40daysbefore40 day 37: poemed prayer to 40

 

 

a prayer

 

a prayer for the quest of my 40th decade

 

my fellowship granted upon request

seeking...seeking

 

i ask for my heart to stretch back its petals

to display its underbelly all raw 

exposed

caught in the sun's gunfire

shot by the arrows, not only of cupid

but of time taken trembling into bones

bones filled to the marrow with life

a heart that tore its tears from the tree of hurt

and shaped them, origami style

into tears of sweet ness

of ripened red fig seeds

of toffee sticky plump medjool dates

tears that taste of the sweet sweet sweetness of beauty

of the beauty of an opened soul

stretched back, bare, and bearing it all

to all

 

i ask for the call to adventure, bundle on stick

all fool hardy, ready to jump over the

edge

the edge and beyond

away from the sure shore

anchor awaiting instruction to drop

drop drop deeper into sands new

i ask for the ocean

not to hold in my hand of course

but to lap at my feet

as i lap up the call to listen

to the wisdom, the soft feminine wisdom

of surrender to its siren call 

i ask to follow where my heart points the way

tho others crowd together pointing behind me

i walk among them, through them, touching them

with my fate

as i walk my way, my way, my hearts sway

to land of '?'

to the great unknown

i walk to you

lil step by lil step

taking the only footprints that i can surely call my own 

 

i ask to let go, let it go, let it go

loss washes through me

cleansing and emptying the heavy load

loss lightens me as i lemon squeeze it out

of classes, of students

of a retreat centre where magic happens and the land smiles back

of a nine year courtship of the busy ness of business

of a home and hearth 

of a cocoon done coating me with confines of my imagination

alchemy shifting into some thing anew

'yes' i say

'yes'

i am ready 

i ask for

tribal pulse beat beating to dancing feet

airs and graces, costume and laces

arias and operas

soil squelchin 

soul quenching

the colours of the moon to weave her a tapestry to wear

and the waves of breath to hold it all

i ask for my lover

all arms and sweat

eyes seeing

heart knowing

building his way, our way

on a one way road to forever

i ask for brave heart

for dare to deal

for chance taking and making

the most of time's dialling

as fiercely i pull off the petals

of seeking from another

of what if? and how?

of fears stagnant waters

and of alice potions turning me small

i ask for my voice

clear belly centred

ringing echo of truths

my truths

out into the butterfly winged flutter of it all

i ask for it all

and i ask for nothing

i look upon in serious browed contemplation

and i throw my head back, mouth opened in peals of laughters mirth

i nod and shake my skull

and wonder why i need to know

i offer myself to you

arms akimbo to an angel

i am yours

do with me that you will

only leave me a dram to toast at midnight

i ask

and i am ready

amen

 

40daysbefore40 day 34: prayer, ritual of descansos, and letting go

 descansos...symbols that mark a death

am sure you may have seen, on the side of roads, here or in foreign lands, a marking point, perhaps heavily decorated with flowers, photographs, or gold, or as a simple gesture, a plain white cross, or a name painted on a rock...these mark that at that exact point a transformation had occurred, a loss, that a journey has been halted

'descansos' means 'resting places', and usually they are concerning the final resting place, the death, of a loved one...and yet, their potent symbolism can be used to mark the small deaths, 'las muertes chicitas', and the big deaths, 'las muertes granditas' that have been experienced up til this point of our journey through life

i have became fascinated by these beautiful powerful forms, and all that they represent...today, in fact, back in 1945, was the day that auschwitz was liberated by soviet troops, known all over the world as 'international holocaust remebrance day'...it seems quite a strange echo of synchronicity that i unknowingly had woken up this morning with the idea to create my own memorial pointer...not to honor those that died in unfathomable acts of inhuman suffering (and im sure that my family will have been affected somehow), but to honor those dreams, hopes, seeds, and paths never allowed to blossom...i guess in some way, the healing and releasing which i held as prayer, will also ripple down into the echoes of my ancestral line...blessings for my loved ones and for all those that were changed forever more from that horrific time in history

within this ritual, and that is how the last few hours have been held in, the arms of ritual and intention, i was starting to say goodbye, to hold and feel, to let go with an offering, to shed tears for, and to free as much as i was aware of, all that had been lost over the last decade

clarissa pinkola estes, jungian psychologist and author of the wondrous dipping into the female psyche known as 'women who run with the wolves', has this to say about the need for, if you like, emptying what needs to empty, before stepping further on one's path:

''there is a time in our lives, usually mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision, about whether to be bitter or not...women often come to this in their late 30's or early 40's...it may be the last straw!...their dreams of their 20's may be lying in a crumple. there may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises...if a woman will return to the instinctual nature instead of sinking into bitterness,she will be revivified, reborn...return to wild woman...to play...to grow. but first, there has to be a cleansing''

 now bitterness may seem like a harsh word, but perhaps the old hurts never felt, grievances still held on to, endings with lovers unclear...perhaps all of this builds up within us, creating a poison that runs through our subtle being, turning the fruit of our actions, thoughts and words, into the strange taste of bitterness...what is not cleared, or let go of at the time, for whatever reason, has a habit of hiding away within us, sneakingly putting a metaphorical spanner in the smoothly operated works of our life

so i sat, and i called in as much as was ready, all that felt unfinshed, all that had been lost and never wept for, and all the ways i had hurt others and my own precious self...i grieved for, and said goodbye to, with heart and love, songs that had never been sung; wailing that had been denied its cry; all the words that my mouth had never spoken...i cut ties with ex lovers, some of the feelings still present surprised me!...i held more, ahem, mature, endings with those that had never been honored...i said farewell to the old beliefs that had held me in fear, around being supported, allowing love in, of being enough...i said sorry to my body, for abandoning it when cut open for a hernia operation a few years back...and i asked it for forgiveness for only just beginning a friendship with it, after so many years of living, seemingly, estranged...i wept for the sorrow that my womb holds, for not creating life here, for growing a child, and for never giving birth (something i had and still have, a fascination, bordering on awe, about)...and i let go of keeping my feminine power at bay, of not trusting the soft strength that a woman holds as her light

there will be other feelings, stories that my body holds, aches from my heart and words from my mind, and callings from my soul, that i will continue to offer, at the feet of this descansos, as the week unfolds (and lets face it, i will never be empty, never fully cleansed, my body never perfect, my soul incomplete...its all part of the journey called life, and thats fine by me :-)  )

but to face those place that were too tender, too denied for far too long, feels a warrioress step to take...and i take it graciously, for my self, my parents, my ancestors and for the bloodline that runs through me

aho

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 20: courage, prayer and the meaning of 40

who did you pray to before you knew of the existence of god?

i read that once and it stayed with me

prayer

i had to pray today...but lets rewind a little shall we?

you see, writing about the 'pause' between the breath and my evening last night of dropping into that space that i touched with my gentle and kind attention, of 'getting off the train', and simply standing to view or perhaps re-view my surroundings, i dropped in...down and in

it was time, halfway through this project and i needed to see where was i? and how the hell did i get here? i needed to go back, way back, and rest with my original intention for this practice...something had, and has shifted, and as is so often imperative, i had to check that i hadnt got lost...and folks, perhaps, quite truthfully, i had...just a little x

you may be wondering why i started this at all? no? oh well you have my full permission to slip this bit, i wont know, and if i did i wouldnt tell ;-)

here's what set this fire ball in motion...i started to research courage...to read and explore, via the wonder of the t'internet what it means to dare, to take risks...i found great quotes and inspired articles and people living with these words as their guide...i used to be daring, you know, in the fact i could galavant around the globe, solo travelling to my hearts content, winding up in strange encounters and, a few times, slightly risque situations...i dared to follow my yearnings and take chances and seemingly had the guts to do so...however i had left something important behind, outta the negotiations and that something was me!...confused?..please let me explain...

i wasnt at home

no? need more??

i have lived most of my life far far from my body, far from inhabiting the most luscious landscape, far from experiencing this crazy map of my whole goddamn life!...its easier to do crazy shit when noones home..i mean, who cares?..what ya got to lose??...i had even spent almost a decade teaching yoga without actually embodying the basics myself first!...i hope you will forgive me dear friends xx

its only in the last few years that i have come home, that i feel the solid sensual aliveness of what its like to be sitting in the centre of myself, not flying around out there somewhere, or weighed down, cant see the woods for the trees heaviness...i am here (well most of the time) and that, dear ones, is the problem per se...i wish to have that courage, daring and risk taking nature, but to bring myself along too..its kinda important, and quite frankly, non negotiable!

but in doing so i bring my humanness, my vulnerable heart, my fears and tears and aches n pains, and my gut instincts, and bone wisdom...quite a heavy suitcase perhaps?! 

and for some reason, that whole desire to dare, seems that much more tricky, theres more to feel...and i guess, theres more to risk...hmmm..maybe just writing that is a step in the lil step program of dare :-)...you see part of the reason i skipped out the back door on my self along time ago is that i got hurt, really hurt, and though its not necessary to know the reasons why, that held hurt and disappointment, as painful as it was, is now more transparent for me...i see it..i feel it...and im just beginning to accept and soften to it, to love it and to give it the attention and acknowledgement that it never got before

i guess im scared that im gonna be hurt and disappointed again

who the hell isnt hey??

so..this is where i am in my practice called life, and in that toe dipping of taking one lil step at a time

so..researching all of this i was given a book...a beautiful book that inspired me even deeper..a book about rumi and his relationship to shams of tabriz...powerful, soulful, affirming and love...''40 rules of love'' by elif shafak..read it..its good :-)

and there were 2 things that started the spark...one was a quote that stayed with me all day and night:

''fret not where the path will lead. instead concentrate on the first step.this is often the hardest...''

the second?

a response by a character to a woman's lament at turning 40 years of age:

''forty is a most beautiful age for both men and women. did you know that in mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening? when we mourn we mourn for forty days. when a baby is born it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. and when we are in love we need to wait for forty days to be sure of our feelings.

the flood of noah lasted forty days, and while the waters destroyed life, they also washed all impurity away and enabled human beings to make a new, fresh start. in islamic mysticism there are forty degrees between man and god. likewise, there are four basic stages of consciousness and ten degrees in each, making forty levels in total. jesus went into the wilderness for forty days and nights. muhammed was forty years old when he received the call to become a prophet. buddha meditated under a linden tree for forty days. not to mention the forty rules of shams.

you receive a new mission at forty, a new lease on life! you have reached a most auspicious number. congratulations! and dont worry about getting old. there are no wrinkles or gray hair strong enough to defy the power of forty!''

beautiful no?

that night i awoke in the wee hours and the idea for ''40daysbefore40'' crystallized clear and ready in my mind :-)

this is my practice...my prayer...my call to the wilderness...my meditation

and so that was the intention

but i got lost..lost in feeling like i had to show something huge each day..to manifest amazing artwork and astounding insights!...to offer more and more of the extraordinary in order to...to...well...if am honest...to be seen, to be approved of, and to be loved...shit!!!

you know what i realised in this pause yesterday? that i had lost the point...this is about my relationship to life...whats possible when you turn up and wake up and step in and commit...its about the small things, and its about my hearts whispers and the ordinary of engaging in life with each breath

i also found today to be quite tender...in this pause i felt my truth again, beneath the doing and planning...in that place i felt my sadness at my heart, and the realisation that it doesnt matter how many projects i say yes to, how many pieces of art in any form i create and show, how many people are reading these words, or how much of this 'doing' i do!...you see, what i know now, and i have been gifted as a blessing from this practice, is that, it doesnt matter...it doesnt bloody matter!!..i dont need to seek outside of me, i dont need to be seen by you, and i dont need to earn your approval or love..none of this grasping is gonna truly touch me and feed me anyways...

i am sooo loved..soo deeply and utterly loved that i am blown away

and yet i see now that its simply about letting life in...letting you in...letting that love in to touch me at my very core...its one thing to write about staying in bed all day, hiding from life and feeling sad...its another to show up and go, hey life, hey you beautiful other being, here i am, and all that i am and offer in just my own naked self, is enough!!

time to drop the veil...the veil that has those cracks that let the light in, that is becomig thinner and thinner all the time...its time to let it go and let the world, and you my darling, in...

i prayed today..i crawled outta bed and went to that sunday church that works best for me...the direct hotline to you know who...i went to dance..to the class that holds the space...to dance and bring and offer all that i am and all that is real...i offered and prayed and sweated and fell back back back into my body...and goddamn it, that prayer felt goood!!

so..i dont know what this insight means to be honest

i am still going to turn up here every day (or night ;-) )...but im gonna put down all the huge stuff and props and bright lights, and im just gonna bring me...half way there...20 more days to reverberate and say adios to the decade of my 30's...this is my practice, my prayer and my journey...i thank you for accompanying me so far...sending a real, warm, and heartfelt hug to you out there :-)

night night xxx

40daysbefore40 day 16: feathers for fears xxx

''Opening to the world begins to benefit ourselves and others simultaneously. The more we relate with others, the more quickly we discover where we’re blocked. Seeing this is helpful, but it’s also painful. Sometimes we use it as ammunition against ourselves: we aren’t kind, we aren’t honest, we aren’t brave, and we might as well give up right now. But when we apply the instruction to be soft and nonjudgmental to whatever we see at this very moment, the embarrassing reflection in the mirror becomes our friend. We soften further and lighten up more, because we know it’s the only way we can continue to work with others and be of any benefit in the world. This is the beginning of growing up''

pema chodron     heart advice

aah..beautiful wise ms chodron...her words echoing far beneath the rippled surface of my mind today...a gift from the angels when her discourse blows a gentle breeze to the feathered realms of my thoughts

soften soften soften

i am a sensitive soul and when the winds of change come a charging and a huffin' n puffin' to blow your house down, i tend to get overwhelmed...i wobble and topple and feel as if the rug of perpetual ground is being tugged right from under my feet

i read once that the esteemed yoga teacher judith lasater, when filling in some form of non descript, was momentarily paused when faced with the question 'what is your permanent address?'...she hesitated a while longer lingering in the truth that, well, no where may we call our 'permanent' home

now, i feel that this year, for me, is a sloughing off, a continuation of the snake medicine, my friend and ally, helping me to shed the ole skin...and a new year realisation that as far as resisting this metamorphosis, i am helpless...i can kick n scream n cling by the edges of my fingernails, but resistance, my friends, is futile!

so here i am...my mantram of choice and my anchor in this choppy sea...and today i felt the rocking as another wave hit the deck and pulled me under its spell...changes..changes...those goddamn...paradoxically craved and opposed changes

nothing stays the same

everything changes

to be truthful, i am scared...underneath the waves of emotion that arises for me with the rockiness of change, is fear...aah hello friend...change means uncertainty...an unknown outcome...no knowing where the dots join up, or feeling safe colouring in inside the lines...the lines have moved...here today and gone tomorrow...sometimes i lie in bed late at night and a strong desire to throw all the pieces of my life up in the air arises...to crack it all up with a pick and a hammer, to break all the familiar into teeny tiny pieces...to stand, naked and alive awaiting the dawn with a myriad pieces of my safe life lying scattered in shards of colour all around me...god...sometimes i am tempted...tempted to reveal just a lil too much, to gamble the devils advocate card with my own life as prey...to tip over the edge too far to climb back...to destroy and implode until there is nothing left to identify

hmmm...tempting

you see i feel that all is falling away...yes i am teaching...yes i am running a retreat this spring...but its my last one for a while...i feel that i dont know quite where my alchemy business is going...i sense a loss to be honoured for nearly 9 years of wondrous bravery and willing students, of creative overflowing and laughter and sharing and goddamn warriors daring to be seen!!...i feel the tugging at my sleeve of something not yet formed, of collaberation, of creativity, of flows of ideas and new learning and travel, of a team and tea, of ventures of soul and brand new lands, of a great big '?'...

sounds good hey?

but this requires change...i sensed today, after receiving some news of loss, of change, of disappointment and of making mistakes, that the shaking ground that i find myself on when i open my eyes to life's uncertainties, is simply that...shaking ground...its ok to shake with it...its ok to wet my cheeks with apprehension and incomprehension...its ok to not know, to get lost, to fuck up, to make mistakes, and to say 'here i am' in whatever state it finds me...its ok to be rocked and rolled, shaken and stirred..and yet..the key?

the key is softness..the key lies in the beauty of the feather...the light touch that strokes the moment of your heart and tickles it slightly into submission...submitting its hardening...submitting the armour that protects from the shakes...submitting the 'i am ok' when perhaps you are not...submitting the unfeeling so that life can be felt..and in that feeling, in that moment, as feathers fall down, the softness of their touch reminding us to lighten, and be of service to the beauty of the world and each other

amen!!

p.s. dance helped me soften today..dance and prayer..prayer and dance..where the hell is the line between them anyways?!...and going to ground..giving her my fears, my tears and my bones to hold...as i softened and softened and let go into submission xxx

and with the flux of change that tests my trust, even tho thousands of times i have been tried and faith yielded the way, i panic, always i panic, panic into no breath, into no ground...and yet today diamonds twinkled in the pocket of life i call my own: of friends reaching out in contact for tea and chatter, of new souls with shining smiles and tales of music and magic, of a venue for my birthday jaunt, of daring to risk with a totally gorgeous man (all will be revealed ;-) ), of dancing and movement, of new classes and attentive students, of couscous and red peppers, of bed calling my name, of the amazement that its 16 days in and tho my god some eves i am called away i still turn up, and still offer what i am in that moment, of lessons learned from this practice, of chances and changes, of trust and the willingness to maybe, just maybe, i can let it all go, and of you, dear reader, for hearing my words...thank you..thank you for all of this...gratefully i kiss the earth and take this filled heart to bed...alone :-)

xxx 

the art of alchemy

 'tears to prayers'...print and cards available from my new etsy shop :-)

'alchemy' is one of my favourite words...like 'serendipity', 'ethereal' (which inspired my hardly ever heard guitar song about ethel real!!), and 'sumptuous', its a word that offers a whole world of whirlwind wonderings...a portal into a new layer of meaning.

traditionally alchemists were the magicians, wizards and witches of olde, their quests for turning one object into another, filled with ritual and scientific speculation, filled their days n nights with endless experimentation...the search for the elusive philosopher's stone the key anchor to their explorations...the philosopher's stone is a legendary substance said to be capable of turning base metals e.g. lead, into gold or silver...it was also sometimes believed to be an elixir of life, useful for rejuvenation and possibly for achieving immortality...for many centuries, it was the most sought-after goal in western alchemy...the philosopher's stone was the central symbol of the mystical terminology of alchemy, symbolizing perfection at its finest, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss. 

for me, the philosopher's stone is a metaphor for the potent potentiality contained within every living cell, of every living thing, be that vegetable, animal or mineral, or, that excruciatingly exquisite human creature that is you or me!

with the power of intention, the furnace of the heart, the key ingredients of authenticity, the feeling body and commitment to the process, each one of us can step into our own finely (or crudely, if that floats ya boat!) laboratory and perform, with a flourish if you prefer, a little bit of magic of our own :-)

each time we step on our mat...every moment we come to sit, open and delightfully human in meditation...with the conscious desire to embody our breath and bones on the dance floor in a dance as meditation practice...and by staying engaged and willing to follow the daimons direction as we put paint to paper, or mould clay by the gentle pulsing of our warm and alive hands...all of these practices, if the 'temperature' of that particular moment in time, and the 'key ingredients' artfully measured are in place, can connect us to the power of the alchemical process.

i had an experience of this only a few hours ago....after teaching my morning class, belly satiated and my fire fuelled with lunch, i came to my cushions to sit...simply sit...i knew i had to, you see, as lately i realise that as soon as i feel slightly 'odd', or 'not quite with it', to use some fine technical terms!, i know that i have somehow disconnected...you know, become unplugged from the source somehow, as if my wiring has gone a little askew...so, without a plan of action, i sat, breathed, and prayed...now, when i use the word 'prayer', i have to say, that its all very low key... in fact, my version of prayer, is simply, talking out loud!...there i said it...we all do it, talk to ourselves...some of us even take this private conversing out onto the streets...though they might be the kind of folk to avoid looking direct into their eyes, or on second glance, they might be talking into one of those fancy phone sets...in any case they look kinda strange!

something amazing happens when i talk out loud (or to give it its fancy name, pray!)...i hear my words, and as i hear them, and receive them, i connect with their resonance...what i mean by that, is that i can feel whether i am telling the truth about my experience, or am talking a load of baloney!!...my words touch me, with their energy and their simplicity..today, i talked about my yearnings at my heart...tears fell and as i softened into them, and offered up all i was feeling, the tenderness of my human self, something began to shift...my heart began to open, to feel expansive, and as a few more big tears emptied from the well within my heart space, and as i cleared out a little more space, i relaxed into a feeling of restfulness, of a sweet joy, and i felt a voice within repeating ''all is well''.

riding on this wave of expansion, i now sit, at a life filled coffee house, and write these words...i feel clearer, more settled, and most importantly, more alive!...something happened this afternoon, something that occurs quite frequently when i come to my practices, whether with enthusiasm and excitement, or having to pull my weary and resistant body and mind into beginning...this something? a little dose of alchemy :-)

so... i would like to offer you a little list of, what i see as, magical, alchemical moments in the life we live...enjoy!

''tears to prayers

runny egg to hardboiled

dancing, yoga, moving the body

pale skin to tanned in the sun

a walk in nature

an orgasm

scissors,glue gun, fabric and glitter

a warm hand on your back

blank canvas to a soul stirring painting

some strings, a wooden instrument and fingers

waltzers

ice to water to steam

the words 'i love you'

the words 'its over'

faces of loved ones

spanish sherry

saying 'yes'

saying 'no'

make up

egg sperm cell baby

zombies

day to night and back again

seeds, sun, water and love

a magic wand

ideas, inspiration, intention, n action 

a new choice

daring to risk

lycra

letting go

gorgeous food into fuel and shit

communicating from the heart

polaroid film

believing

love

xxx

 

perfect

i am having one of those brief but incredibly delicious moments of clarity...well i say brief but i seem to be resting in this spacious place for the last few hours!... all is well... all is perfect... all that is my reality and my life is a blessing, rich, beautiful, and joyous.... i dont know how long this will last, tho i know that unless i have gained enlightenment (unlikely tho would be great!) this moment too shall pass and once again the grasping, seeking, comparing, needing and all too human mind will come crashing back into the drivers seat bringing mayhem and mischievousness its way!

so i am enjoying the place i find myself this eve...hearing the sounds of the city...the tapping of my fingernails on the keys of my laptop.. the warmth of my fleecy pyjamas holding my fire, comforting me...the pillows behind me easing and supporting my back...my toes softly dancing with each other.... my breath gentle and soft...a little smile on my face...just this moment... just this now...

how did i get here? i cannot say for sure but maybe... just maybe these factors came into play:

1) i feel truly deeply incredibly blessed to be doing the 'work' that i do...i love teaching.. i love my students.. all of them...i love what i receive from the experience of sharing these ancient practices...i am filled with so much gratitude for this in my life right now

2) i spent the afternoon with a dear, beautiful and inspiring friend...sipping tea and eating cake...sharing news and snippets from our lives...laughing... shopping... basking in the warmth of open hearts...lately i have really been feeling how lucky i am in the amount of love and friendship i have in my life.. its kinda blown me away!... i am one very lucky lil lady!

3) the amount of support i seem to be receiving from the universe around my 'alchemy of the arts' events and retreats seems to be unbounding... truly! again i feel deeply grateful and also very excited to witness my little seed gently and tenderly taking shoot.. i will be careful to nurture it and tend to its needs as it hopefully continues to grow both widely and wildly to dance with the world

4) tho i do not wish to offer too deep an insight into what has been a tenderly painful yet devastatingly delicious distraction over the last few months, the ending of my latest dalliance in intimacy and love, has offered me so much insight and so many gifts... thro the tears and heart breaking sadness of it all, i can feel gratitude, once more, lurking quietly in the corner of my heart..i took a risk, and i will risk again, someday!

god... do i sound like i have been swallowing happy pills?!.. i can asure you that whilst that is certainly not the case, i have been swallowing pills of a different nature... these ones have 'thank you' written on them...someone once said, and i think it was meister eckhart,

"if you only say one prayer in your life, make it 'thank you'"

om namaha