i bought myself some flowers today
roses and lilies my favourites...part of the lil gestures of kindness towards myself :-)
one of the issues that has arisen like a cobra to take a bite outta my psyche as i approach 40 is a subject which feels very hushed hush...a kinda shameful whisper amongst women of a certain age...a taboo that sweeps broadly across continents i suspect with its hollow ringing in one's heart...
the secret cry of a soon to be 40 lady?
the desire for my own family
there...i said it
its one of those things, you know, like going through puberty or having to get a job one day...like the wondrous imaginings of a first kiss, or buying pans for your own kitchen...like falling in love, and falling out again...like holidays with friends, or studying a subject of interest...or like owning a proper handbag and wearing lipstick...as a young girl, there are certain ideas, nay, ideals which seem to be expected of our developing life...seeming certainties, that for sure, as we hit the big one, we will have ticked off the tick tocking list
am pretty certain that every young gal has the comfortable certainty that at least by 40, which back then was sooo very old and grown up, and, ahem, sorted ;-), she will have met and married her prince...and there will be babies, with fair curled locks and playfully sweet natures...the picture house perfect book of images we carry with us ever since cinderella went to the ball...i blame her and her ilk!..no wait, i blame disney more to the point for sugar coating the whole damn happy ending!!!
now dont get me wrong, i am not bitter or angry about this...life happens...ive never been of normal convention in my life, and that has included my choices of relationships...i have loved and lost, and you know what they say about that :-)...i have kissed princes that turned into toads, and toads that, erm, remained toads for that matter, and a fair share of simply fine and dandy, gentle and good men
and yet....this sleeping beauty has yet to be awakened from her eternal sleep of single life with that dashing darcy's kiss!
last year i had a year of abstinence (well i slid off that a couple of times, you know, a lady has her needs ;-) )...but essentially i put down the searching and grasping for him, the endless time wasting in something that deep down i know in the gut of my wisdom, was never going to last...you know what? i felt such a goddamn flood of relief...jesus its mighty time and energy consuming seeking out the one...so i gave that energy to me, and as cliched as it sounds, and yes it really bloody well does doesnt it?!, i found happiness with the relationship i was developing with me myself and i
but thats sooo 2012!!
now i am openly open to dating again, to being wined and dined, courted and escorted to the ball de joie...(just in case your reading this and have some gorgeous single friends...p.s. if they look like michael fassbender then bonus!)
but it has surprised me, over the last few weeks the waves of grief and sadness that have risen up around not yet having my own prince and little ones...theres a tender cut at my heart, and though i am not consciously desiring to conceive manana (that biological clock alarm rings quieter each passing year), i am obviously mourning a culturally and, lets face it, biologically expected norm
now i have many beautiful intelligent witty funny and charming female friends who with or without said partner have no desire to offload offspring into the world, so i understand that this is not necessarily the only way...but in owning my truth, my body and heart truth, even if my mind doesnt see it, is important for me to gently hold and acknowledge this ancient goddess desire
who knows what adventure and delights this next decade will offer...who knows if my destiny is the family path...i have two divinely delicious nieces and even looking at photographs of them make my heart leap with joy...i am godmother to friends' children and have little people in my life...what will be will be
but there you go folks, the un addressed heart carrying the yearnings of many a woman as she steps over a new threshhold...may we always honour our hearts...may we always honour the losses of life...may we weep and grieve and clear the space for dreams new
love and flowers xxx