Wednesday, 9 January 2013

40daysbefore40 day 16: feathers for fears xxx

''Opening to the world begins to benefit ourselves and others simultaneously. The more we relate with others, the more quickly we discover where we’re blocked. Seeing this is helpful, but it’s also painful. Sometimes we use it as ammunition against ourselves: we aren’t kind, we aren’t honest, we aren’t brave, and we might as well give up right now. But when we apply the instruction to be soft and nonjudgmental to whatever we see at this very moment, the embarrassing reflection in the mirror becomes our friend. We soften further and lighten up more, because we know it’s the only way we can continue to work with others and be of any benefit in the world. This is the beginning of growing up''
pema chodron     heart advice

aah..beautiful wise ms chodron...her words echoing far beneath the rippled surface of my mind today...a gift from the angels when her discourse blows a gentle breeze to the feathered realms of my thoughts

soften soften soften

i am a sensitive soul and when the winds of change come a charging and a huffin' n puffin' to blow your house down, i tend to get overwhelmed...i wobble and topple and feel as if the rug of perpetual ground is being tugged right from under my feet

i read once that the esteemed yoga teacher judith lasater, when filling in some form of non descript, was momentarily paused when faced with the question 'what is your permanent address?'...she hesitated a while longer lingering in the truth that, well, no where may we call our 'permanent' home

now, i feel that this year, for me, is a sloughing off, a continuation of the snake medicine, my friend and ally, helping me to shed the ole skin...and a new year realisation that as far as resisting this metamorphosis, i am helpless...i can kick n scream n cling by the edges of my fingernails, but resistance, my friends, is futile!

so here i mantram of choice and my anchor in this choppy sea...and today i felt the rocking as another wave hit the deck and pulled me under its spell...changes..changes...those goddamn...paradoxically craved and opposed changes

nothing stays the same

everything changes

to be truthful, i am scared...underneath the waves of emotion that arises for me with the rockiness of change, is fear...aah hello friend...change means unknown knowing where the dots join up, or feeling safe colouring in inside the lines...the lines have today and gone tomorrow...sometimes i lie in bed late at night and a strong desire to throw all the pieces of my life up in the air crack it all up with a pick and a hammer, to break all the familiar into teeny tiny stand, naked and alive awaiting the dawn with a myriad pieces of my safe life lying scattered in shards of colour all around me...god...sometimes i am tempted...tempted to reveal just a lil too much, to gamble the devils advocate card with my own life as tip over the edge too far to climb destroy and implode until there is nothing left to identify


you see i feel that all is falling away...yes i am teaching...yes i am running a retreat this spring...but its my last one for a while...i feel that i dont know quite where my alchemy business is going...i sense a loss to be honoured for nearly 9 years of wondrous bravery and willing students, of creative overflowing and laughter and sharing and goddamn warriors daring to be seen!!...i feel the tugging at my sleeve of something not yet formed, of collaberation, of creativity, of flows of ideas and new learning and travel, of a team and tea, of ventures of soul and brand new lands, of a great big '?'...

sounds good hey?

but this requires change...i sensed today, after receiving some news of loss, of change, of disappointment and of making mistakes, that the shaking ground that i find myself on when i open my eyes to life's uncertainties, is simply that...shaking ground...its ok to shake with it...its ok to wet my cheeks with apprehension and incomprehension...its ok to not know, to get lost, to fuck up, to make mistakes, and to say 'here i am' in whatever state it finds me...its ok to be rocked and rolled, shaken and stirred..and yet..the key?

the key is softness..the key lies in the beauty of the feather...the light touch that strokes the moment of your heart and tickles it slightly into submission...submitting its hardening...submitting the armour that protects from the shakes...submitting the 'i am ok' when perhaps you are not...submitting the unfeeling so that life can be felt..and in that feeling, in that moment, as feathers fall down, the softness of their touch reminding us to lighten, and be of service to the beauty of the world and each other


p.s. dance helped me soften and prayer..prayer and dance..where the hell is the line between them anyways?!...and going to her my fears, my tears and my bones to i softened and softened and let go into submission xxx

and with the flux of change that tests my trust, even tho thousands of times i have been tried and faith yielded the way, i panic, always i panic, panic into no breath, into no ground...and yet today diamonds twinkled in the pocket of life i call my own: of friends reaching out in contact for tea and chatter, of new souls with shining smiles and tales of music and magic, of a venue for my birthday jaunt, of daring to risk with a totally gorgeous man (all will be revealed ;-) ), of dancing and movement, of new classes and attentive students, of couscous and red peppers, of bed calling my name, of the amazement that its 16 days in and tho my god some eves i am called away i still turn up, and still offer what i am in that moment, of lessons learned from this practice, of chances and changes, of trust and the willingness to maybe, just maybe, i can let it all go, and of you, dear reader, for hearing my words...thank you..thank you for all of this...gratefully i kiss the earth and take this filled heart to bed...alone :-)


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