touched in return...all is coming more into focus...all is as it is meant to be...all is a gift that just needed time to show its treasures...i am blessed

i realised how much i have changed this year...i felt a newness of purpose...i deeply felt the aches of my hearts true desires, the same as but essentially different to the ones i have clung to for what seems like eternity...i saw what i have to do and what i need to let go of...and most of all, blessedly so, i realised how much i am loved

satiated, at peace, in gratitude and in love...i think its time to try that thing called sleep again..hope your dreams are as sweet as your heart this eve... xxx

shedding

one of the most beautiful aspects of autumns arrival is the breathtaking experience of walking through the park...as the leaves turn their shades of golden reds and yellows, it is as if they are pulling the sun into their tiny form before dropping back into the earth to settle, disintegrate, disappear and return back into that place from which they were borne...

this is the time of shedding...

but not mindlessly..oh no...staying present to the process of shedding is where we often get lost, confused, or simply close our eyes and turn away from...

why?...very simply, shedding is a damn painful process!...it hurts man!...as the leaves bravely take their turn in the one way sky dive which is their fate, i wonder whether the branch from which they previously sat gently aches at its loss, the edges still sore and slightly bruised for a while...just like when a scab falls off, the new skin underneath, tho ready to do its job and take its place on the finery of our knee, is raw, new, and ever so slightly tender...

this week i have been feeling the tenderness of shedding, tho in the more human bean form of loss...3 pieces of achingly sad news has found its way to my heart, dear ones suffering and coming to terms with some aspect of themselves being cut off and lost...i feel that loss, not because it is mine personally, but because we all know this feeling..it lies deep in our hearts, our bones, our memories, from the initial birth into a 'separate' world, through losing toys, parents attention when a new sibling has arrived, friendships in the petty battlefield of the playground, virginity and the loss of our innocence, or voice, our power, grandparents, parents, friends, dreams, lovers...life is full of loss..it is part of the continuos process of shedding...for without it, nothing new can arrive...

essentially what is shed in some way is the alchemy potent for transformation...no matter how much we battle against this, and i learned recently that the humble caterpillar, though most likely aware that his turn to become the glorious butterfly like his friends before him is inevitable, still resists with all his might this transformation...

whatever happens to us in life, and no amount of practice can offer protecton from matters of the heart, is part of the cycle...our practices can give us the opportunity to stay with it all..to feel the heart ripping openness of loss, the grief which feels like an endless pit, and the sense of strength we all hold to breathe through the pain until, as it will, somehow, someday, pass, leaving us transformed, different, and changed into something new...

maybe thats why those leaves turn red n orange...transformation burns, and the fire is the force which fuels this shift

drop n give me 20 (winks that is!!)

'rest those weary bones'
(painted at the tues art salon...made me realise i need to give my bones a sacred resting place...a way to show myself that i love and honour all of me!)

the sky's blackness covers me like a thick blanket...do you know how i feel this fri eve?...am so so tired that i have this whirring sensation all the way through my body...i kinda feel like i have been riding a train all through the night on some exotic land...how i love those journeys, watching the new world changing its shape, the smells, sights, sounds and experiences washing through my senses...and then arriving, at a strange platform, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, disorientated, shaken, bones still rattling...exhaustion pulling at the corners of my mind to simply stop, rest and go to ground

ah...the ground..the earth...the largest surface of horizontal bedding down one can imagine!..still..silent...strong...breathing its motherly comfort into our ears

this week dear ones autumn has jumped outta its box and 'booed' us rudely into the dawning of a new season!...blimey!...erm...god/dess?..arent we due perhaps a tad more summery warmth before the lights go out and the thermals go on??..apparently not to be folks..damn!...and so this week, well certainly here in the north of england, the temperature began to hiss a cool vibe, and the winds began their dance...

the winds...oh my...(or should that be 'lions n tigers n winds..oh my!!'?)...according to ayurveda, this shift into the season of autumn brings with it an increase in the dosha of vata...vata is the quality of dryness, of wind, air, lightness...it gives us movement and the ability of quick thinking and superman power like nimbleness!...and yet too much vata can imbalance us...cause us to become too heady, minds hyper, routines knocked on their heads, and a sense of, quite literally sometimes, being blown around without our control!

talking to friends and students this week this appears to have affected us in some way..for me its affected my sleep, and this openly proud night owl has surpassed her self by finding the hour of sleep pushing dawn many an eve...thats not good folks...not even for me!

so what to do?...well..there are some practical tips i can offer you...stay warm, especially at the back of your neck; begin to eat more warming, earthy foods, such as root veg, and hearty soups; treat yourself to an oil massage after you bathe (good organic sesame oil is good for this); and try and implement a routine to your days...essentially, as we pull away from the firey summery months it is time to honour the pull towards the earth...so rest more, stop more...and when you can, get yourself to the ground!

thats right folks...make like a cat and find somewhere to pull that blanket over you, curl up and take the advice of those spanish cousins...siestas rock!

so its an early one for me tonight...im off for some zzzzz's!..night night xx

intimacy

its september...2:28am...a hot bubbling bath awaits with expectant innocence of my arrival...and yet...this blog lures me to its portal where my tapping fingers creates who knows what...ahhh..am in a deeper space...that late night..dark sky...no time...no cares...kinda limbo place i dearly cherish...at this hour it feels like time stands still for me...bringing a chance to catch up with my self...my self that i have been busily ignoring for a few days...busily distracted by work n play...

do you know what? something strange is happening...strange because lil cracks seem to be appearing in the well worn story of my mind...the story? the fabled tale with the same twisted ending each time i recall it?..yeah that one...its the story of 'what i want'....hmmm...what i want hey?...i thought i knew what i wanted...and yet... right now..i dont know anymore..something has shifted..something is shifting..and i aint got a clue whats going down!

geez...a sombre posting sweet heart...maybe..maybe not...when i first decided to blog it was for 2 reasons...the first is that i needed a website for the 'alchemy of the arts' events...and secondly, more personally, it was to take my writing, n crazy musing, outta the lonely solace of my journals, and out into the grand big wide open world!...why?...well..and this is part of whats a changin for me...let me tell you a story...

once upon a time (oh come on, everyone likes a story that starts with those words!)...once upon a time a slightly sparkly n rather shy girl took her steps of independence from the world of family n out into the cemented streets of the world..well ok..manchester..

generally quite alarmed by the presence of most folk who crossed her path, n perplexed by the human game most of the time, she found a way to make it look like she was a part of the show...yes she became a yoga teacher, and yes she wandered the world and treaded her red earthed coated feet onto shores exotic and new, and she had a variety of dalliances with an assortment of strange n beautiful creatures, and she had friends and a place to live and looked like every other human bean that walked the streets (tho she was always fabulously dressed..that has to be said!)...

she was holding a secret close to her heart...a secret that meant she didnt have to touch the world fully...a secret that meant, in turn, that the world couldnt touch her fully either...what was this secret?...well, its very simple...she had a veil..a walled veil over her heart...a veil so fine that it was almost imperceptible to the human eye..and yet so tough, like the hardest skin of a leather coated animal primed to never ever be dented by the sharpest of blows!

fine..she thought...fine

and yet it wasnt....fine that is...far from it...she felt separate, isolated and the once revered title of outsider that she had made her own wildly n proudly, felt a poor substitute for the deepest desire she held inside...the desire my darlings..was for intimacy..

intimacy..

into me you see...is one way a friend once broke this word down for me...into me you see..gee..really??..yikes!...

so starting this blog was this shy girls step of lifting the veil..of peeking her face out from beneath...of saying...'this is me'...i have often struggled with the question of how much do i share?...how much should i share??...now i feel like fuck it!..i will share whatever i want to...take the risk...offer myself as i am...take it or leave it...here i am...well...tentatively..slowly...one step of my pointed studded boots at a time!

and yet...this last few years has seen my practices deepen...my intimacy with my own body, its stories, its hurt, its joys...the power of movement...the deep shamanic wisdom of the creative arts...its shifting me...rearranging me...and the little veil is beginning to crack...little cracks...yet, as leonard cohen would say, 'the cracks are where the light gets in'...

as i engage more intimately with my sweet n tender self...i feel the threads between myself n the world tighten..as the journey towards deepening intimacy with the world continues, my 'what do i want' no longer makes sense...

'what do i want?'...right now..in this new n fragile place..i do not know... maybe i dont need to know...maybe as this new awareness grows all will become clear...

signing out...wishing you sweet dreams

thank you for 'seeing into me' x