40daysbefore40 day 29: simple gratitude xxx

today i am grateful for:

 

*waking up in a warm bed

*blue skies and light

*muesli yoghurt and seeds

*wonderful classes and students who act as mirrors for my sweet self

*fake moustaches, lil vials of bubbles and hearts

*lunch with a heart friend, salads and sweet potatoes

*going to ground this afternoon and stopping

*pizza in the oven

*bath awaiting 

*honouring my tiredness, my fullness, and even though i am committed to turning up here every day, acknowledging that i can keep it simple and just offer what i know to be true

*knowing that the world wont end, or all go to pieces if for one evening i simply gave to me

 

and so...

 

thats all folks

 

have a blessed and nourishing eve

 

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 28: i might as well face it im addicted to...

good evening....my name is heidi...and i'm addicted to...

 

no...not hard liquor

 

no...it isn't sneaking into ladbrokes on a galivant to gamble

 

and, no...neither is it crack (!)

 

(and at this point i must make comment that im terribly sorry if you have fallen down the darker hole of addiction...of course this is a painful and not a pleasant place to be...may you find peace and the courage to find the light again)

 

as mister palmer crooned in his charmingly charming way, way back in the late 80s...'i might as well face it i'm addicted to....erm...busyness'

 

ah yes...sorry to disappoint those of you looking for a late night early morning scoop...the truth is, that i seem to have cultivated an unhealthy propensity towards constant bloody doing!! (not literally bloody, as that might border on criminal activity!)

 

busy ness

propelled activity

like the hamster's wheel around and around i go

stopping to feed and sleep, to work and ablute

darting here and there on errands ever endless

lunching and dining and wining and making merry with dear ones

planning plotting worrying thinking 

sinking into exhausting myself

busy ness

 

even with my digital detox day there was so much to do!

 

now, i am very blessed...my life is rich and that is a wonderful thing to acknowledge, and that i do....and yet, making time this afternoon to carve out of the hours some space to pause and breathe and receive all of myself in the moment, it really struck me how driven by my left brain i am being at present...everything feels like its in lil boxes, linear paths and black n white lines (no, not those white lines ;-) )...

 

do you know that city life, with its concrete edges and straight lines, roads, streets and tetris shaped meanderings, actually, biologically, closes down the retina and lets less light in, less light hits the pineal gland, responsible for our seratonin levels and we feel a lil blue perhaps...conversely, in the countryside, where there are no straight lines, our eyes open up, the retina opens more and we receive more light, which, yep, hits the pineal gland, and, you got it, increases the levels of seratonin...our feel good hormones...hmmmm!

 

so....in my practice today, i felt this need...a need for 'no time', less busy doing ness (!)...for honouring the cyclical not linear cycles of our life...and in truth, the desire for dropping into my animal body...i felt my arms, they were warm and a lil aglow from the yoga practice prior to sitting...they felt soft and fleshy and i became aware of my womanly ness, my curves, my shape, and the breath that animates me...i felt the need for another human body...to revel in innocent sensual delight, of touch, of sensation and of the profound gift of physical connection with another...that intimacy which, let me be honest here, that one quite frankly feels lacking when not in the throes of a love affair

 

so...i asked a friend to hug me...and she did...and it was lovely

 

and then it got us thinking, and this expanded into the start of my class this evening, that wouldnt it be amazing if we could just ask someone on the streets for a hug if needed...or how about we see someone looking glum and we were able to offer them a hug...'an emergency hug' as one of my students called it this eve (thanks n xx)...i think its a wonderful idea!..maybe i will try it tomorrow on the streets of manchester :-)

so...yes...less doing...more hugging...and lets not just look to others for that balm...how about your pet? your favourite tree? teddy? or, your good and sweet and totally hug loving self!! xxx

 

so i leave you with this sweet dude, juan mann, who started the street 'free hugs' experiment a few years back...beautiful and moving...

 

 

 

hugs to you and sweet dreams

 

xxx

 

 

40daysbefore40 day 27: i love technology (ahem!) x

cassette players...particularly walkman tape players...complete with the obligatory foam n plastic head phones...all the rage in the 80's! :-)

 

ah bless xx

 

technology...theres no mistaking the effect and of course the huge benefits of the age of technological advances that we inhabit in this day and age...from mobile phones to the internet and a billion other apps, devices and components that go way overhead of this rather traditional gal...i was happy with my walkman...yes the tapes would go all warbly after a while, even winding themselves up in a kinda devilish tantrum at times, but you knew where you were with them...and best of all, and is this even possible today??, who can forget the sheer and utter delight in creating a mix tape for mates, or of receiving one from a boyfriend, his voice included with little affirmations of love on the playlist du jour!

 

i have a love hate relationship to technology...yes without the internet i would not be writing this at all (well maybe in my journal)...as a self employed yogini, its invaluable for advertising my retreats and workshops, my wares if you like, and for discovering, well, kind of anything you could possibly imagine! its all there, or rather here, at the touch of a key...magic? maybe...

 

today i came up against the price you pay for living second nature as your phone bleeps its eternal 'you got a message NOW!'...creating that need to respond, if not immediately, then certainly as soon as...my phone refused to work this morning...turning it off and on (the girls guide to technological failures?!) failing to make a difference...speaking to the kind man at the other end of customer care, only to be informed that all services on my phone had been cut off...it appears that i had exceeded my data limit by, well, alot!...so paying the price, or shall we say penalty for said error, i now have no data or internet access on my, 'are you really smart??' smart phone...its retro time again folks, and i feel vaguely bare with a device that can only serve the menial tasks of texts and calls

 

now i know im being ridiculous...especially as i was probably the last city girl to even have a mobile...glancing suspiciously at the strange metal object that an ex had kindly profferred to me...and then, you know how it is, gone are the days of making plans to meet friends and, well, you just had to turn up!...of arriving home and wondering who the bleeps were that your answer machine had collected and saved for you...a time when we were free, free from the 'NOW!' that all this technology eerily and sinisterly reaps

 

the thing is...when i am away, or on retreat, i never ever miss having my phone on, of its constant anxiety provoking presence...the sense of spaciousness and presence is such a relief!...and then, there i go, swallowed up into its bit silver jaws once more

 

a bit like list making i think...that endless codes of 'to do's'...a complicated mathematical equation that no matter how much you subtract, never becomes zero!...its enough to make me run around all a clutter clutter clutter like a demented chicken...and we wonder why that poor lil creature was crossing the road?? probably to get away from it all!! thats if it even made it across with all that clutter and clucking going on!! anyways, i digress...

 

so, on top of this vow of abstinence, i have spent most of today on the internet, granted doing a lovely task of sending out invites to my beloved family, friends and sparkling folk for my upcoming 40th party...but it took hours...hours!! and i have had enough...yes the irony of writing this to you on here hasnt passed me by...but theres nothing like a good sunday evening rant ;-)

 

so i am going to see what happens if i put technology away for a wee while...my extremist addictive tendencies sweats at this prospect, but this is what has arrived today...and im quite sure that, quite frankly, absolutely nothing is going to happen, no sky will fall down, or world will stop...but what will that mean for me?

 

i guess quiet time...time to think and pray...time to wallow in the bath (yes i am obsessed with baths in the winter months!)...time to hear my body and heart...time to stop and not be so information filled...time to stop nosying into other folks lives with all that talk of dinner eaten, and snow fallen, and what they are watching on tv (which by the way i havent watched for 3 weeks...maybe a lil whilst eating dinner but then hastily its switched off again...not that theres anything wrong with television, its just that, well lets be honest here, who the hell wants to see overweight people with health issues, botched plastic surgery, and police car chasing speeders??! really???!!)

 

ok...so am off to post this on facebook now so you can read about it! (oh the irony ;-)  )...and for at least 24 hours, i will whistle my way down the tumbleweed path marked 'technology free zone'...wish me luck, and if am not back by midnight tomorrow then please, no search parties, maybe i like it just that little bit too much :-)

 

 a manana amigos xxx

40daysbefore40 day 26: fool or cool!?

 act the fool, or, too cool for school?

i love trawling the ocean treasures that etsy's depths reveal...plugged in late last night (or should that be very very early this morning!), i fell down the warren marked 'fortune tellers and tarot'...a world of mystics and magic, witchcraft and wizardry, and all things that rattle the black laced veil that covers my brow as my new orleans finger beckons me to take a seat and cross my palm with silver (or chocolate ;-) )

 

i am learning to read the cards...as yet a novice on this art, i am accompanied by a very well written and wisely worded guidebook...my deck of choice? amongst all the va va voom variety on offer these days, amongst all the bling and gold and vamps and klimt-esque temptations, i was drawn to the simple and standard, rider waite pack...or should i say rider waite smith deck, as the extraordinary visionary gypsy artist pamela colman smith divined the images for these recently centenary celebrated cards

 

my journey with the cards commenced a few years back when trailing the charity shops in hebden bridge i came across a plain deck of tarot, for the princely some of one golden coin, or a pound to you and me..inquiring as to whether they were all accounted for, and receiving an affirmative answer from the smiling faced seller, i arrived back in manchester, scooted straight for a bookshop, and several flick through and perusals later, chose my beloved guide book...all fine so far and armed with my new goods, arriving home i began to sort through the pack and goddamit, there was one card missing...

 

justice...

 

there was no bloody justice!!!

 

typical ;-)

 

amused by this turn of events, and now having entered the doorway marked tarot, i went and bought said deck which i use now (in a strange but delightful twist to the tale, its only when i opened the rider waite cards at home did i realise that this is the pack that is used and illustrated in my guide book!)...i love it when all the threads meet in a merry bow at the end! :-)

 

so its a slow journey but one that gives me great pleasure...i dont seek to divine the future, either in my own readings or for friends, but my sense and lately my experience is, that the cards can resonate and echo what is there for us already...i am always surprised and in respect of the accuracy and wisdom of the cards...and of course, they totally rock my gypsy fantasy of running away with a travelling troubador filled circus!!

 

the last few days i have been feeling very light...light, playful and full of gratitude...theres a clarity arising and a deeper resting in the what is...an increased appreciation for all that i have and a stronger knowing that all that i might want is possible with effort, dedication, perseverance and commitment...halleluyah!!!

 

the very first card of the tarots journey, and it is a map of the human journey, is 'the fool'....the image traditionally shows a man, with a bundle over his shoulders, wandering without a care towards the edge of a cliff...he has the air of the innocent about him, and possesses perhaps a foolishness that throws caution to the wind...rightly or wrongly he is about to step over that edge and tumble into who knows what or where...this card signifies new beginnings, new directions and the initial step into life's unknown space

acting the fool...being empty of all presumption...reminds me of a tale of a zen master filling a students cup of tea even though it overflowed onto the table and down to the floor...despite the students cry the teacher continued...until he stopped and explained that often we are like the full cup, full of our knowing, our knowledge, our beliefs, so much so, that nothing new, no fresh insight or wisdom can be taken in...a wise man knows everything and is full of himself, a fool knows nothing and is an eternal student of life in each moment

now im not suggesting advocating all responsibility (see yesterdays post)...i believe that we can walk through life lightly and delight in the newness of each moment, of see life through the eyes of the child...yet as an adult we need to hold our awareness too, of ourself and each other...moving blindly as a fool demotes responsibility and is instead a naive view to take...yet foolishness is a refreshing trait and leaves room for the mystery and magic of life to come and rest on our palm, flutter its hologragh wings and feed our soul :-)

 

letting ourselves love again even though our hearts have bled and torn over past love lost; allowing hope to bubble up to the surface and risk gulping the fresh air even though it has been destroyed before; following the callings of a wild and untamed heart when all around you hushes you in the grim faced fear that pervades most of our society; trusting and having faith in a life that may have let you down, hurt you or left you in the ashes of disappointment

 

how is it to live like the fool? what does that look like to you? to drop the jaded mask and smile and kiss your wounds...and to continue to hop skip dance and walk in the direction you see the light shine from xx

 

foolishness is being who you are, with all ya traits and foibles and flaws, with all the ways you get it wrong and fall over the cobbled roads; of calling to the winds and the seas and to a 'god' that has no name or form in the middle of the night; of riding your stuffed rainbow coloured unicorn even though you are no longer small in height; of talking to strangers and giving a smile; of eating the biggest piece of cake just because; of beleiving in and trusting the truth of your own heart no matter how goddamn crazy its song seems to be...sing it loud, shake that rattle (or ya hips/ booty/ head), make up your own steps, and never ever stop and say 'ah! im wise now, i think ill stop all this foolish behaviour'

 

neigh to that my friends (unicorn agrees with a snort ;-)  )

 

have a grand and foolish saturday evening xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

40daysbefore40 day 25: being a grown up, responsibility and trust

you know when your little and there are all these sensible looking folk around you, taller than you are, wearing heels and carrying briefcases, doing important things and talking in a language that you dont understand? do you know the people i speak of? i believe they are known as 'grown ups'!!

i cannot talk for you, but i am curious as to exactly at what point does one receive and become initiated into the exclusive club marked 'grown up'? does one have to wear a badge and go to secret meetings? is there a password to mark the entrance? does one have to answer five questions on subjects such as 'whats your favourite colour?'??

i sat with this question in my meditation practice today, curious as to who the hell actually feels grown up? for all our roles and masks in the world as we go about our daily business and busy-ness, i wonder, at the end of a day, as the door closes behind us, home, slippers on feet and kettle on the boil, do we breathe a sigh of relief in amazement that we fooled em all again?!

approaching 40, two weeks today (erm who's counting ;-) ), i began to wonder what that word entails...i doubt it has anything to do with the size of your home, or whether you have a real wardrobe or four poster bed (tho i must confess i did consider if this might up my grown up status)...rather i feel it is about that mighty big, and reasonable long, word, responsibility

hmmm...responsibility...yikes!!

i looked at how i am responding to my day to day life...yes that word suggests its about our ability to respond to what life offers, our maturity, emotionally and mentally, to be in an adult, aware and respectful relationship to every part of what we are involved in...whether this be our home, finances, family, lover, friends, work, community and environment...are we there? are we willing to look squarely an d courageously at each aspect of what we are a part of...because, like it or not, we are a part of everything that is in our world, close to home or further afield...

now i am aware that there are certain aspects of my life that i have given over responsibility to...that i have turned away from, in a kinda denial, maybe in a hope that it will sort itself out itself...it wont..i know that now...noone can sort our own life out for us...well, maybe if we had  a fairy godmother...hmmmm must look up the personal ads ;-)...there are areas of my life i have become a victim to, a child to, have given over the power and support to someone else's control...hmmmm again...now thats not very grown up of me

as i seek to step into this new decade with clarity and a fuller and deeper sense of honour and integrity, i must choose to make amends...you see, it is in the 'seeing' that choice arises...ah choice...one of the tools in the 'grown up' box!...so i softened into what i had discovered and felt her, the scared little girl who feels she needs to hold herself and protect herself and perhaps does not own her own sense of worth or value...what to do now? i opened up this box of wonders and pulled out, what seems for me, to be the magical implement

trust

ah yes...i invited her in...the spirit of trust...i have worked with her many many times and i forget that she is there, always there...trust softens me, drops me back, right back, into the back of my boned body...she holds me, supports me and offers me a safe container to let go into...to let it all go...trust reminds me that i dont have to hold it all myself, i dont have to worry about all the pieces fitting exactly so, and i dont have to know whats gonna happen next!...aaah the relief!

as i let myself fall into her outstretched hand, her strong and silent holding, i had a real sense that, with trust as an ally and companion to tread the streets and paths with, that anything is possible..that all the dreams one has filled to bursting in one's heart are possible, and that no matter what life has up her tricksy sleeve, that i will, and am, always be ok...

isnt that incredible? i sensed and felt that it doesnt matter what the 'outside' looks like, with trust it can all fall apart and i still wont disappear...with trust i can fall down and fuck up and i will still be held and loved...with trust i can meet you and the world just as i am, fancy four poster bed or not...with trust its not about what you bring in gifts or furs but about what you are, what i am...and that..is..enough!!

so i will take trust with me as i take another step on this path and this prayer

and i will use her as a guide and a consort as i face my life, moment by moment, never seeking to turn away in moments of challenge, or difficulty
 

halleluyah

now where is that 'grown up' application form?...i wanna cut it up and make some hanging snowflakes ;-)

xxx  
 

   

40daysbefore40 day 24: the simple gift of awareness

an offering

simple and true

right now in this moment as i face this empty page (screen?!) what am i aware of?...i have not arrived with a story today, no ideas floated to the top of the lake to be fished out, squeezed and presented like the finest seaweed

no...today its just me...no photographs of clever angles or light...no art crafted from the craftiness of my fingers...no researched muse has guided this post

here i am...naked and open and with 'now what?' as my only clue to this daily treasure hunt

hmmmm

so...my truth in this moment

my knees are held bowed beneath me as i sit here, arms extended, shoulders a lil uneasy reaching to piano play the keys...

my belly tight, with sugar cake and coffee combo an echo of the early evening friend's birthday jaunt to victorian tea rooms...my belly full of laughter and girlfriends; of stories of old ladies who seep lace; of the magic and haunted mystery of the number 138; of snowflake catching with tongues and hands emptying to the invisible; of live pianists; of gloves with no hands; and of joyous moments of the warmth of friendship and love...

my left shoulder blade feels tight...

my nose is cold despite my home style woollen hat wearing and heater stroking the left side of my arm and hip...

my eyes close for a moment and i notice how tired i am, of city life, of stimulation, of busyness and planning, and i know that all i need right now is the hot bath that awaits my sinking into, and the horizontal plane that my mattress invites me to adopt...

i welcome it all..i invite it in, the aches, the cold, the tiredness in my bones

its all me right now, its all the costume i wear, my experience of this wonder at being human...and i soften to meet it all and feel my body shift to recieve my greeting...

my breath deepens and my shoulders enliven and move...so do my hips now and i am surprised...suddenly i feel 3D once more and i release my legs, typing with one finger as i seek to do so...cross legged now, more animated and feeling the ripples of energy, of spirit caressing the inside of the walls of this vessel

i am grateful...grateful for this moment and how powerful awareness can be...grateful for my day of teaching, of a job that keeps me mindful and present and always, without fail, lifts my heart...grateful for my loved ones and for laughter and silliness...grateful for cakes and flasks of homemade soup (thanks mom xx)....grateful that i have a warm home and am not on the streets searching for respite from the icy cold...grateful for hot water, a well stocked fridge, for olive tapenade on ryvita and port...grateful for a trashy magazine (mom again! ;-) ), and my ipod to carry a soundtrack to my day...grateful for the bus driver and the witchs way...grateful for students and for being continually surprised by my men prison folk that i love teaching...grateful for snow that blows straight at you so that if you run towards it its like going thro hyper speed a la star wars :-)...grateful for quiet and secondary glazing...grateful for a day off tomorrow and for myself for not making any plans...grateful that i am alive, and that this is my life

i am blessed

gratitude to you dear reader

night night xxx

40daysbefore40 day 23: flowers and secret yearnings

 

 

i bought myself some flowers today

roses and lilies my favourites...part of the lil gestures of kindness towards myself :-)

one of the issues that has arisen like a cobra to take a bite outta my psyche as i approach 40 is a subject which feels very hushed hush...a kinda shameful whisper amongst women of a certain age...a taboo that sweeps broadly across continents i suspect with its hollow ringing in one's heart...

 

the secret cry of a soon to be 40 lady?

 

the desire for my own family

 

there...i said it

 

its one of those things, you know, like going through puberty or having to get a job one day...like the wondrous imaginings of a first kiss, or buying pans for your own kitchen...like falling in love, and falling out again...like holidays with friends, or studying a subject of interest...or like owning a proper handbag and wearing lipstick...as a young girl, there are certain ideas, nay, ideals which seem to be expected of our developing life...seeming certainties, that for sure, as we hit the big one, we will have ticked off the tick tocking list

am pretty certain that every young gal has the comfortable certainty that at least by 40, which back then was sooo very old and grown up, and, ahem, sorted ;-), she will have met and married her prince...and there will be babies, with fair curled locks and playfully sweet natures...the picture house perfect book of images we carry with us ever since cinderella went to the ball...i blame her and her ilk!..no wait, i blame disney more to the point for sugar coating the whole damn happy ending!!!

now dont get me wrong, i am not bitter or angry about this...life happens...ive never been of normal convention in my life, and that has included my choices of relationships...i have loved and lost, and you know what they say about that :-)...i have kissed princes that turned into toads, and toads that, erm, remained toads for that matter, and a fair share of simply fine and dandy, gentle and good men

and yet....this sleeping beauty has yet to be awakened from her eternal sleep of single life with that dashing darcy's kiss!

last year i had a year of abstinence (well i slid off that a couple of times, you know, a lady has her needs ;-)  )...but essentially i put down the searching and grasping for him, the endless time wasting in something that deep down i know in the gut of my wisdom, was never going to last...you know what? i felt such a goddamn flood of relief...jesus its mighty time and energy consuming seeking out the one...so i gave that energy to me, and as cliched as it sounds, and yes it really bloody well does doesnt it?!, i found happiness with the relationship i was developing with me myself and i

but thats sooo 2012!!

now i am openly open to dating again, to being wined and dined, courted and escorted to the ball de joie...(just in case your reading this and have some gorgeous single friends...p.s. if they look like michael fassbender then bonus!)

but it has surprised me, over the last few weeks the waves of grief and sadness that have risen up around not yet having my own prince and little ones...theres a tender cut at my heart, and though i am not consciously desiring to conceive manana (that biological clock alarm rings quieter each passing year), i am obviously mourning a culturally and, lets face it, biologically expected norm

now i have many beautiful intelligent witty funny and charming female friends who with or without said partner have no desire to offload offspring into the world, so i understand that this is not necessarily the only way...but in owning my truth, my body and heart truth, even if my mind doesnt see it, is important for me to gently hold and acknowledge this ancient goddess desire

 

who knows what adventure and delights this next decade will offer...who knows if my destiny is the family path...i have two divinely delicious nieces and even looking at photographs of them make my heart leap with joy...i am godmother to friends' children and have little people in my life...what will be will be

 

but there you go folks, the un addressed heart carrying the yearnings of many a woman as she steps over a new threshhold...may we always honour our hearts...may we always honour the losses of life...may we weep and grieve and clear the space for dreams new

 

love and flowers xxx