a drop in the ocean

a drop in the ocean...one small step...you gotta start somewhere...so many phrases apply to that first tiny action that will propel us outta the stratosphere!..right?...erm... well maybe...

effort and surrender...the keys to the dance and rhythm of life...a vital part of how to play the game, to surf the yin and yang of all that arises for us at every moment...yet how do we know when to let go and surrender, and when to buck up and put a little more energy in?!..how much is our responsibility and when does dear old ego get a lil in the way??!

this puzzling dynamic of effort and surrender has been a constant questioning for many years for me...if i put too much effort into the pot, then am i pushing against the flow too hard, using my will to force life to roll my way?...eventually exhausting myself and having to spin a thousand plates in a constant one eye open kinda way!!...i have done this, many times, imposing over to get 'there'...and surrender has, quite frankly, scared the hell outta me...why?...because to be honest, for many years surrender has been associated in my mind with collapse..i have been scared that if i do let go of the reins, that old control keeping the engine roaring, then theres no way to go but down..down to the ground with a not so elegant crash!! (and can you seriously imagine the sound of all that crockery breaking..one shudders at the thought!!)

dramatic? maybe..but truthful too...interestingly though, another word for 'collapse' is to 'yield', and that my lovelies, i feel is part of the secret to surrendering...what does to yield mean?..according to my online thesaurus, ooh get me! ;-), this implies the wondrous ability to 'bow to', 'to give oneself over to', to relax, to relenquish, and, aha!, to 'go with the flow'..bingo!

how do we apply this to life though? what does it all mean??
well firstly, we really do need to be present, to be at home, to be living in our body...we need to have a container to live and experience our life in, to hold and support the rollercoaster of the journey..indeed, it is well known that before undertaking a strong pranayama practice (extending and retaining our life force via the breath) it is recommended that our body be fired like a clay pot, or else we are in trouble! we wont be able to contain the strength and potency of our vitality, our spirit...

so, as i call it, lets start by 'showing up'...thats a given!..what next?...well next we wanna direct our energy, to our dreams, our job, our tasks, our relationships, basically to any part of our life...to take action we need to have an intention and give our attention to that which we face towards..however, its not enough...we cant then just sit down, make a brew or grab a port and give ourselves a pat on the back...no my friends, something else is needed here...and that is..commitment...ah yes...our engagement, responsibility, and essentially our pledge to give effort to that particular step

now heres the alchemy part, that final ingredient that links effort and surrender together....we stay present..to every moment, every breath, to each impulse that pulses and makes our heart sing, and at the same time, we follow and give attention and dedicated effort to our actions...moving back and forth between listening and work, between being and doing....between letting go into the knowing that holds all, and the willingness to create with every part of us alive and awake...thats the way to dance our life...not easy, and not always possible...but a great blueprint my friends!

so that one lil step, that one small drop in the ocean, if done mindfully, with awareness and engagement, will open up a whole new landscape for us to relax into and, in that moment, we can pause, offer gratitude, and wait for that next lil whisper of knowing, before taking that just one more step into life..lets not miss a moment folks xxx

hello bud(dy)!

lil bud photo taken saturday 4th feb

i have a little plant that sits on my bedroom window ledge..she has been there minding her own business since last july..she doesnt ask for much, or complain or need too much fussing over...a pretty independent lil thing!...and she has never ever flowered before!..so imagine my surprise and utter delight when throwing open the curtains to greet a bright yet freezing cool day, i was greeted by the sight of this pink, petaled wonder :-)...and she has companions too, other lil buds are making there way through, up and out to say 'good day!' to the lush rich tapestry of one of manchester's busiest city centre streets

why now dear bloom? what on earth made this little wonder decide 'it's time!', and wake up from its 100 year sleep (a slight nod to olde sleeping beauty there!)...being of mystical mind i like to believe that the dawning of imbolc (the return of the light) a few days earlier reminded her to put on her glad rags and opt out of the dark comfort of inward dwelling! who knew that waiting inside of all this lush greenery a pink petalled flower was about to make her debut!

can you feel it in the air dear ones? a kinda pulse to awaken, to jump outta bed and say a big 'yes!' to the waiting world...with the return of the light its time to shake the sleep outta our bones, to open our eyes and tentatively and tenderly say 'hello' again to life...not too fast i might add, but gently, mindfully and listening to the impulses that point the way forwards...i have begun to write again, to journal and reflect upon my intentions that i wish to give attention to for the year ahead...to question what desires lie trembling with excitement at my heart

but how to direct those first steps? what do we need to have as our companions on this journey? so thinking about the lil bud again i came up with these qualities to guide us through this time:

determination
trust
faith
enthusiasm
focus
belief
innocence
grace
vulnerability
guts (are flowers brave?!)
and a willingness to shine

hmmm...sounds like quite a treasure chest of life skills to me :-)

offer yourself to life my lovelies, take that risk...in your uniqueness you offer something of yourself into the matrix and weave of the universe...something only you can make manifest..it doesnt have to be huge, or life changing, or even noticed, but its you and thats truly a wondrous special and precious gift..so take a step, just the one for now...be brave! xxx

oh, by the way, since i took that photo of lil bud on saturday, she has bloomed into a rather sumptuous divine flower...who knew hey, who knew! xxx

bone tinglingly juicy!

baba yaga calls my name
(mixed media shadow box)

well howdy lovely human (and huwoman) beings...tuesdays new moon has reminded us to continue to be with the hush of winter...if, like me, you have found yourself a seesawing between the 'right then, lets get on with this busy-ness of life, rubbing my hands with glee' and the 'oh my, cant i just stay snuggled up in my cave just a lil bit longer..pleeaase!??' then you are not alone

there's something about january that, post all the new year and seasonal festive delights, feels soberingly 'normal', a kinda resigned sighing of 'back to real life'!..and yet, be gentle with those strides out into the big wide world, as we are still hanging out in the time of winter

ah yes...breathe out a breath of relief...its ok to take time to peer into the bright lights of the big city again...to be in the hustle n bustle of lifes rolling, and then to scamper back into the comfort of the duvet..to begin in dreaming and wondering how to take steps, and then put down the action plan and let the imagination roam for an hour or two hazily and daisily!

the dreamtime of the year is extremely important for all levels of our being..reclaiming the rest our body's need...landing the emotional body after the heightened roller coaster of the end of year partying and family whirl...reflecting on our wishes and intentions for the year ahead...having the space and time to listen, to really listen in to the whispers and calling that lies deep in our bones

ahh! our bones! our skeletal framework that hangs our body in place and gives form for our dance in the world...in mind-body energetics our bones are the oldest part of our physical being, holding our deepest memories, stories of our past, and the impressions carried through the ancestor line...they also remind us of the deepest 'knowing' we hold in our body...its no coincidence that we use the expression 'i feel it in my bones'!

i have become a lil curious (translate as 'obsessive') about bones recently, resulting in a cornucopia of creative ideas to get my teeth and blood into
(ok, maybe i am also feeling inspired about all the elemental parts of the body, those 'earthy' aspects of our physicality!)...how exciting!...and the first port of call? to the goddesses of old...older than crone...bone goddesses carry the thread of winters shifts and magic...reminding us of the continual death and rebirth cycles of life....like kali or hecate..terrifying visions, these creatures are wild...wild because they offer the knowledge of transformation, shedding, surrendering and the initiation from one way of living to another...all the quests that heroes undertake and which we, as a whole, are curiously intrigued by, include a perilous mission often facing 'death' in some manner

and so this week i have been getting to know the old bone goddess of russian and eastern europe folklore, baba yaga..no, this is no reference to that tasty aubergine dish familiar to middle eastern cuisine!...baba yaga is known as a formidable and quite frightful force, flying around in her cauldron shaped like a mortar and pestle...she lives in a hut created from the bones of human beans, that dances on crazy chicken legs!...she takes no prisoners and through her seemingly impossible tasks, reunites us once again to the 'knowing' we all hold within...our ancient bone wisdom...that lights our light and shines our fire so goddamn brightly and fiercely that all that denies our spirits path is burned away to ashes!..hallelulah!!

so my lovelies..listen to your bones..check in with them regularly...feel their yearnings..and honour their direction...our bones carry the juice to light up and fuel our intentions for the year ahead...prepare the way to take your warrior(ess) steps out into the beauty of this crazy wild world!!....and be patient, oh yes, patient, as we continue to honour the wisdom of the dark time of the year!..maybe if we are lucky (or blessed), the glow of our bones will lead us majestically out into the light of the world very soon xxx

little step by little step

happy new year dear ones and welcome to 2012...the year of possibilities, of love, of taking steps into the unknown, and of living each moment with passion, creativity, delight and a sprinkling of 'ooh la la!' (well..these are my wishes for the year ahead :-) !)

so we are at this time again when the year ahead beckons invitingly with its blank pages, the images we draw, paint, scribble and invoke as yet to become clear..a little like those magic markers we used to play with in our childhood years!

and just as we crawl outta bed on the new side of the year, our lists of intentions become once more of pleading importance for our future self..maybe this year we will change this behaviour, maybe this year we will let go effortlessly, maybe this year, just like that, we will step into a brand new 'me'

and yet, as the fog of the festive season begins to lift, and the reality of another monday morning dawns, all is the same, and nothing has magically shifted in the wee hour of the witch (which apparently is between 4 and 5 a.m.!)

bugger!!

but before you sigh in resignation and the wonder of whether next year will bring about the seemingly impossible lets take heart and seek a lil deeper understanding from mister patanjali himself (the 'father' of modern yoga, and the scribe of the yoga sutras)...and lets start at the very beginning of the 8 fold noble path of yoga...

in brief, patanjali likened the different practices of yoga, to a tree, with each branch neither more or less important to another...these 8 'limbs', are: yama (worldly observances), niyama (self observances), asana (postures), pranayama (control of energy, prana, through the breath), pratyahara (drawing inwards away from the outward sensory experiences), dharana (concentration on a chosen object), dhyana (meditation, or total absorption with that object) and samadhi (a state of oneness, or, enlightenment).

most of western yoga, and i say this with equal concern as well as respect, chooses to concentrate on asana, or postures, as the 'main' aspect of yoga practice, and yet patanjali hardly offers much guidance in this area..however, for the purposes of this post, i want to focus curiousity on the first limb, yama.

'yama' is often descibed as a 'restraint of...' certain behaviours..almost a list of should nots...the 5 yamas mentioned in the sutras are: non-harming, non-lying, non-stealing, non-abuse of our sexual energy, and non-grasping....yet why does he not just say 'be kind, be truthful etc...'?...surely thats what he means?

and yet, it is precisely the wording of this list that shows us exactly how we can work with these 'intentions', for that is what they feel to me to represent...intentions..just like what we all make at the beginning of every new year...with all the wishing in our hearts and bones to be kind, to be honest, to be living in a state of graceful flow, we are simply human, and to jump from one way of behaving straight into another does not bode well, and ususally does not last long...so what patanjali suggests, and im so with him on this one, is to take one lil step by lil step at a time...so instead of suddenly becoming the most honest person in all of manchester, for instance, start the practice of non-harming gently....

first, we need to notice each time we go to 'harm' either ourselves, or each other, through our thoughts and words and actions...we need to begin by cultivating the witness aspect of the self, to observe when we 'fall down' into that particular habit pattern..we may still do so for a long time, but we start to notice this more...and then comes a time when we realise we have a choice, either we react in the old way, or we can choose, just in that moment, to respond differently...each time we do so we start to create a new pattern, one more in line with our hearts and higher self...

its not enough just to quickly change behaviour...most of the time it isnt the actual 'behaviuor' we need to address, but the underlying reason for doing it in the first place...perhaps, as we appraoch each choice with awareness, we may find that underneath, we meet our loneliness, or hatred, or sadness...normal human emotions, but ones we chose to cover over long ago with those exact patterns we want to change

i realise i have written a goddamn essay here, and those of you still reading i offer gratitude for your interest in these words...before i sign off though, something else about the word 'yama'...Yama is also in hindu mythology, the god of death....and it is exactly this dying of our ego patterns that happens when we begin to practice the yamas...as we slowly and gently shed the leaves, and maybe one day the root of certain habits, we are transformed and more energy becomes available to us.

so, be gentle with yourself..have compassion for your journey, and remember, lil step by lil step is the way.

blessings, love and joy to you

xxx

live the question

'there are years that ask questions and years that answer'

zora neale hurston

what if we have it the wrong way round?...you know..like upside down, back to front, a mirrored image...maybe our perspective has twisted a lil to the side, and like some surrealist spin, we have been rolling our words to the sound of a distant drummer, over and over and over again...

you see, as the cycles of the earths energy swing
back from yin to yang after a momentary pause, a sigh, an empty moment to simply rest and stand still (the literal meaning of 'solstice' is 'sun-stand-still') and the return of the light gradually lengthening the days and shortening the nights, there has to be some kinda shift in our minds and hearts too...

what i mean is this...what if instead of causing our brows to furrow and our thoughts to constantly seek n peek n grasp at every strand or flicker, we say 'to hell with it!'...trawling our minds for answers simply creates a perpetual frenzy of 'is this it?'...what if we choose to live the question instead!

ah..the question...mine has been a constant companion to me for a long time now..a familiar following my every move, whispering in the quiet times...and goddess knows how i have sought the answer over and over again and yet i come back full circle, right back to the start...

so i have decided to let go of waiting to know for sure, of needing certainty and a set in stone guarantee...waiting for the 'right' answer stops me in my tracks so i turn like a sufi, with less grace and trust..because, living the question requires both these elements, a deep breath in to take a chance, to ask 'is this it?' with curiousity, wonder and risk as friends...a deep breath out to surrender into the moment opening up...and you know what? it might not be 'it', it may not yet be the answer, but it opens up so much more...living the question, without knowing the answer, gives the infinite potential of our soul every possibility to grow, expand, learn and truly live!...and yes sometimes there will be dead ends, and sometimes we will fall and fail and make mistakes...we may even get lost for a while down an alley way slightly askew..but the thing is..we will have chosen that alley way, and consciously, with our arms, heart and eyes wide open...

as the mid winter solstice hushes our whirling grooves, find some time to simply stand still and silent, and along with gratitude for all that has gone before, and all that has yet to pass, shift your perspective, and ask your question to the wind, to the moon, to your heart...and listen...

and as you hear...'tell me,what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?' (to quote the wonderful mary oliver)...pause for just a moment, then let yourself laugh, turn away and skip unknowingly into the life that is awaiting your tender attention...maybe this year ahead will be the year to keep asking. or maybe this year to come will be the realisation of the answers themselves

mid winter blessings dear ones xxx

luxuriating in solitude

'tenderness'...acrylic on canvas

luxuriating in solitude....mmmmm....say that out loud!...luxuriating in solitude....delicious...kinda purrs off ya tongue, rolling around one's palette like a fine cognac!!

feeling decadent...a desire to wear feathers and little else..to cavort on silken sheets with a hazy soundtrack of blue smoked french tones on the stereo...time stopped and lights low...

wait a moment..who am i kidding?!...(oops i can hear the needle scratched abruptly as its lifted away from the vinyl)...lets rewind here...or, to be fair in case you have just switched to the alchemy channel, 'what are you talking about sweetie??'

well, in lieu of the real thing, i am talking bout the wonder of cave like dwelling that has swept over me in particularly these last few days...the new moon heightening the inner calling, to take refuge, nay, sanctuary in a cave of one's choosing, as the quest to step openly towards mid winter beckons his boney little fingers!...my cave? why, am glad you asked...my cave dear ones seems to have become the sacred abode of my bed!

ah..visions of folk hanging out, singing songs, tuning in and dropping out may come to mind..but no, this is no lennon love in..there's only one golden ticket, and apart from teddy (special guest, old friend, been through a lot together etc. etc.!) admittance right now is strictly a solo affair!

and yes, tho feathers n satin should feature on any savvy ladies wish list, the reality is, favoured pyjamas, 15 year old indian blessed blankets, and fantastical dvd box sets do just mighty fine! oh yeah...lets add some knitting, weaving a little boat (dont ask), and journalling and this lil cave is calling my name :-)

for the first time in so many years i embrace the coming season of winter...i open my fleece coated arms and hold him against my belly like a hot water bottle...this year i have my self as companion...to hang out together, to bide the time together, to chuckle at our jokes together, and to dream together!

as i continue to gather all that i need into the potent place of hermity hibernation (chocolate marzipan, vampire books, fabrics, good tunes, a wide brimmed hat...) i take my foot gently off the pedal, step outta the wheel and take a big breath out..you know what?...if i stop all my rushing and all of my doing, i think, that just maybe, it will be all right..that i will be all right...that i wont miss out, or be forgotten, or left behind...as i let go for now of 'having to get there!' (even tho i have no clue as to what 'there' is!!) i rest simply in the now..resting in this moment..with my self

hmmm..think i'll raise a glass of port to that!

now, if you'll excuse me...my bedcave beckons

xxx

this little light of mine....

'ancestor love'...mixed media and acrylic
(available in my etsy shop as a print x)

'a dance with life and death'...acrylic

'this little light of mine...im gonna let it shine'

oh yeah! as the muppets would shout 'it's time to light the lights...'...this week brings the clocks turning back on themselves (can time really do that??) and the celtic festival of samhain signalling the end of one year and the beginning of a new one...senor darkness lifts his cap and nods a sweet 'well hello there' to the northern hemisphere...

darkness...as the fun n frolics of halloween brings out our inner ghoul and penchant for fake blood and thrills n chills..as those mexicanos honour in style with dia de los muertos, honouring and remembering their deceased love ones...this shift into the new energy of the year brings us close to the 'otherworld', or 'between the worlds', as the ancient celts would say...

life takes on a dreamier quality as our grip on reality as we know it starts to dance a different step (i mean, really, can we just turn back time? oh no, another reference to cher...shit!!)...things are not as they seem, as if we have just taken the most magic of potions and the hallucinations come to meet n mix us up begin to arise...the world tips just a little, the veils between real n surreal tease us, and our perspective begins to shift n slide...

yeah..bring it on i say..sometimes turning the page upside down is just what we need to get that 'aha' moment...tho this can be achieved without the use of 80's tunes i have to add ;-)...a time to visit the underworld, taking a leaf from persephones book and heading down town for the winter...

so..what does this mean...firstly it really is about embracing the darkness..seperated by western religions into the heaven n hell roll ya dice experience of death, delving into the darkness has been shooed away heavily in our culture...and yet, so many of our ancient philosophies and cultures regard these 'light' and 'dark' aspects of ourselves as imperative for our souls wholeness, and essentially, a part of the inherent continuous cyclical nature of life itself...life and death..birth and rebirth...

this time of the year calls upon us to go into that darkness within us..to search out what weighs us down like the alchemists lead...as we let our fears, resistances and previously locked away in guilt or shame aspects of ourselves bubble up to the surface to be met in the silent attention of our self, they have the potential to be let go, emptied and that which was lead to turn into gold!

how do we do that? well lovelies, the number of practices available for any of us are numerous and simple...and yet, we need to become still, silent, resting just with ourselves, letting patience hold and support that which is hiding in the shadows...and we need to welcome in the guidance of our light...the light we honour as we come to our mats to 'salute the (inner) sun'...the light that is celebrated in the festival of diwali happening now...the light of our hearts love and belief...and the light of awareness that can guide us little step by little step...

and we can call in our guides, ancestors, daemons, and spirits to help us...let ourselves feel their breath whispering sweet words of encouragement into our ears..feeling their holding as we rest back into trust and the moment of simply being..

the more we sow our journeys intention into the dark places we have dared to explore, and the more we shine our light onto them, the lighter we become, creating the space for our dreams to nest through the winter...

so this time of year? turn off the external lights, snuggle deeply under the covers, close your eyes, and get some zzzz's...thats when the wonder of dreams have time to roam and play...happy dreaming x