Wednesday, 2 January 2013

40daysbefore40 day 9: love

transition station (aka euston station in london town ;-)  )
so am sat in a very loud very bright very stimulating coffee shop passing time until catching my train ride home...surrendered to wavering the while after the ''computer says no!!" ticket dude would only let me get the earlier train back to manchester if i handed over 150 pounds...i tried to argue the fact that that seemed rather absurd considering there were plenty of empty seats and i had a paid for ticket, just for a train 2 hours later, but he looked at me blankly, and a lil irritated, as if the thought of bending the rules, like a kind flower might, seemed prepostorous! here i am...drinking grape and cranberry juice and revelling in the anonymity of a new place :-)
travel fascinates me...its almost a necessity to people watch (one of my all time favoured pastimes), and the new perspective to life can be a major balm for feeling of the aspects of travel i find trickier to love though is the schlepping of heavy bags, that seems a nemesis to moving with any kinda grace to ones steps...hmmmm!!...unless one had someone to deal with your luggage (which then might require a small dog in your handbag and a chauffeur! yeh to the latter and ill pass on the canine thanks!)...anyways i having to manoeuver ones way worm like through crowds of folk often challenges my flowing nature!
however, crammed onto the tube with about 6793 folk (well it seemed like it), noticing how i was beginning to react, i decided to try something different..instead of having a lil rant in my mind that how dare all these people be travelling at the same time as moi, and shuffling at the speed of a snail towards the exit at the tube station ;-), i shifted to wondering who they were...what was their story? where were they going? were they happy? in love? lost? found? human?? (ok i know thats seems a lil doubtful yet i have seen a fair share of zombie movies so.....)...i saw that these were similar souls, riding life's rollercoaster with all its thrills and spills, hoping for their dreams to come true..hoping for health and a rich life...hoping for happiness...and, most likely, hoping above all else, for LOVE xxx
a very small word...a very large hope
you see, what strikes me, and you must realise that i have spent the last 3 days dancing with community of heart dancers, is that tho we all seek for love, we all do a damn fine job of not letting it in!! i must confess that i have struggled with this in my life...i feel immensely blessed as i have so much love in my life, and yet i have spent a ridiculous amount of time denying that love...and most of all, i have not allowed myself to receive it...i think back to past lovers, beautiful boyfriends who offered me their hearts, the kindness of strangers and the generosity of my family, my teachers, my friends...i am not completely sure i have really let that this dance workshop, and admittedly over the last few years, i have begun to trust that love...i am at the beginning of letting love in..of softening the armour, of dropping the drawbridge of my heart, of seeing what happens if i let you in...and you know what? beneath my fear, my anxiety, my worries about being enough (good enough, interesting enough, beautiful enough, blah blah bloody blah enough!!) those moments, those sweet and heart touching moments, stripped bare of all pretence, have been so exquisite, so whole and so so right...
what do i mean by 'right'?
i mean that we are meant to be connected...we are meant to link our hearts together, whether for a singular moment or for a lifetime..we are meant to dissolve in the window of each other... to break be be as translucent as the finest gossamer lose all sense of 'i' and 'you'....we are meant to be connected
so as i spend this transition time, watching the world, other diamonds that sparkle, as i notice the woman in stripes and stars leggings; the child drawing crowns and tiaras of her imagination; the couple having an arguement; the rasta guy with the rainbow coloured umbrella; and the young man reading freud next to me....i am reminded that we are all connected...we are all love
make today the day you tell someone you love them...and really really mean it

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