live the question

'there are years that ask questions and years that answer'

zora neale hurston

what if we have it the wrong way round?...you know..like upside down, back to front, a mirrored image...maybe our perspective has twisted a lil to the side, and like some surrealist spin, we have been rolling our words to the sound of a distant drummer, over and over and over again...

you see, as the cycles of the earths energy swing
back from yin to yang after a momentary pause, a sigh, an empty moment to simply rest and stand still (the literal meaning of 'solstice' is 'sun-stand-still') and the return of the light gradually lengthening the days and shortening the nights, there has to be some kinda shift in our minds and hearts too...

what i mean is this...what if instead of causing our brows to furrow and our thoughts to constantly seek n peek n grasp at every strand or flicker, we say 'to hell with it!'...trawling our minds for answers simply creates a perpetual frenzy of 'is this it?'...what if we choose to live the question instead!

ah..the question...mine has been a constant companion to me for a long time now..a familiar following my every move, whispering in the quiet times...and goddess knows how i have sought the answer over and over again and yet i come back full circle, right back to the start...

so i have decided to let go of waiting to know for sure, of needing certainty and a set in stone guarantee...waiting for the 'right' answer stops me in my tracks so i turn like a sufi, with less grace and trust..because, living the question requires both these elements, a deep breath in to take a chance, to ask 'is this it?' with curiousity, wonder and risk as friends...a deep breath out to surrender into the moment opening up...and you know what? it might not be 'it', it may not yet be the answer, but it opens up so much more...living the question, without knowing the answer, gives the infinite potential of our soul every possibility to grow, expand, learn and truly live!...and yes sometimes there will be dead ends, and sometimes we will fall and fail and make mistakes...we may even get lost for a while down an alley way slightly askew..but the thing is..we will have chosen that alley way, and consciously, with our arms, heart and eyes wide open...

as the mid winter solstice hushes our whirling grooves, find some time to simply stand still and silent, and along with gratitude for all that has gone before, and all that has yet to pass, shift your perspective, and ask your question to the wind, to the moon, to your heart...and listen...

and as you hear...'tell me,what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?' (to quote the wonderful mary oliver)...pause for just a moment, then let yourself laugh, turn away and skip unknowingly into the life that is awaiting your tender attention...maybe this year ahead will be the year to keep asking. or maybe this year to come will be the realisation of the answers themselves

mid winter blessings dear ones xxx

luxuriating in solitude

'tenderness'...acrylic on canvas

luxuriating in solitude....mmmmm....say that out loud!...luxuriating in solitude....delicious...kinda purrs off ya tongue, rolling around one's palette like a fine cognac!!

feeling decadent...a desire to wear feathers and little else..to cavort on silken sheets with a hazy soundtrack of blue smoked french tones on the stereo...time stopped and lights low...

wait a moment..who am i kidding?!...(oops i can hear the needle scratched abruptly as its lifted away from the vinyl)...lets rewind here...or, to be fair in case you have just switched to the alchemy channel, 'what are you talking about sweetie??'

well, in lieu of the real thing, i am talking bout the wonder of cave like dwelling that has swept over me in particularly these last few days...the new moon heightening the inner calling, to take refuge, nay, sanctuary in a cave of one's choosing, as the quest to step openly towards mid winter beckons his boney little fingers!...my cave? why, am glad you asked...my cave dear ones seems to have become the sacred abode of my bed!

ah..visions of folk hanging out, singing songs, tuning in and dropping out may come to mind..but no, this is no lennon love in..there's only one golden ticket, and apart from teddy (special guest, old friend, been through a lot together etc. etc.!) admittance right now is strictly a solo affair!

and yes, tho feathers n satin should feature on any savvy ladies wish list, the reality is, favoured pyjamas, 15 year old indian blessed blankets, and fantastical dvd box sets do just mighty fine! oh yeah...lets add some knitting, weaving a little boat (dont ask), and journalling and this lil cave is calling my name :-)

for the first time in so many years i embrace the coming season of winter...i open my fleece coated arms and hold him against my belly like a hot water bottle...this year i have my self as companion...to hang out together, to bide the time together, to chuckle at our jokes together, and to dream together!

as i continue to gather all that i need into the potent place of hermity hibernation (chocolate marzipan, vampire books, fabrics, good tunes, a wide brimmed hat...) i take my foot gently off the pedal, step outta the wheel and take a big breath out..you know what?...if i stop all my rushing and all of my doing, i think, that just maybe, it will be all right..that i will be all right...that i wont miss out, or be forgotten, or left behind...as i let go for now of 'having to get there!' (even tho i have no clue as to what 'there' is!!) i rest simply in the now..resting in this moment..with my self

hmmm..think i'll raise a glass of port to that!

now, if you'll excuse me...my bedcave beckons

xxx

this little light of mine....

'ancestor love'...mixed media and acrylic
(available in my etsy shop as a print x)

'a dance with life and death'...acrylic

'this little light of mine...im gonna let it shine'

oh yeah! as the muppets would shout 'it's time to light the lights...'...this week brings the clocks turning back on themselves (can time really do that??) and the celtic festival of samhain signalling the end of one year and the beginning of a new one...senor darkness lifts his cap and nods a sweet 'well hello there' to the northern hemisphere...

darkness...as the fun n frolics of halloween brings out our inner ghoul and penchant for fake blood and thrills n chills..as those mexicanos honour in style with dia de los muertos, honouring and remembering their deceased love ones...this shift into the new energy of the year brings us close to the 'otherworld', or 'between the worlds', as the ancient celts would say...

life takes on a dreamier quality as our grip on reality as we know it starts to dance a different step (i mean, really, can we just turn back time? oh no, another reference to cher...shit!!)...things are not as they seem, as if we have just taken the most magic of potions and the hallucinations come to meet n mix us up begin to arise...the world tips just a little, the veils between real n surreal tease us, and our perspective begins to shift n slide...

yeah..bring it on i say..sometimes turning the page upside down is just what we need to get that 'aha' moment...tho this can be achieved without the use of 80's tunes i have to add ;-)...a time to visit the underworld, taking a leaf from persephones book and heading down town for the winter...

so..what does this mean...firstly it really is about embracing the darkness..seperated by western religions into the heaven n hell roll ya dice experience of death, delving into the darkness has been shooed away heavily in our culture...and yet, so many of our ancient philosophies and cultures regard these 'light' and 'dark' aspects of ourselves as imperative for our souls wholeness, and essentially, a part of the inherent continuous cyclical nature of life itself...life and death..birth and rebirth...

this time of the year calls upon us to go into that darkness within us..to search out what weighs us down like the alchemists lead...as we let our fears, resistances and previously locked away in guilt or shame aspects of ourselves bubble up to the surface to be met in the silent attention of our self, they have the potential to be let go, emptied and that which was lead to turn into gold!

how do we do that? well lovelies, the number of practices available for any of us are numerous and simple...and yet, we need to become still, silent, resting just with ourselves, letting patience hold and support that which is hiding in the shadows...and we need to welcome in the guidance of our light...the light we honour as we come to our mats to 'salute the (inner) sun'...the light that is celebrated in the festival of diwali happening now...the light of our hearts love and belief...and the light of awareness that can guide us little step by little step...

and we can call in our guides, ancestors, daemons, and spirits to help us...let ourselves feel their breath whispering sweet words of encouragement into our ears..feeling their holding as we rest back into trust and the moment of simply being..

the more we sow our journeys intention into the dark places we have dared to explore, and the more we shine our light onto them, the lighter we become, creating the space for our dreams to nest through the winter...

so this time of year? turn off the external lights, snuggle deeply under the covers, close your eyes, and get some zzzz's...thats when the wonder of dreams have time to roam and play...happy dreaming x

word up!

words words words...its impossible to set out n about on one's daytime meanderings without being subjected to a sprinkling, even sometimes, a torrent of words!...catching the last whispers of someone elses conversation; songs sung floating like smoke's curl around our heads; the obligatory 'crazy' dude offering out his thoughts; and the general murmur that vibrates all around us like a sea of chatter...quite frankly, its unavoidable!

like an impromptu art performance, words are sounds that provide a musical background...surely i cant be the only one who often thinks that to actually have a musical accompaniment to ones day would be super fantastic indeed? you know, the blues when you be feeling a lil tender hearted; rock for those 'dont even think about slowing down in front of me on the high street you *****!!' moments; and a lil breathless french chanteuse for when you got that purring 'i am feeling gooood' saunter going on!...until then, thank god for ipods :-)

i have been thinking about 'words' this week and how profoundly powerful they are...poems that touch us in beauty and rememberance...the thrill of being 'met' by another's 'yes'....the anticipation when presented by 'we need to talk...'...the heart beat skipped upon hearing 'i love you'...and so on and so on...

words make up the fabric of our connections...sure true intimacy is the ability to simply be with another and the world without the need for words to place their marks between us...in fact, the space between words holds such depth and richness...and yet, words are like the threads that we weave around us, between us, and through us, tugging at our hearts, binding at our wrists, and drawing us silently nearer and towards in deepest curiousity

and what about those words that tumble and spin in the cavity of our skull? our thoughts...our spoken words often arise from the filter of our minds...its the sorting room, where some are deemed unsuitable, some finely tuned to serve their best purpose!...and what about those words we whisper silently to ourselves? our own ongoing internal conversing, back and forth in jest or jibe...how about those words?

words and thoughts are vibrations of energy...indeed the upanishads talk reverently about the word 'om'...made of the three sounds 'aaah', 'uuuu', and 'mmm'...chanting om carries the sound from the back of the throat all the way to the lips...om is known as the sound that holds all sounds within it, holds all of creation, vibrating all of our self and every cell in its tone...

sound creates...what we think creates..what we say creates...in every moment we are creating our world...being mindful of what we hold in our power can empower us in each moment of our lives, in every connection with another we engage in...the most powerful words for me right now arose after my movement practice a few days ago...'here i am'...'here i am'...as i repeated these words they flowed into 'i am here'..'here i am here i am here i am...'...i felt strong, feet shooting roots embodying me and solidifying me into my place on the earth...'here i am...i am here'...thats all..thats enough...

may your words echo the beauty of your soul...may your words offer the tender flutterings of your heart...may your words direct the fire of your belly.. and may your words sparkle the twinkling joy behind your eyes

with love...

a little night conversation...

its always the hours of the limbo time that awaken some portal of clarity within my soul...typing to you in the darkness, my fingers trusting their way to find the right notes on the keyboard..so far they are doing a fine and worthy job

had to get up outta bed...felt drawn to write...followed this impulse and so i find myself here..the carpet feels warm and soft beneath my folded knees..the sounds of manchester permeate the silence...i reflect

what happened that drew me here? when i should be by the narrowmindedness of the 'shoulds' be asleep in preparation for the weekend retreat i am running this weekend...well...as i twisted and restlessly shifted from one pose to another sleep eluding me like a sly mischief maker i began to talk aloud...to myself so i could hear...to the universe as a much missed conversation that has been avoided over the last few days

events over the last few weeks have seen me thrown back down an alley way i thought had been navigated out of my system..caught in this labyrinthe...struggling to find the exit i got stuck...and so without reason or rhyme i began to speak...

i spoke of what i was feeling..i spoke of where i am...of what has held me in a puzzle for days...i named all of it and let my mind pursue the threads of conversation without end, without goal, without the confines of reason...as i told my souls tales, insights started to float up, catching them and rolling with them it all began to make sense...the shifts of my dreams and heart desires that i have spoken of before a few posts ago, that have started to transform, became stronger, clearer and with this a sense of excitement and also peace settled in my heart...i touched myself with my attention, and was touched in return...all is coming more into focus...all is as it is meant to be...all is a gift that just needed time to show its treasures...i am blessed

i realised how much i have changed this year...i felt a newness of purpose...i deeply felt the aches of my hearts true desires, the same as but essentially different to the ones i have clung to for what seems like eternity...i saw what i have to do and what i need to let go of...and most of all, blessedly so, i realised how much i am loved

satiated, at peace, in gratitude and in love...i think its time to try that thing called sleep again..hope your dreams are as sweet as your heart this eve... xxx

shedding

one of the most beautiful aspects of autumns arrival is the breathtaking experience of walking through the park...as the leaves turn their shades of golden reds and yellows, it is as if they are pulling the sun into their tiny form before dropping back into the earth to settle, disintegrate, disappear and return back into that place from which they were borne...

this is the time of shedding...

but not mindlessly..oh no...staying present to the process of shedding is where we often get lost, confused, or simply close our eyes and turn away from...

why?...very simply, shedding is a damn painful process!...it hurts man!...as the leaves bravely take their turn in the one way sky dive which is their fate, i wonder whether the branch from which they previously sat gently aches at its loss, the edges still sore and slightly bruised for a while...just like when a scab falls off, the new skin underneath, tho ready to do its job and take its place on the finery of our knee, is raw, new, and ever so slightly tender...

this week i have been feeling the tenderness of shedding, tho in the more human bean form of loss...3 pieces of achingly sad news has found its way to my heart, dear ones suffering and coming to terms with some aspect of themselves being cut off and lost...i feel that loss, not because it is mine personally, but because we all know this feeling..it lies deep in our hearts, our bones, our memories, from the initial birth into a 'separate' world, through losing toys, parents attention when a new sibling has arrived, friendships in the petty battlefield of the playground, virginity and the loss of our innocence, or voice, our power, grandparents, parents, friends, dreams, lovers...life is full of loss..it is part of the continuos process of shedding...for without it, nothing new can arrive...

essentially what is shed in some way is the alchemy potent for transformation...no matter how much we battle against this, and i learned recently that the humble caterpillar, though most likely aware that his turn to become the glorious butterfly like his friends before him is inevitable, still resists with all his might this transformation...

whatever happens to us in life, and no amount of practice can offer protecton from matters of the heart, is part of the cycle...our practices can give us the opportunity to stay with it all..to feel the heart ripping openness of loss, the grief which feels like an endless pit, and the sense of strength we all hold to breathe through the pain until, as it will, somehow, someday, pass, leaving us transformed, different, and changed into something new...

maybe thats why those leaves turn red n orange...transformation burns, and the fire is the force which fuels this shift

drop n give me 20 (winks that is!!)

'rest those weary bones'
(painted at the tues art salon...made me realise i need to give my bones a sacred resting place...a way to show myself that i love and honour all of me!)

the sky's blackness covers me like a thick blanket...do you know how i feel this fri eve?...am so so tired that i have this whirring sensation all the way through my body...i kinda feel like i have been riding a train all through the night on some exotic land...how i love those journeys, watching the new world changing its shape, the smells, sights, sounds and experiences washing through my senses...and then arriving, at a strange platform, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, disorientated, shaken, bones still rattling...exhaustion pulling at the corners of my mind to simply stop, rest and go to ground

ah...the ground..the earth...the largest surface of horizontal bedding down one can imagine!..still..silent...strong...breathing its motherly comfort into our ears

this week dear ones autumn has jumped outta its box and 'booed' us rudely into the dawning of a new season!...blimey!...erm...god/dess?..arent we due perhaps a tad more summery warmth before the lights go out and the thermals go on??..apparently not to be folks..damn!...and so this week, well certainly here in the north of england, the temperature began to hiss a cool vibe, and the winds began their dance...

the winds...oh my...(or should that be 'lions n tigers n winds..oh my!!'?)...according to ayurveda, this shift into the season of autumn brings with it an increase in the dosha of vata...vata is the quality of dryness, of wind, air, lightness...it gives us movement and the ability of quick thinking and superman power like nimbleness!...and yet too much vata can imbalance us...cause us to become too heady, minds hyper, routines knocked on their heads, and a sense of, quite literally sometimes, being blown around without our control!

talking to friends and students this week this appears to have affected us in some way..for me its affected my sleep, and this openly proud night owl has surpassed her self by finding the hour of sleep pushing dawn many an eve...thats not good folks...not even for me!

so what to do?...well..there are some practical tips i can offer you...stay warm, especially at the back of your neck; begin to eat more warming, earthy foods, such as root veg, and hearty soups; treat yourself to an oil massage after you bathe (good organic sesame oil is good for this); and try and implement a routine to your days...essentially, as we pull away from the firey summery months it is time to honour the pull towards the earth...so rest more, stop more...and when you can, get yourself to the ground!

thats right folks...make like a cat and find somewhere to pull that blanket over you, curl up and take the advice of those spanish cousins...siestas rock!

so its an early one for me tonight...im off for some zzzzz's!..night night xx

intimacy

its september...2:28am...a hot bubbling bath awaits with expectant innocence of my arrival...and yet...this blog lures me to its portal where my tapping fingers creates who knows what...ahhh..am in a deeper space...that late night..dark sky...no time...no cares...kinda limbo place i dearly cherish...at this hour it feels like time stands still for me...bringing a chance to catch up with my self...my self that i have been busily ignoring for a few days...busily distracted by work n play...

do you know what? something strange is happening...strange because lil cracks seem to be appearing in the well worn story of my mind...the story? the fabled tale with the same twisted ending each time i recall it?..yeah that one...its the story of 'what i want'....hmmm...what i want hey?...i thought i knew what i wanted...and yet... right now..i dont know anymore..something has shifted..something is shifting..and i aint got a clue whats going down!

geez...a sombre posting sweet heart...maybe..maybe not...when i first decided to blog it was for 2 reasons...the first is that i needed a website for the 'alchemy of the arts' events...and secondly, more personally, it was to take my writing, n crazy musing, outta the lonely solace of my journals, and out into the grand big wide open world!...why?...well..and this is part of whats a changin for me...let me tell you a story...

once upon a time (oh come on, everyone likes a story that starts with those words!)...once upon a time a slightly sparkly n rather shy girl took her steps of independence from the world of family n out into the cemented streets of the world..well ok..manchester..

generally quite alarmed by the presence of most folk who crossed her path, n perplexed by the human game most of the time, she found a way to make it look like she was a part of the show...yes she became a yoga teacher, and yes she wandered the world and treaded her red earthed coated feet onto shores exotic and new, and she had a variety of dalliances with an assortment of strange n beautiful creatures, and she had friends and a place to live and looked like every other human bean that walked the streets (tho she was always fabulously dressed..that has to be said!)...

she was holding a secret close to her heart...a secret that meant she didnt have to touch the world fully...a secret that meant, in turn, that the world couldnt touch her fully either...what was this secret?...well, its very simple...she had a veil..a walled veil over her heart...a veil so fine that it was almost imperceptible to the human eye..and yet so tough, like the hardest skin of a leather coated animal primed to never ever be dented by the sharpest of blows!

fine..she thought...fine

and yet it wasnt....fine that is...far from it...she felt separate, isolated and the once revered title of outsider that she had made her own wildly n proudly, felt a poor substitute for the deepest desire she held inside...the desire my darlings..was for intimacy..

intimacy..

into me you see...is one way a friend once broke this word down for me...into me you see..gee..really??..yikes!...

so starting this blog was this shy girls step of lifting the veil..of peeking her face out from beneath...of saying...'this is me'...i have often struggled with the question of how much do i share?...how much should i share??...now i feel like fuck it!..i will share whatever i want to...take the risk...offer myself as i am...take it or leave it...here i am...well...tentatively..slowly...one step of my pointed studded boots at a time!

and yet...this last few years has seen my practices deepen...my intimacy with my own body, its stories, its hurt, its joys...the power of movement...the deep shamanic wisdom of the creative arts...its shifting me...rearranging me...and the little veil is beginning to crack...little cracks...yet, as leonard cohen would say, 'the cracks are where the light gets in'...

as i engage more intimately with my sweet n tender self...i feel the threads between myself n the world tighten..as the journey towards deepening intimacy with the world continues, my 'what do i want' no longer makes sense...

'what do i want?'...right now..in this new n fragile place..i do not know... maybe i dont need to know...maybe as this new awareness grows all will become clear...

signing out...wishing you sweet dreams

thank you for 'seeing into me' x

willing and able...

ferris bueller

a little bit of prince on the stereo to inspire this lil lady...in fact its been quite an evening of nostalgic tunes, from the aforementioned pint size member of royalty, to the man eating (well who knows??!!) fine young cannibals!...so a jolt back to my youth....so, what can i recall?...

well, apart from the cringe inducing obligation of surviving body changes, sexual exploration, very bad hairstyles (dodgy perm anyone??), house parties, acid house, and the memories of feeling like the 30 odd year olds in the clubs we fakingly found our way in to were sooo old!!, there was also a sense of so much time ahead...yep..in the dawning of adulthood (ugh..such a 'responsible' word) there is oodles of time to work out what we want..no rush...relax..chill out...there is also a sense of optimistic hopefulness...now..i dont remember that part per se but i see it all the time on the fresh faces of the billions of students that arrive to spend the next 3 years or so living the vida loca in manchester finest walls of academia (or rather, pubs, bars n clubs...bless em!)

along with 'hope' arrives its cousin 'faith' (and no, am not going to add 'charity' or else this will simply be a list of cher's childrens names!)...so..faith..hello there...how ya doing?...what do you have to say for your self young lady???....known as shraddha in hindu philosophy this is not really about godly faith but instead shraddha means something closer to 'trust' or 'conviction'...it can also mean confidence or trust in oneself and one's practice...

so we find ourselves back sat with our little friend 'trust' again...such a little word with such a huge potential...so...how does shraddha affect us as we 'grow up'?..well i have been thinking about the difference between 'will' and 'willing'...the first word implies a force, a direct intention, a use of ones own willpower and ego self to move towards something...sometimes when using my 'will' i find myself like a pushing n a shoving to get whatever it is i am focusing on..often i kinda abuse my will and not suprisingly can find myself worn out..yet the second word, 'willing' has a softer quality, a gentleness, an openness to life thats not all about us having to do the work...it is a quality imbued with shraddha, with trust, with a sweet surrender that maybe, just maybe, the desire our heart reaches out for may bear its juicy fruits!...all we have to do is say 'yes' and in the quiet softness we may hear our inner guidance supporting us and holding our hand as we step mindfully into the path we are choosing!

i am choosing 'willingness' as my new partner to dance the steps of life's challenges with...will you join me?..or should i say..are you willing?

so soften up folks, relax back, and in the words of that great 80's philosopher ferris bueller 'life moves pretty fast. if you dont stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!'

just for today...

just for today, i fell in love with...my inability to awaken before 11a.m,

just for today, i fell in love with...the wrinkles on the back of my hands, and the aching doubt across my shoulder blades,

just for today, i fell in love with...moving n shaping n flowing n curling from yoga moves to dance and back again,

just for today, i fell in love with...the grinning gaza enthused street bookseller and the 2 pound book on 19th century woodcarvings,

just for today, i fell in love with...the sheer impossibility of walking past a second hand clothing store, and the 3 unsuitably risque n slightly sparkly items of clothing that came home with me!,

just for today, i fell in love with...devouring a whole bag of pick n mix sweets, feeling the wiring whirl of their e numbered make up happily delighting my belly (lil white choc skulls are my favourites),

just for today, i fell in love with...reconnecting with an old dear friend, with talk littered with wonders of ninjas, pumpkin cake, gandhi, tightrope walking and art,

just for today, i fell in love with...learning that in past centurys there was a practice in china called 'ghost marriages', whereby a highly respectable business woman could marry the corpse of a highly respectable, but dead!, man, in order to free themselves from the burdens of a conventional married life!,

just for today, i fell in love with...edward cullen (sigh), again! (* i think i may be erotically attracted to the undead!),

just for today, i fell in love with...the simplicity n purity of a white candle, white flowers and red apple, welcoming in the company of angels,

just for today, i fell in love with...a hot bath filled with sea salts n rose petals, lighted candles, a juicy apple, n thoughts of snow white,

just for today, i fell in love with...the seeming impossibility of sleeping before 3 am, and so i got up n composed these musings,

just for today, i fell in love with...my self...simply..as.. i am

buenos noches dear folk xxx

autumn alchemy retreat

this weekend's theme is 'preparing to rest our bones'...a time to begin honouring the journey inwards, to gently hold what may be in the way for us to rest, to sigh deeply in surrender, and to allow the darkening months to replenish and nurture what we bring into its depths..this is a weekend of movement (yoga and dance), rest (meditation and relaxation), and play (art making, delicious food, and gorgeous company)..all held in the delightful countryside surroundings of our venue...

the retreat holds 9 of us in journey together over the weekend...booking is essential..all welcome

for more info, or to book your place, contact me at dragonflyyoga666@hotmail.com or on 07796 420465

'awake'

'shakti spirit rising'

'bird woman'

new art prints of these paintings now available from my etsy shop xxx

the raw material of life and art

'them bones need a tending to'

tuesday evening and as the police sirens, helicopters and a dissatified and disillusioned youth created their dance of chaos outside on the streets of the city, 4 folk gathered at 'home studio' for one of my twice monthly 'alchemy art salons'...

it seemed appropriate to ask 'do we want to be here?'...perhaps the desire to settle back into the comfort of our own abodes may have been calling...and yet all of us said 'yes!'...why?...a strong impulse not to run away in fear, to turn our backs helplessly, the consensus was that maybe, just maybe, we could do our bit to add some healing and love...to use the creative energy inherent in us to create a little bit of love for the city we live in... and so we did, offering out our evenings play as our response to the craziness surrounding us...

and we danced, and shook our bones..we breathed deeply allowing the full feeling to flood through our limbs.. and we painted where we were and what we felt...

last night i watched the beautiful and moving documentary 'breath made visible'...an inspiring film of the life of dancer and visionary anna halprin...one of the comments she made in response to a challenging event in her life really struck me:
' what you do have control over is how you cope with what happens...art is one way...its not the only way...but its my way...'

here here sister! it doesnt matter what your 'art' is...for anna her art was her dance...its all about using what we have to create..it doesnt have to be 'perfect' or 'professional'...its simply making something out of the raw material of life...so grab your guitar, put on your tap shoes, choose your favourite writing tool..and let it flow, freely, with passion, and with curiousity, and see what your soul can offer in service to not only your life and heart, but that of the world around you...

make art of your life...and life of your art xxx

come to the edge...

''come to the edge he said.
they said: we are afraid.
come to the edge he said.
they came.
he pushed them,
and they flew''

guillame apollinaire

now let me explain something here...i have been stood at the 'edge' many times in my life...and no, i am not referring to the magical scape of alderley edge park! (a very witchy sacred pagany spot in cheshire, greater manchester)..nor am i talking about engaging in conversation over a mean whisky with the other one from U2!!....i mean the 'EDGE', that place where familiarity stops and the vastness of the unknown looms large and, well, unfamiliar before you...

at this point i have noticed i gave myself 2 options, both of which i have to admit with a certain amount of misplaced pride, to having explored many many times before: to run back down the hill (or whatever, metaphorically wordlike one would use to describe the land most trodden on and ever so slightly tired of), or to grab on to something, someone, til my fingers have turned white, eyes squeezed so tightly shut that not even a tear could breathe, and hope to god that this 'other' has more idea than i have about this, quite frankly, terrifying terrain!!

neither option works

bah!!

this week i learnt dear ones, that actually there does happen to be another way...a third option...one that requires, me thinks, just the right amount of pink fluffy cojones energy!...tho if you are a boy then make that blue..he he..perhaps blue balls doesnt necessarily have the same connotation!..but the feathers are important...never mind what colour your, ahem, balls are!!

what if you knew, nay, not knew, but trusted, just a little, just enough, that if you jumped that you would be supported? what if you could, in the midst of the confusion, the doubts, all the excuses why not, find a moment to offer yourself up, in that place, with all of your beating heart, your sweat, your will? what if, without having to know what was there, you just did it...just jumped!..or stepped!...or hopped!...whatever mode of transport feels the way for you to step out into that space...

along with a tribe of treasured beings, i did just that, and you know what?...i didnt die...and amazingly, superbly and wondrously...in that moment, held by the hand and grace of god, i flew...and my goodness, i wondered afterwards, maybe, just maybe, i could do that again!!!

oodles of creativity

photos of lovely beings getting crafty and creative over the last few weekends...the 'tending the fire within', yoga and creative expression retreat, in yorkshire.... and the first 'alchemy art play day: making dream boxes'...wonderful, inspiring and joyful!

when i grow up im gonna be....

star

there is a star out there..yes out there in the darkest, blackness of the infinite night sky...that if you look with a certain manner, and gaze with your heart wide wide open, will shine so so brightly for you, on you, with you...that your breath will gasp in bedazzled wonderment...this is your star..its always been there..ever since you were born..shining out at you wherever you have strayed..a beloved friend..a shining light.. a guide...

when we are little we are asked so often..'so, what do you want to be when you grow up?'..maybe we know, strongly insistent on becoming a ballerina, a vet, an astronaut...maybe we are lucky and thats what we become..that conviction of who we are and what we want to offer the world remaining fed and nurtured by ourselves, and others around us...yet maybe we forget, or are told we cannot, or should not, or some other means of dampening the magic from our soul...and then we grow up and something is missing, or theres always an inkling, that you cant quite put your finger on..too many other voices in your head now...

but what if we do know, really know, deep down within every cell of our being, who we are, what we are here to give, in our own unique dance, as an offering of our spirit to the world?...what if we have a sense that we are something more than perhaps we have been feeling or living but we do not know what that might be?...how do we find that part of us again?...

well..we can find that lil star...search for it...bask in its glow, its haven, its light...and how do we do this?..by focusing our attention on it, not on the thoughts or stories that tell their tales over and over like a loudcrier condemned..no...shift your focus..yeah just a lil to the right..thats it.. up a bit..ahh! there you go..theres the star..quiet and still and full of wonder and wisdom to make every one of your bones swell and your eyes to shine so so bright as you recall your souls dreams, waiting to be borne as spirits dance, through your beauty...

am pretty certain that the lil acorn has no idea that its star that shines down on it knows it is to become the magnificence of the oak tree...thats just what its gonna be when it grows up!

shine lil one...thats why you are here...

down the rabbit hole

firebird woman

midsummer nearly rises to its peak once again (tho astonishingly someone forgot to tell the weather control person!!) and with the earths fire crackling and dancing i find myself echoing this deep rooted desire to burn baby burn!

now i dont mean necessarily on the disco dancefloor, tho i do have the best new shoes for the job ;-)...its just this lil itch that has been rising up my spine for ever such a while now... its an itch aflame that no doctors potion could douse.. and why the hell would i wanna put it out anyhow?!

last week i arrived back from retreat time in beautiful andalucia with my beloved teacher and dear journeying sisters still vibrating their wisdom, joy and support deep in my bones and heart...words cannot do justice to the medicine my soul receives from this work..it simply lays itself out in deepest gratitude and humility to the wonder of it all...and yet, once returning to the delights of manchester city centre (did i really say 'delights'??!) i have been feeling the integration process such a struggle...

its like i have just taken a trip down the rabbit hole as our friend alice once did, or ventured deep into the back of the wardrobe to find a new land a la narnia..the kind of doorways that once opened are hard to really dismiss and simply return to seeing the world in quite the same way once more...perception has shifted..new vision has been granted.. and magic has begun to seep its potion into our soul...

and this landing can be bumpy, tricky and confusing...'who am i?',' where am i?',' what happens now?' and, my kinda mantra this week: 'what the fuck??!!!'

to codify the words that have been playing like some existential play to an audience of one not so highly amused lil chica would probably need for me to be writing til dawn and probably losing, not just the few readers who have taken an interest in my blog (thanking you kindly ;-)), but also my mind as well.. and as i am starting to reign in the reins of chaos that have been allowed to run amok for the last week, i will not endeavour to reopen that particular chain of thought...but i will note tho, that i realise more and more how surrender and trust, with a sprinkling of patience, and a healthy dose of 'beshet' (a wonderful yiddish word i cant stop using right now...kinda translates as 'this is just how it is!'..tho has to be accompanied with a kinda jewish shrug and hand gesture that must be a gift to us of jewish blood!!) is all i need right now as i settle back into my life...i am opening in some ways to the unknown.. and the crazy thing is...i think this unknown, tho filling this lil control freak with something really to freak about, is the sweetness of a soul filled authentic life!

the image i have posted above is the result of my practice a few days ago..feeling like some kinda deranged gal, offering up myself as a prayer to that which is bigger than me, i danced and softened and opened and felt myself like a newly hatched baby bird.. all wings aflapping..yet with a firey edge.. a bit like a phoenix one might suggest.. and yet a firey phoenix energised winged creature not yet trusting letting go into flight...nearly, and yet not yet...and as i created like a dervish for the next few hours my firebird woman, i ponder the question...as i stand at this edge...'how the hell do i let go into flight??'...

to be continued...

magic and nourishment in yorkshire!

our fire altar

beautiful stream that flows in the garden

we practice yoga here when the weather is kind!

nourishment for our bellies :-)

there is a special space out in the midst of the yorkshire countryside...twice a year i gather there together with a sprinkling of beautiful women for a weekend of soul nurturance, wisdom seeking, body movement, and heart sharing, with laughter, tears, friendship and trust supporting the alchemy of our time together...the practices we unfold for each of our journey's being yoga, dance, meditation, art-making, journaling, tantric dyads and ritual

this summer we come together shortly after the summer solstice..the weekend of fri 8th july to sun 10th july...the theme of our time together is 'tending the fire within'...our inner fire is connected energetically to our solar plexus and the whole belly area.. when we hold our bellies, either in fear, tension, incorrect posture, tight clothing, or, most commonly, not letting the breath reach deep down into our centre, we limit and dampen our own internal fire

so what does this fire do? well on one hand this is the transforming power that helps our digestive system to change the foods we consume into fuel for energy...yet it is so much more...our fire is our inner power...that which 'fuels' our ability to live with the correct drive to put into action the steps needed to make our dreams manifest into real life...it is the connection to the source which feeds us.. think about it... in the womb we were fed through our navel by the 'great mother' who gave us life...just because we are no longer physically attached to our own mothers, doesnt mean that we dont receive nourishment and feeding from the 'GREAT mother' that sustains and supports us...blockages to our centre literally and energetically blocks this sustenance!

we will explore this theme deeper over the weekend and ease gently back into connection and freedom of our bellys power and wisdom

no experience necessary.. all welcome.. please contact me if you would like to know more

blessings and sparks of beauty and grace xxx

clearing, cleaning and general OCD behaviour!!

the last few days have seen me in a frenzy of neurotic activity without the need to leave the beloved comfort of my beautiful home...no, i havent suddenly won the lottery and thus turned to the delights of the online world of shopping!..i decided to curiously undertake this feng shui 'giveaway' practice... consisting of giving away or throwing away 27 items over 9 consecutive days - i.e. a grand and preposterous total of 243 things!!!

Everything we own carries an energy with it. As we let go of old energies, it clears the space for us to open to greater new energy... so by throwing out that old make-up i still had from my student days, i am assisting the universe in granting the space available for, erm, new makeup to appear!!? ...well, not exactly...as i am merrily chucking out willy nilly i am also asking the one above for what i would like to manifest more deeply in my life!

so far, i have freed myself from the unneccesary burden of musty old paperwork lurking in folders of varying colours, that i have acquired over the last 10 years...notebooks from my earliest forays into yoga teaching with pages upon pages of lesson plans have found there way to the recycling bin...i am now the proud owner of 6 empty ringbinders!! damn them....anyone need one, or two....?

this clearing out has been easier than i first thought, though an unexpected side effect seems to have occurred...i have spent all of today blitzing the kitchen: floor mopped; behind the oven scrubbed; the cupboard under the sink decluttered and its contents downsized!!...now dont get me wrong...i do have friends... honest!...as it happens one drink with some gorgeous girl friends last night turned into a 3:30 in the morning spin on a dancefloor of some random club!!..so not only have i been frantically cleaning like a woman possessed..but with a hangover too!..hardcore me ;-)

so..tomorrow is day 6...i am eyeing up my old make up bag, and the drawer of greying 'nobodys gonna see them anyways' knickers...ooh..cant wait!

if your appetite has been whetted and your marigolds are itching to adorn your hands, here's what you do...enjoy!

1. Each day for nine days in a row give away or throw away 27 items. Notice what you're hanging on to, not because you love it, but because you're afraid to let it go.

2. Stand in your closet and touch or try on every piece of clothing. Ask yourself whether you want to carry that into your life ahead. If not, give it away or throw it away.

3. Clear out old books that don't have messages that speak to you anymore, vitamins or medicines you no longer need, kitchen items that are cracked or worn-out. (Or how about those half-used shampoo bottles from four years ago?)

4. Fix items that are broken (or get rid of them). Clean items that are dirty. Put your loving attention on everything in your environment to see whether it represents who you are now.

Then notice what happens in your life -- and watch for miracles. As you let go of things that carry old energy, you also strengthen your ability to let go of old ideas of feelings that no longer serve you. Then, you're freer to create a magnificent future.

nonsense

nonsense....utter nonsense....for some reason this word has been fascinating me this last week...i think its because for some unfathomable reason i have been feeling in a real 'no nonsense' mood...a rather bemusing place to find oneself and indeed rather alien to this lady who usually takes great delight in a nonsensical rambling or two!...but no, that was replaced by a general feeling that nothing but the absolute truth was to be said, acted upon and declared by one and all!! good god! thought my friends (well i am assuming there might have been some murmerings of this ilk), as i launched into very matter of fact and direct remarks on this that and the other!...scary stuff!!

this state of extreme curiousness has now passed, timed with the arrival of my monthly bleeding, but the idea of no nonsense remains with me...what does it mean? is there a place for nonsense in our lives? and, what might possibly be the opposite??

nonsense seems to suggest that nothing makes any, well, sense....that what we are perceiving doesnt fit into any recognisable box, and that our lil minds strain to find a label of understanding and knowing to attach to whatever it was that has triggered this peturbance!

we take in the world through our senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing, seeing and feeling..some of us have a strong higher and deeper felt sense, yet it is something we all have and this can be cultivated thro awareness and bodywork i believe....then our mind takes over and through a process of sorting and discriminating, we have our sense of the world and that which we are experiencing..phew! we know where we are and whats going on!..or do we really?!

our discriminatory mind judges and acts upon our past impressions and experiences, conjuring up imagined fears and desires, connected with sensing and receiving information that may trigger off distasteful or challenging memories...so we judge.. this is good, this is bad..this is right, this is wrong..this is ok, this is not ok.. and so on...and in less than a blink of an eye we have our own unique impression and sense of the world sorted!...yet this is not the truth...isnt it such a headfuck to realise that each one of us senses and perceives the world so differently??!! enough to drive one crazy!

so...maybe nonsense is a good thing.. a refreshing change whereby the order and control of our mind gets a little more challnege then it would comfortably like...surrendering into and indeed welcoming and enjoying a little nonsense in your life may be very helpful indeed..if only to befuddle our already befuddled minds a little more!!

apart from last week tho!!

so..a little nonsense for you..enjoy...

Jabberwocky by lewis carroll

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

beltane magic

fireworks...mixed media

the rolling stones song 'play with fire' on my stereo as i write these words...the sun blazing its powerful rays down upon us...welcome to summer!

beltane's magic over the last few days saw me and my darling sister take to the park and finding a secluded place near the lake and honouring the presence of all the elements supporting us, we held a little ritual to this potent time of the year...asking for the sun to energise and relight our heart intentions for ourselves, our family and friends and for the earth.

traditionally, beltane rituals have included jumping over the fire holding our prayers as an offering into the fire, to be transformed into winged manifestations...in fact, any time we feed our intentions and wishes, we strengthen their power to take form, but this is particularly strong right now.

this got me thinking about our inner fire, that which fuels us out into the world, and fuels our spirit to express itself in its highest possible potential...yogis call this inner fire 'tapas', a burning zeal and determination, focus, heat, radiance and devotion to a wave of energy bigger than ones fears, doubts and confusion...mentioned as far back as the vedas, and through texts such as the yoga sutras, and hatha yoga pradipika, tapas is seen as an imperative part of the yogic path...

taken to an extreme tapas can be an austerity, a way to travel far beyond the limits of the ego mind, given example in the way a sadhu might keep his arm raised to the sky for a number of years! this is meant to ignite the rich alchemy in which the body becomes the cauldron for cultivating siddhis, or extraordinary powers...

we do not have to go this far, remember the middle path of balance is often a preferable and kinder way of living (well i certainly think so anyways!)...tapas might be the focus and discilpine needed to continue patiently learning to play the guitar...for me, this is the part that, even when feeling slothful (eek!), makes me find my mat, start my practice, find a canvas, dip my brush and create a mark..in fact it is like the striking of a match...the first spark that has the potential to become a flaming roaring fire!

patanjali mentions tapas as one of the niyamas, the 5 practices for devotion to oneself, as part of the 8 limbs of yoga...it is also part of the trio of practices which makes up kriya yoga: tapas, svadyaya (self study), and isvara pranidhara (surrendering to the divine)...in fact these are so important as we need to understand why we want to commit in discipline to whatever we are choosing..do we have the right reasons? is it for our ultimate highest good? or are there other less helpful reasons i.e. needing to prove oneself, or because 'i should' do this...check with your heart, that will help!..also to be able to surrender the fruits of our practice, not getting caught up in the results, though bloody difficult, makes the path flow easier and reminds us of the divine that we are in essence expressing through our determination

so, for me, reflecting on what i will use the gifts of tapas for, reminds me of my commitment to any practice that connects me to the divine: yoga, meditation, painting, writing, dancing...all of these make me feel alive and brings me closer to living in joy..even when i struggle, i will use the spark of tapas to refuel my fire..that which shines within!

love

theres no escaping what has captured the attention of so much of the western world this weekend so i am not gonna mention it! however it has made me reflect upon that timeless and ridiculously complex notion and state we call 'love'.

what is it? how do we know when we feel it? and are there different types of love? sometimes it seems there should be different words for its flavour, just like the inuits have so many words for snow!

there is a path called bhakti yoga, a practice not so familiar to the throngs of yoga devotees throughout the world, but to some it is their practice. it is the yoga of devotion...usually through chanting, pujas or offering rituals, deity practices... eek i hear you say. devotion? blimey!!

we do not find it easy being with the word devotion. it conjures up images of prostrating monks, or of having to cast away the effects of ones life for another, supposedly realised being, or maybe it makes us think of jesus freaks (no offence to you if you are a jesus devotee and have happened to have stumbled upon these pages!)

swami sivananda defines bhakti yoga as: '..intense devotion and supreme attachment to god..it is pure unselfish divine love...it is love for love's sake..'
for many of us the idea of this kind of way of being seems to require of us a giving up of control, of the power in one's life...almost a blind faith to offer ourselves to something or somebody else.. this can make us twitchy!

yet on the other hand, when we can find a way to offer our self up to something higher, whether we call that god, goddess, divine, jesus, allah, gaia..etc....it is actually a remembrance that there is a greater force underlying all that we are...that we dont have to do it all ourselves... that there is a larger support for us if only our lil controlling ego could just gently step aside and allow this greater mystery to be felt instead.

for me i constantly struggle with this practice, and yet the times when i have been going through difficult or painful emotions, and decided to offer up how i am feeling with my heart open to something higher, i have immediately felt lighter, held, supported and in a new softer and trusting place.

how does this relate to love at large? well, i am no expert in this field of romantic love (ahem!), but maybe we could learn something about bhakti practice in our relationships...when we keep our hearts open, soften and realise that underneath our diferences, and each others flaws as a human bean, there is this presence of 'god/dess'..can we see and honor that in each other, and more importantly, can we see and honor that in ourselves?...

as john lennon correctly pointed out:
'all we need is love'
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balance

geometric mandalas

order and chaos, structure and flow, rigidity and fluidity...the yin and yang of the universe is offered to us with every breath in and out...from the dawning of night into day, and the dusking of light into dark we are constantly reminded of the balance of life.

here are 2 mandalas i painted a few years back when i was really fascinated by sacred geometry and the inate patterns of the universe...the top image is called 'sunwheel' and the bottom image is 'flower'...they are both available now in my etsy shop as prints.

yorkshire summer retreat

expectation

what is it about expectation that can cause a rut in the smooth road that we glide joyfully along?
i have been watching this aspect within myself for ever such a long time now, and just when i feel i have risen above the stumbling block of desiring how it should be, i fall once again, clinging fingernails deep into some kind of idea of 'this is what it should look like! this is how it should be!'
lately so much has been shifting and turning in my world. so much change, which i believe is apparent for all of us at such an auspicious time in our planetary evolution. and miraculously (for this lil control freak!), i have simply been sitting back watching all unfold, breathing my way through, a bemused and curious witness to the wonders of life.
i realised recently that all the changes that are happening are ones i have asked for, yet, and this is the clincher(!), they are not in the form i expected them to be in!! no, the essence of my desires and intention is there, but in such a different, and quite honestly, rather impressively refreshing form. who knew!
and yet this week i fell once again into the painful place of wanting it to be a certain way, banging my head (so to speak, as literally doing so would only cause a rather sore head me thinks) against the way it is! so once again i have stepped back, taken a breath, and smiled at the futility of believing i know better. and you know what? instantly i feel better, more relaxed, letting go into the mystery of my life unfolding exactly as its meant to be!