a drop in the ocean

a drop in the ocean...one small step...you gotta start somewhere...so many phrases apply to that first tiny action that will propel us outta the stratosphere!..right?...erm... well maybe...

effort and surrender...the keys to the dance and rhythm of life...a vital part of how to play the game, to surf the yin and yang of all that arises for us at every moment...yet how do we know when to let go and surrender, and when to buck up and put a little more energy in?!..how much is our responsibility and when does dear old ego get a lil in the way??!

this puzzling dynamic of effort and surrender has been a constant questioning for many years for me...if i put too much effort into the pot, then am i pushing against the flow too hard, using my will to force life to roll my way?...eventually exhausting myself and having to spin a thousand plates in a constant one eye open kinda way!!...i have done this, many times, imposing over to get 'there'...and surrender has, quite frankly, scared the hell outta me...why?...because to be honest, for many years surrender has been associated in my mind with collapse..i have been scared that if i do let go of the reins, that old control keeping the engine roaring, then theres no way to go but down..down to the ground with a not so elegant crash!! (and can you seriously imagine the sound of all that crockery breaking..one shudders at the thought!!)

dramatic? maybe..but truthful too...interestingly though, another word for 'collapse' is to 'yield', and that my lovelies, i feel is part of the secret to surrendering...what does to yield mean?..according to my online thesaurus, ooh get me! ;-), this implies the wondrous ability to 'bow to', 'to give oneself over to', to relax, to relenquish, and, aha!, to 'go with the flow'..bingo!

how do we apply this to life though? what does it all mean??
well firstly, we really do need to be present, to be at home, to be living in our body...we need to have a container to live and experience our life in, to hold and support the rollercoaster of the journey..indeed, it is well known that before undertaking a strong pranayama practice (extending and retaining our life force via the breath) it is recommended that our body be fired like a clay pot, or else we are in trouble! we wont be able to contain the strength and potency of our vitality, our spirit...

so, as i call it, lets start by 'showing up'...thats a given!..what next?...well next we wanna direct our energy, to our dreams, our job, our tasks, our relationships, basically to any part of our life...to take action we need to have an intention and give our attention to that which we face towards..however, its not enough...we cant then just sit down, make a brew or grab a port and give ourselves a pat on the back...no my friends, something else is needed here...and that is..commitment...ah yes...our engagement, responsibility, and essentially our pledge to give effort to that particular step

now heres the alchemy part, that final ingredient that links effort and surrender together....we stay present..to every moment, every breath, to each impulse that pulses and makes our heart sing, and at the same time, we follow and give attention and dedicated effort to our actions...moving back and forth between listening and work, between being and doing....between letting go into the knowing that holds all, and the willingness to create with every part of us alive and awake...thats the way to dance our life...not easy, and not always possible...but a great blueprint my friends!

so that one lil step, that one small drop in the ocean, if done mindfully, with awareness and engagement, will open up a whole new landscape for us to relax into and, in that moment, we can pause, offer gratitude, and wait for that next lil whisper of knowing, before taking that just one more step into life..lets not miss a moment folks xxx

the dance of resistance

why do we practice yoga? or meditation? i have been reflecting on my own commitment to these and other practices that i have in my life. i have been thinking about what it is that i receive from taking the time to offer my intention and time to getting on my mat. why is it that this sometimes becomes a lil dance of struggle? (gulp! am admitting that yes, even this yoga teacher of many years, sometimes finds herself amidst a huge drama of resistance to simply starting). a friend of mine said something yesterday that really hit home i thought, that commiting to our practice (or whatever it might be that feeds our soul), is really about turning up for yourself. how true is that! i mean noone else is gonna be able to give us exactly what we find when we make that connection, experience that journeying inwards, take that breath, and feel the space within us. noone else can do that for us, whilst we put our feet up, and have a cup of tea! we have to turn up in order to begin. thats the first step folks!

now thats really inspiring and incredibly true, yet, why is it that when it becomes time to practice, suddenly the intense desire to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor seems to flood over me?! dont get me wrong, i hardly ever have that kind of enthusiasm for lifes lil domestic tasks usually so i am always appreciative of my efforts, yet why the resistance? why is it difficult to 'turn up for me'? this is actually quite a painful realisation. that i hesitate to 'do this for me'. do i not love myself? do i not feel worthy of this?? am i simply a lazy slob??? no, whilst there may be elements of these suggestions, i feel that its a matter of discipline and commitment, of actually taking the first step, and simply, starting!

yes, quite radical really isnt it?! simply start! take the first breath, lie on the mat, stand in mountain and close your eyes, sit and place your hand on your heart and feel...it doesnt matter how you start, just begin. because i tell you what, once i begin, whatever the practice, whether it be yoga or source painting, i cant stop! yes truly. i dont want to stop once i have begun. i always get amazed at why i had to reorganize my wardrobe before my practice today! and desire to keep moving my energy ALWAYS happens! remarkable isnt it!

do you know why i feel like i just want to carry on stretching and breathing, or sinking into my bones, or stroking the paint onto the paper? because it feels so deeply delicious. it feels right. i feel alive, even if what i connect to is uncomfortable or painful. i feel like i am home. blimey! after all that struggle it feels like a cool glass of water on a hot day and that feels mighty fine indeed!

commitment

'Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.'

Goethe