40daysbefore40 day 40: day 40!!!!!! Happy birthday to me :-) xxx

Now it's here I don't quite know what to say...

It's been an emotional day to be honest...I think for all sorts of reasons I am feeling pretty overwhelmed...with love...with gratitude...with tiredness (I haven't been sleeping properly all week )...with the under current murmur that this is my last post and with that a surprised hint of loss and amazement that 'Oh my god..I have done it! I have really done it...wow! :-)'...and the fact that, yep, I am now...40 (that's hit me kinda hard today I have to admit)...

and so...what now?

Well folk...this is time to say goodbye...thank you for journeying with me...for your support, love, ideas, and for taking an interest in some crazy lasses prayer of a project...

It's been wild :-)

And here I stand...the next steps??

That's for me to find out :-)

Xxx

The end......?

Day 39 part 2....

  Joy

Excitement

Gratitude

Happy exhaustion

Love

Wonder

Disappointment

Shock

Sadness

Anger

Calm

Frustration

Impatience

Relief

Pause

Satiated

Tired

...

Total n utter exhaustion!!

Hmmm...where I thought I would be an hour before hitting 40?? Of course not...but there you go..the whole full on washing machine spin dry of emotion...and here I am...posting it all..as goddamn it I am not giving up now!!

So...bed bed bed...sleep and...tomorrow is another day...another year...another decade

Thanks for listening to my truth this eve...just sayin it how it is

Nighty night xxx

40daysbefore40 day 39: gamut of emotions part 1 (basically because I cannot work my sisters iPad and I seem to not be able to finish this post so please click on part 2 to finish reading!) ta xxx!!!

Here I am


Hello dear ones...I am sat in a hotel room in the city of Budapest...yep siree ya read that right :-)...how did I get here?? well let's start from early this morning...waaaay early than the lark...here goes...the penultimate day of my thirties and of this project reads something like this....;-)

3:30am doorbell rings...dear friend at the door...me half asleep having decided that 11pm was the perfect time to die ones hair and start packing (hmmmm!!)....so, a couple of ours sleep later, a beaming sleepy smile and hug greet me...kettle on, soft talk shared, packed case ready...

5am...our chariot arrives (dad, bless him) and two become four as mom and sis are part of this adventure too...airport, coffee, duty free!...planted seats on that ole bus of the sky and we are off (now, I only discovered this mystery destination late last night...my loved ones having planned n plotted to secret me away for my birthday...how amazing is that?!)...favourite pastime indulged...cloud dreaming...gazin outta the window and wondering what it must be like to bounce amongst those fluffy balls of cottony ground...I love flying, even tho I find it such a strange activity!...a gorgeous dear friend recently mused on how life in limbo time is like those flights...we know where we got on and what that place looked like, and then we travel, somewhere new, nothing we need do but sit back and wait...unable to view the scape below, and yet we know that it is changing all the time, in each moment...we can't get off until its the right time, until we 'land' again, all changed...it's like that place known as the void, when we are in the process of change, when we have done all we needed to do, until it's no longer in our hands...all we can do is wait, trust and wait...oh, and get off when it is time! I kinda feel like that place now, only hours from 40, seatbelt fastened for landing, descent begun :-)

Taxi and eastern views...a land toughened by tough times...Budapest city and hotel arrival

And then it happened...they say it happens in threes...so here's the three folks:
My phone will not work...no signal...and I feel a rise of disappointment..I am a day away from 40...I know dear friends will contact me..and I know if I have no signal here then I will not even be able to pick up my messages when home mon eve...maybe I'm being silly, but I start to feel sad...
Heart feels like it starts to tighten..
And then the next thing happens...
I open my suitcase and it has been touched by someone else's hands...a few gifts and cards I brought with to open tomorrow have been ripped apart, tissue paper litters my bag, some random beads nestling amongst my clothes..and I it hits me...someone has been rifling through my bag, maybe has taken something, has without heart ripped into a strangers life, and I start to shake...shock rips thro me and I begin to cry...
Oh and the third? Bless my body but it chooses that exact moment to, ahem, bring its monthly gift..oh joy!!

A few brandys later, us four shaken n stirred, phone repaired thanks to nice talk talk voice on the end of the ethers Skype, energy moved as I shook and stomped it through me, and off out we went...off to..well where else when you have just arrived in foreign lands? That's right, off to the police station to get a report for my insurance

Half hour walk...two hour wait...four deranged ladies (did this happen in sex and the city??)....all reported and forms filled and time for dinner
It's now 6pm...

Things start to calm down as we take our seats in a gorgeous Italian restaurant and gorge on pizza salad and potato delights...it had been literally hours since we had eaten...

Another walk through eve city quiet streets...a wee bar by the Danube greets us to pause for a nightcap and rest our weariness as we take in the lights and beauty around us...and then hotel calls us to find the nest to drop our bones into dream times pleasures...

Blimey!! What a day!...

Ok universe..what the hell just happened??

Did you need me to run through the gamut of all of my emotions just before my big day? Like a yearly check to make sure they are all inworking order??

40daysbefore40 day 38: gifts from this prayer n practice xxx

as the finishing line is in sight and the final few days unfurl into the big day and the end of this prayer and practice, it is time to let the ripples of wisdom filter through my bones and heart and echo out in black (red??) and white on this page...

 

what have i learned from going on this journey?

 

what gifts have been unwrapped for my delight n holding?

 

what medicine has been stirred into my soul?

 

 

so...here goes folks...all that i have knowingly received into the pearled shaped gems that i will carry in my pocket, or thread upon a fine silk to wear around my throat

 

what has surprised me more than anything, is that its what has been revealed underneath all the posts, below the stories shared and visions envisioned, the musings and outpourings, that i have been offered the alchemy...so here goes

 

'gifts from the prayer and practice of 40daysbefore40''

 

xxx

 

* that when ready to, without the how, why or where??, just begin, start, and take that first step

 

* all that i had planned flew like tumbleweed into the distance...all that i had wanted to 'do' was redundant...i had to let go...to let it go in order to keep stepping forwards...into the unknown...into what was awaiting me

 

* it is a huge responsibility and commitment to turn up each day, whether armed with fruits to share, excited, ready, or whether tired, fed up, fucked off, busy or bored...to simply strengthen the intention and turn up with a 'here i am' often opened the doorway to magic and inspiration...who knew?!

 

* i came up against my self belief woundings, my 'am i enough?', 'is this enough?' mind speak...that painful and contracting old script that squashes my soul, makes me doubt my sweet self, that dampens my fire, dims my light, and leaves me seeking your approval and permission...i hold this place gently, breathing heart love and kindness, and seeking to soften its hold on my path

 

* i got lost...lost my way, strayed from my original intention...needed to go back, right back, and re connect with that anchor...and that was enough to veer me home again, to see how my expectation filled mind was looking out, checking stats and comments, swayed by 'you' dear reader, when this was for me...and with that knowing i found my way back to 'here i am' again!

 

* and that yes...goddamit...i  am still ego hooked into seeking approval!...oh well...here's to being human, to being honest, and to not judging myself so harshly

 

* that it actually doesnt matter what i say, or do, or 'show and tell' your way! that will never 'fill' me...its about softening to receive you, life and love..to let it in...to let it touch me so that i open deeper and deeper into the infinite offerings of the whole wide universe..its all there...it always has been :-)

 

* i am a sweet girl...as much as i wanted to 'shock' you and be 'naughty' and 'wild', actually that is not who i am...this has shown me that my authentic self is not that way...she's softer, with a good heart, a 'nice' gal...i see her, and her shyness, her seriousness, her awkward dance into a beautiful life...i see her mischievous ways, and playful nature, and i bow to her...to my self...and to the mirror that has shown me my face xx

 

* i have loved writing...enjoyed immensely playing with words...a gift...and i am grateful

 

* i have been touched by other's words offered back in response...hearing how brave i am...how my words have resonated and inspired...have mirrored truths unspoken and not dared voiced...i receive shyly these gifts and say...'thank you'...from the bottom of my heart xx

 

* i have had to be 'here', present, awake and alive in order to respond to each day and my engagement with it...i see how by being so wrapped up in my own head's whirl, i miss out on life, on the strange perplexity, beauty and ordinary wonders, that are happening all about me, all the time...if i drop my story and lift my head to the world as it is, i see how that is the relationship, that is the dynamic dance that is possible all the time, if i allow it...if i am truly willing...and i see how sometimes i am not...tired, busy, stressed, over stimulated...sometimes i need to go inwards...to live inside for a while, until i feel ready to pop my head out again...a cycle...like all of life's creatures :-)

 

* without realising it, this practice has felt like a cleansing...an emptying and clearing out day by day...a confessional...a prayer...an offering of all that i can name and acknowledge...and i have been amazed at how light i have felt...how playful...even when struck by the humdrum human blues, or feeling off kilter or sad...underneath has been this blanket of clarity...and for that i kiss the earth in gratitude xx

 

* i have said 'yes' to opportunities i might not have dared to before...i have stretched myself and found a renewed sense of energy by doing so...i have risked to make connection with others, and although scary, i have felt enlivened and alive, joyful and excited, and i have wanted to do it all again (some of this never made its way on here...well...not this time anyways :-) )

* i have met my edges...my need for support; for knowing i am ok as i am; for putting too much expectation on myself; and for seeking perfection and the disappointment that arises as i 'fail' to rise there; for meeting 'am i allowed?' and 'what will they think?'; i have met my fear, and the part of me that grows small and gives her power away...i see them all, as they crinkle and scratch at my insides...and i choose to greet them all with softness and love (well..lets be honest here...when i am willing to shall we say ;-) )

* that it is brave to expose oneself in this way...brave and risky to be so vulnerable...and that, actually, its ok...it feels real!

* that i have a rich and wonderful life full of beautiful people...i am loved...i am abundant...and i have learnt (or beginning to) to appreciate and value my life...i am incredibly blessed :-)

* and i realise, that in answer to my oft moaned question of 'are we there yet??' that perhaps, just maybe...that 'there' is really 'here'...and so, yes, we are!...and whatever 'here, there and everywhere' offers, it is a gift in itself

* i also know that there is probably, most likely, just underneath my seeing, much more medicine that will seep through, like blotting paper, to further enrich my life...only time will tell xxx

deepest gratitude and appreciation 

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 37: poemed prayer to 40

 

 

a prayer

 

a prayer for the quest of my 40th decade

 

my fellowship granted upon request

seeking...seeking

 

i ask for my heart to stretch back its petals

to display its underbelly all raw 

exposed

caught in the sun's gunfire

shot by the arrows, not only of cupid

but of time taken trembling into bones

bones filled to the marrow with life

a heart that tore its tears from the tree of hurt

and shaped them, origami style

into tears of sweet ness

of ripened red fig seeds

of toffee sticky plump medjool dates

tears that taste of the sweet sweet sweetness of beauty

of the beauty of an opened soul

stretched back, bare, and bearing it all

to all

 

i ask for the call to adventure, bundle on stick

all fool hardy, ready to jump over the

edge

the edge and beyond

away from the sure shore

anchor awaiting instruction to drop

drop drop deeper into sands new

i ask for the ocean

not to hold in my hand of course

but to lap at my feet

as i lap up the call to listen

to the wisdom, the soft feminine wisdom

of surrender to its siren call 

i ask to follow where my heart points the way

tho others crowd together pointing behind me

i walk among them, through them, touching them

with my fate

as i walk my way, my way, my hearts sway

to land of '?'

to the great unknown

i walk to you

lil step by lil step

taking the only footprints that i can surely call my own 

 

i ask to let go, let it go, let it go

loss washes through me

cleansing and emptying the heavy load

loss lightens me as i lemon squeeze it out

of classes, of students

of a retreat centre where magic happens and the land smiles back

of a nine year courtship of the busy ness of business

of a home and hearth 

of a cocoon done coating me with confines of my imagination

alchemy shifting into some thing anew

'yes' i say

'yes'

i am ready 

i ask for

tribal pulse beat beating to dancing feet

airs and graces, costume and laces

arias and operas

soil squelchin 

soul quenching

the colours of the moon to weave her a tapestry to wear

and the waves of breath to hold it all

i ask for my lover

all arms and sweat

eyes seeing

heart knowing

building his way, our way

on a one way road to forever

i ask for brave heart

for dare to deal

for chance taking and making

the most of time's dialling

as fiercely i pull off the petals

of seeking from another

of what if? and how?

of fears stagnant waters

and of alice potions turning me small

i ask for my voice

clear belly centred

ringing echo of truths

my truths

out into the butterfly winged flutter of it all

i ask for it all

and i ask for nothing

i look upon in serious browed contemplation

and i throw my head back, mouth opened in peals of laughters mirth

i nod and shake my skull

and wonder why i need to know

i offer myself to you

arms akimbo to an angel

i am yours

do with me that you will

only leave me a dram to toast at midnight

i ask

and i am ready

amen

 

40daysbefore40 day 36: hands up if you're a member of the AA?? xx

when one thinks of the AA (and am sure that cannot be terribly often!), there seem to be only two modes of possibility...the first, a kinda perfunctory, grey slate, get the motor running honey, automobile call out doctor...and the second, that twelve step, climb the ladder outta the well of addiction

hmmmm...

well...let me introduce a third, brand spankingly new option...

 ta da!!

welcome to AA, 2013 stylee!

this AA, my dears, is the worn on my fridge with pride, magnet symbol of all who subscribe to the 'Accept and Appreciate' motto...yep...its the way forwards i feel, and certainly two of my words for this year :-)

so, lets see how it works...well, there are no membership fees to pay, and no funky small print...just a willingness to paint the day with those two heart opening words

let me give you an example, as is my want for this 40 day practice, i will use my day as a blueprint:

after astrummin n awarblin til late last night for yesterdays premiere of my 'lil red deer' song (what? you missed it? not to worry, you can catch it here)...i fell into bed at some ridiculous hour of the wee witchy pre dawn time, and so awoke feeling, not so distinctly different, to our undead compratriots, namely, the zombies...yes, i faced the undead staring me back in my bathroom mirror...acceptance? why of course! appreciation? that befell onto the one beauty product that convinces me that god is a woman...blusher ;-)...aaah a human like semblance to fool the world!!

couldnt face the busy city ping pong, so, accepting that i needed to be gentle with my sweet sleepy self, on went the ear phones, ipod switched to shuffle, and lo and behold, immediate transportation to the land of music...another tick for the appreciation box :-)...god! do you ever have those days when you just want to live inside music?? thats me today..even now, writing these words, i am drawn to the pulse of the beat, faithless flavoured...i accepted that i was unable (maybe unwilling? oh well), to be present today...instead i gave in to the lure of my mind's theatre...each song creating a panorama of fancy footwork, and flashdance style moves..yes, i will admit, i have spent a good portion of this grey skied, damp, tuesday, in a wondrous mind whirl of dancing...dancing in ways in reality would disappoint my bones...and i totally and utterly let myself indulge...acceptance and mighty fine appreciation for this is how it is!

walking to work, protected by my barrier of sweet and funky sounds, i became an observer, a ghost to the criss cross stream of faces around me...i smiled at them, marvelling at how bizarre us human creatures are :-)...i wished that there was a way to roll to work, on the ground, earth pressing my limbs...we have bus lanes, and pedestrian paths..how about a rolling way?!, carpeted by the freshest warmed soft grass, for those days when walking upright away from gravity, seems like too much hard work ;-)...appreciation for the surrealness on my mind xx

afternoon came, and a visit to a neighbour i hardly know...having found out it was his 50th (is everyone either 40, 50 or 60 this year?? it certainly seems that way)...and what a world i entered! entering his flat, to my utter surprise and delight, was just like walking into aladdin's cave...i cant even describe to you the joy that arose for me!...trinkets galore...no wall left uncovered with all sorts of photos, paintings and random images...niknaks everywhere, in cabinets, on tables, shelves...i felt like i had wandered into a treasue trove (and i had to smile at the fact his television was showing some kinda antique dealin daytime show :-) )...sitting in this otherwordly den, i openly voiced my appreciation, and i will never look at this guy in the same way again ;-)

lying on the ground was my practice this afternoon...acceptance that even though i wanted to do some stretching or movement based work, this was how it was...appreciation for the ground, my blanket, and my tired and aching body

another class, another opportunity to practice acceptance...sometimes i feel myself get all 'hard' (no am not being strangely rude!) when faced with students who seem to possess no body awareness at all...ok a lil judgement alert coming up!...these are ususally university students, the very youthful mini adults...i have noted times when i have felt frustrated teaching them, and so, today i had a chance to change this...a choice :-)...and so i did...i let them be...a slight suggestion of an adjustment, a vocal instruction, a tender hand on the back, and i smiled...alot...at the humanness, that possesses us all (and i so enjoyed teaching them, that i didnt even realise that we were right at the end of the class!...aha..so the powers on the AA really work!!)

and to my early evening wonder...part of my day's daring...being filmed for a student dance film...just me, white walls, lights, shadows, and a phillip glass tune that makes me cry when i hear it...accepting that, yes i had blagged my way into this guy's project, and having sheepishly admitted that am not a 'real' dancer, that here i was, having chosen to go for it...and i did!...and you know what?...it was pretty cool..i loved it, even if i was tired and not as well focused as i could be, a beautiful collaberative project has begun...how very exciting! and you know what? it was the first time i had seen myself dance on film...and it was ok :-)...appreciation for my self, for my gall, and for the beautiful shapes my body makes when seduced by music

and so...here i am...back feeling held, eyes sore and desiring to close, mouth dry, belly a lil tight...noticing that my heart is not fully open, no space inside as need to sleep and uncurl like the accordion...and i smile into it all...here i am...and i accept and appreciate it all..its all my life in this moment and its all just perfect as it is (even the 'hard' parts of me that close away in fear)

halleluyah! xxx

p.s. fancy your own AA magnet for your fridge? (so you can accept the fact that your reaching in for a piece of that dark chocolate inside, knowing your gonna fully appreciate its taste in your mouth ;-) ), then let me know, and i will send one out to you...with love and a big smile of course!!

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 35: imbolc, lil red deer, and a song for you xxx

this weekend brings with it, not just a fountain of frolicking in foreign lands for my big day, but the celtic festival of imbolc :-)
 

one of the minor festivals on the cyclical calendar but nontheless, very significant to us mortal creatures...imbolc marks the waking up, the stirring and a shaking, of the earth's energies...having been snuggled deep in the earth over the dreamtime of winter, resting and allowing whatever magic and mystery starts the ball rolling all over again, its time for the lil buds to begin to yawn their way, gently, patiently and with the innocence of a new born, up through the melting frost of the soil beneath us

it is truly extraordinary if you stop to think about it, you know, what goes on under the 'no entry mate ya names not on the list!' ground of mama nature...behind that layer, deep within the dark dank dampness, seemingly sound asleep, some kinda alchemy is a happening :-)...maybe god's gardeners and interior decorators are all sat around a toadstool, drinking rose tea (from last years stock), whilst nibbling on a broad bean, discussing the styling details, and whats going to be big this year...its an event everyone is invited to the unveiling!...maybe they are having heated, well probably frozen, discussions about whether to go with that pink and purple theme that delights so many of nature's admirers, or to bling it up with a whole new crop and palette of yellows and oranges ;-)...hmmm...it makes me smile just thinking about all that rainbow explosion of possibility...i have said it before, and i will say it again, nature is fucking incredible!! 

the jewish festival, tu bishvat, recently celebrated over the weekend, is the festival of trees...celebrating the 'new' trees that are birthed at this time of the year...in the 17th century it was believed that eating ten specific fruits and drinking four cups of wine in a specific order while reciting the appropriate blessings would bring human beings, and the world, closer to spiritual perfection..(thats soo sweet :-) )

i love how no matter what your religion, philosophy or spiritual bias, most still respect and keep time by the earth's cycles...i guess without her we would be screwed (i wish everyone got that)

my beautiful private yoga student, the orthodox jewish lady, with a devoted heart and a twinkling soul, told me that, just before the trees blossom, they sing songs, well especially the children, asking each tree what it will become, what the great divine spirit has deemed it to bear responsibility, not to mention flower and fruit, for...she also told me recently, as i was admiring a painting of king david, playing the harp, whilst surrounded by deer, that each animal has its own song!...i cant tell you how happy that made me..beat that jungle book ;-) xx

 

now, not only does imbolc celebrate the awakening earth, and the return of the light, but also this is about starting to follow those dream seeds, and new intentions, that rise, like the lil buds, from deep within...this is a time of moving forth between those worlds, diving deep into the holding, receptivity and female intuition that we have been resting into, as well as starting to fire up that spiral of spirit and shakti energy that illuminates and propels our wings...moving between listening with ear pressed into that gentle humming earth, and taking flight into creating our world as we wish it to be...beautiful no? 

imbolc is also about all fertility and creativity, that potential for new life...and all of the arts are celebrated, as they are seen as magic vehicles for the manifestation of spirit...amongst the most strongly held dear at this time of the year, are poetry and song...calling in and caressing the muse as she whispers her tune in your ear...catch her threads and see what unravels before you :-)

and so...drum roll please...having had my guitar (a present from a beloved, music making, gypsy natured, ex lover) restrung and tuned (hopefully), i shyly present to you a song...this is about little red deer...its her story...her song...as some of you might know, my hebrew, and of recent years, my medicine name, is hinda...given to me at birth and rarely worn, i have been getting to know her slowly over the past few years...she fits well, and as i soften to her warmth, she suits me too...hinda means red deer in hebrew and hindi apparently...i recall looking up the meaning and being rather disappointed i will admit, that it didnt mean something like 'brave strong firey warrior kick ass dragon lion' (or something along that lines ;-)  )...no, hinda means 'red deer', and her qualities are being noble, kind and gentle...i have to say, that it is only lately, and i am still journeying there, that i have relented, most appreciatively and realised that, yes, i guess thats me...thats her...lil red deer

so here i go...never sung in public before (may never go out in public again after !! ;-) )...enjoy xxx

40daysbefore40 day 34: prayer, ritual of descansos, and letting go

 descansos...symbols that mark a death

am sure you may have seen, on the side of roads, here or in foreign lands, a marking point, perhaps heavily decorated with flowers, photographs, or gold, or as a simple gesture, a plain white cross, or a name painted on a rock...these mark that at that exact point a transformation had occurred, a loss, that a journey has been halted

'descansos' means 'resting places', and usually they are concerning the final resting place, the death, of a loved one...and yet, their potent symbolism can be used to mark the small deaths, 'las muertes chicitas', and the big deaths, 'las muertes granditas' that have been experienced up til this point of our journey through life

i have became fascinated by these beautiful powerful forms, and all that they represent...today, in fact, back in 1945, was the day that auschwitz was liberated by soviet troops, known all over the world as 'international holocaust remebrance day'...it seems quite a strange echo of synchronicity that i unknowingly had woken up this morning with the idea to create my own memorial pointer...not to honor those that died in unfathomable acts of inhuman suffering (and im sure that my family will have been affected somehow), but to honor those dreams, hopes, seeds, and paths never allowed to blossom...i guess in some way, the healing and releasing which i held as prayer, will also ripple down into the echoes of my ancestral line...blessings for my loved ones and for all those that were changed forever more from that horrific time in history

within this ritual, and that is how the last few hours have been held in, the arms of ritual and intention, i was starting to say goodbye, to hold and feel, to let go with an offering, to shed tears for, and to free as much as i was aware of, all that had been lost over the last decade

clarissa pinkola estes, jungian psychologist and author of the wondrous dipping into the female psyche known as 'women who run with the wolves', has this to say about the need for, if you like, emptying what needs to empty, before stepping further on one's path:

''there is a time in our lives, usually mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision, about whether to be bitter or not...women often come to this in their late 30's or early 40's...it may be the last straw!...their dreams of their 20's may be lying in a crumple. there may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises...if a woman will return to the instinctual nature instead of sinking into bitterness,she will be revivified, reborn...return to wild woman...to play...to grow. but first, there has to be a cleansing''

 now bitterness may seem like a harsh word, but perhaps the old hurts never felt, grievances still held on to, endings with lovers unclear...perhaps all of this builds up within us, creating a poison that runs through our subtle being, turning the fruit of our actions, thoughts and words, into the strange taste of bitterness...what is not cleared, or let go of at the time, for whatever reason, has a habit of hiding away within us, sneakingly putting a metaphorical spanner in the smoothly operated works of our life

so i sat, and i called in as much as was ready, all that felt unfinshed, all that had been lost and never wept for, and all the ways i had hurt others and my own precious self...i grieved for, and said goodbye to, with heart and love, songs that had never been sung; wailing that had been denied its cry; all the words that my mouth had never spoken...i cut ties with ex lovers, some of the feelings still present surprised me!...i held more, ahem, mature, endings with those that had never been honored...i said farewell to the old beliefs that had held me in fear, around being supported, allowing love in, of being enough...i said sorry to my body, for abandoning it when cut open for a hernia operation a few years back...and i asked it for forgiveness for only just beginning a friendship with it, after so many years of living, seemingly, estranged...i wept for the sorrow that my womb holds, for not creating life here, for growing a child, and for never giving birth (something i had and still have, a fascination, bordering on awe, about)...and i let go of keeping my feminine power at bay, of not trusting the soft strength that a woman holds as her light

there will be other feelings, stories that my body holds, aches from my heart and words from my mind, and callings from my soul, that i will continue to offer, at the feet of this descansos, as the week unfolds (and lets face it, i will never be empty, never fully cleansed, my body never perfect, my soul incomplete...its all part of the journey called life, and thats fine by me :-)  )

but to face those place that were too tender, too denied for far too long, feels a warrioress step to take...and i take it graciously, for my self, my parents, my ancestors and for the bloodline that runs through me

aho

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 33: gnomes, the unknown and travellers tales

 i went for a walk today...ventured outta the cocoon of the city walls and headed to lands all new and unexplored...not such a huge deal for sure...but for me this felt like a lil step into the greater path ahead...why?...well let me tell you...you see i am a fan of the known (not to be mistaken for the gnome! ;-) )...for all my yearnings and dreamings and imaginings of pastures new, i kinda like what feels familiar to me...now, its only recently that i have realised how impacted and compacted this view of my life has been

as mentioned on a previous post, i never used to be so known loving...in my younger days jaunts aplenty to obscure parts of the globe and random adventuring were the forte of the day...i am not sure what has happened, but it seems like, over the last decade, some part of me has narrowed so much (and sadly thats not my waist!!), that i am surprised my neck can turn any degrees to the side...my vision has tunnelled somehow and my sense of daring has shrivelled from lack of light, or, you might say, from lack of any attention directed its way...like an uncared for plant...

i have developed a fear of the unknown

i am pretty certain that i am not alone in this..in fact if i asked for a shout out here, we could probably gather an army to tackle together that hitherto unfamiliar path that lies a little to the side, beyond the strainings of a long ago forgotten to move cabeza...why do we fear the unknown, that which we cannot see, reminding us of shadowed spots that haunt the back and hazed out parlours of our dreams?

i was talking to a dear friend yesterday afternoon over coffee and cake (you have to do these things right!)...her and her husband had recently moved house...their new home, in her own words is a 'real house'...their old abode, much loved i might add, had inhabited them both for twenty years...she told me how, standing outside the front door for the last time, she had tears streaming down her face, only the fondest memories vying for her attention, and a great ball of doubt and 'oh what the fuck have we done?!' playing its one line song over and over in her mind...from there they ventured, limbo style, to a tea shop and suddenly she felt exhilarated, free and light beyond belief...as soon as they arrived at their new home for the very first evening, she tells me that something miraculous had happened...firstly, she instantly knew she was home...and secondly, she was amazed at how quickly and strongly she had seen her emotions and the stories and labels attached to them changing...essentially, she saw how her old fear based, clinging to, and deeply attached mind to 'this is how it is' had brought her such pain...when she let go of what she had attached to (basically the thought that their old home was the perfect place and she shouldnt have rocked the boat and made such a huge change) she freed herself from the velcro like stickiness that pulled her into misery!...yes of course there was grief, 20 years is a long time to be in relationship to some place, and our home is an intimate extension of who we are...our womb for a while ;-)...but without the story and thus fear, she saw that is was just a house, with lots of memories, but she didnt need to hold on to that...the memories are what she can take and hold, wherever she finds herself! 

oh and she no longer feels stuck..or watches any day time tv...a change is as good as a rest they say, and am guessing they might be right on that one!!

a couple of friends have over the last few months, jokingly pointed out, that it is difficult and unusual for me to leave the city centre radius...i.e. to venture further than i need to as i go about my life...tho i know these comments were made in jest, i felt myself reacting to them, there was a little 'ouch' arising, so i decided to explore this...was it true? have i holed myself up, all rapunzel like, in the tower of town, all corridors leading to no known exit?? of course i do go beyond the city gates, a visiting and working further afield, but something rings, sadly i might add, just a little too true...

you know, one of the ways i have felt my own 'stuckness' over the last few years, is in the desire to move home...whats the problem?...yeh folks jump ship all the time, and last year 3 of my close amigas did that very same thing, and it wobbled me more than a little..why cannot i jump? wheres my ship? why has this all gone a little piratey?? ;-)...it occurred to me recently the irony of wanting this new home, and the fact that i hardly travel or explore beyong my so called front door...hmmm...wierdly, and this is quite strange, there is a fear here...even though today i got a train for half an hour to a place just slightly further afield, i felt this familiar rising of fear...fear of the unknown, of getting lost, of being in danger...and with these thoughts, a deep sadness...strange hey?!...

something to share with you...about 8 years ago, whilst solo travelling, gung ho stylee, in the far east, i found myself in laos...a relatively new country for foreigners, or falang, as one is known as, to enter and peruse, and a very beautiful place too...nearing the end of a 3 month trip i was staying in a small village in the north, that seemed ever eager to offer the local delicacy, opium...so plenty of travellers were ascended on what was essentially a small little rural community

now i was not tempted by the drug of the day...frankly my dabble in opiates was satiated by some surreal and twisted tales from former travels to india...and i had not so long ago been immersed in a ten day vispassana meditation course, and i was enjoying the clarity and strength within me that was arising from my dedication to this gem...however, i was drawn by the beauty of the landscape and planned to stay for a few days...the universe is a bugger sometimes isnt it?!...it was only the eve before the incident i will share with you, that i was sat having dinner with a sweet and young female traveller, who was sharing her apprehension about travelling on her own...and there i was, spouting all this ramble that its all fine and how i had done this for years no problem!! kinda blase i feel now!...the next day, i decided to visit the nearby caves...

now i do not actually like caves...too damp and claustrophobic for me...and i have seen the movie 'the descent'...and 'the descent 2' ;-)...but i went anyways..its what ya do right?...i had as a guide this young local lad, only 15years of age, who appeared to be the unofficial tour guide for the caves...you know, bung him a lil cash at the end..and so we set off...now i am not going to go into what happened, but interestingly it was only when i realised, half way thro a cave, with only this kid and a 90 year old cave attendant as company, a million miles away from home, and with absolutely no one knowing where i was, that fear kicked in..the voice in my head yelling 'what the hell heidi!! are you taking crazy pills??!'...and it was as we started to head back 'home', and even though i had made it clear to this kid that i was married and my husband was waiting for me by the river (always have a husband ladies when travelling abroad solo..or failing that, at least a ring and a good story!), that i was attacked...

i got away...legged it as fast as i could towards where i could just make out the river and people...i had lost my glasses, and my flip flops at this point, but who gives a shit...zooming thro fields, and lost likely i suspect, destroying crops (sorry mister farmer), i only had one target in mind...to get to a place of safety! (sorry mom if ya reading this xx)...let me assure you that i was very very lucky...i wasnt harmed or raped...i know that many women have disturbing and abusive occurrences when travelling, and i know that i was blessed and got away...i am also certain that the kid, and jesus he was half my age at the time, but bloody strong, did not necessarily have any really bad intentions towards me, but still...attacking a woman, in any situation, is a no-no

its funny, but its only dawning on me as i write these words, that i wonder if energetically there is still something unresolved in my body?, some trauma held?, some fear that i am naming as that which faces me just stepping into going for a walk in nature in england, half hour down the road...hmmm..its possible i guess...

oh by the way....accompanied by a concerned tourist, we headed to report this incident to the local police...i had a bleeding lip, grazes and was shaken up...as i knew it would be, they were very dismissive, and shruggingly asking what they wanted me to do (because lets face it...wandering off alone with a boy is not appropriate behaviour...its not how they view a respectable woman in their culture...so i dont blame them for their couldnt care less attitude)...but i simply said that if he was taking folk around the caves, a similar incident might happen again, and it could get ugly...also...did they really condone this behaviour in one of their townsfolk?...so i will never know what happened to him, but i learned my lesson, not to be soo blase myself!!

i am totally aware that this has now turned into a mini series for a saturday evening and if you are still reading i hope you have a fine wine to hand ;-)...so...the unknown...i realise lately, that i am ready to face the unknown...as long as i have support...its that support that will keep me safe...and that support comes from inside of me...i have met recently a sadness around not ever having that solid feeling of support when i was young, or a little girl...that rock solid safety, that ability to melt and surrender into, that would have been a blueprint as i grew up, has been missing...i see it now...it cannot be reclaimed for that moment has gone...but i can recreate it for myself...my support is in feeling my feet on the ground; feeling my belly and heart; my contact with what is physically around me; and my own inner beloved championing me on and looking out for the scared lil girl in me...

maybe i can let go of that fear...maybe i can let go of the 'parent' hand that i know i still hold onto in a few ways in my life...maybe i can trust that if i fall down i wont disappear or collapse forever; that if i get lost as long as i find myself i will be ok; that maybe, just maybe, by letting go into the unknown, a whole new chapter will be revealed and i will be freed!

so..to those lil steps into the unknown..or that giant leap...to letting go of clinging to what no longer serves, and to putting myself into the hands of trust and faith...i face the unknown and i feel my energy rising..bring it on!!

thanks for stopping by

night night

xxx