Friday, 11 March 2011

the dance of resistance

why do we practice yoga? or meditation? i have been reflecting on my own commitment to these and other practices that i have in my life. i have been thinking about what it is that i receive from taking the time to offer my intention and time to getting on my mat. why is it that this sometimes becomes a lil dance of struggle? (gulp! am admitting that yes, even this yoga teacher of many years, sometimes finds herself amidst a huge drama of resistance to simply starting). a friend of mine said something yesterday that really hit home i thought, that commiting to our practice (or whatever it might be that feeds our soul), is really about turning up for yourself. how true is that! i mean noone else is gonna be able to give us exactly what we find when we make that connection, experience that journeying inwards, take that breath, and feel the space within us. noone else can do that for us, whilst we put our feet up, and have a cup of tea! we have to turn up in order to begin. thats the first step folks!

now thats really inspiring and incredibly true, yet, why is it that when it becomes time to practice, suddenly the intense desire to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor seems to flood over me?! dont get me wrong, i hardly ever have that kind of enthusiasm for lifes lil domestic tasks usually so i am always appreciative of my efforts, yet why the resistance? why is it difficult to 'turn up for me'? this is actually quite a painful realisation. that i hesitate to 'do this for me'. do i not love myself? do i not feel worthy of this?? am i simply a lazy slob??? no, whilst there may be elements of these suggestions, i feel that its a matter of discipline and commitment, of actually taking the first step, and simply, starting!

yes, quite radical really isnt it?! simply start! take the first breath, lie on the mat, stand in mountain and close your eyes, sit and place your hand on your heart and doesnt matter how you start, just begin. because i tell you what, once i begin, whatever the practice, whether it be yoga or source painting, i cant stop! yes truly. i dont want to stop once i have begun. i always get amazed at why i had to reorganize my wardrobe before my practice today! and desire to keep moving my energy ALWAYS happens! remarkable isnt it!

do you know why i feel like i just want to carry on stretching and breathing, or sinking into my bones, or stroking the paint onto the paper? because it feels so deeply delicious. it feels right. i feel alive, even if what i connect to is uncomfortable or painful. i feel like i am home. blimey! after all that struggle it feels like a cool glass of water on a hot day and that feels mighty fine indeed!

1 comment:

  1. You're so right Heidi, I recognised all this in myself!! I think we're the subject of all our conditioning over the years and generations, that time spent "just for me" is somehow not the done thing. We need to get over that!!! And yes, just getting started, is all that's ever needed. Love and blessings to you and your followers. xxx