40daysbefore40 day 20: courage, prayer and the meaning of 40

who did you pray to before you knew of the existence of god?

i read that once and it stayed with me

prayer

i had to pray today...but lets rewind a little shall we?

you see, writing about the 'pause' between the breath and my evening last night of dropping into that space that i touched with my gentle and kind attention, of 'getting off the train', and simply standing to view or perhaps re-view my surroundings, i dropped in...down and in

it was time, halfway through this project and i needed to see where was i? and how the hell did i get here? i needed to go back, way back, and rest with my original intention for this practice...something had, and has shifted, and as is so often imperative, i had to check that i hadnt got lost...and folks, perhaps, quite truthfully, i had...just a little x

you may be wondering why i started this at all? no? oh well you have my full permission to slip this bit, i wont know, and if i did i wouldnt tell ;-)

here's what set this fire ball in motion...i started to research courage...to read and explore, via the wonder of the t'internet what it means to dare, to take risks...i found great quotes and inspired articles and people living with these words as their guide...i used to be daring, you know, in the fact i could galavant around the globe, solo travelling to my hearts content, winding up in strange encounters and, a few times, slightly risque situations...i dared to follow my yearnings and take chances and seemingly had the guts to do so...however i had left something important behind, outta the negotiations and that something was me!...confused?..please let me explain...

i wasnt at home

no? need more??

i have lived most of my life far far from my body, far from inhabiting the most luscious landscape, far from experiencing this crazy map of my whole goddamn life!...its easier to do crazy shit when noones home..i mean, who cares?..what ya got to lose??...i had even spent almost a decade teaching yoga without actually embodying the basics myself first!...i hope you will forgive me dear friends xx

its only in the last few years that i have come home, that i feel the solid sensual aliveness of what its like to be sitting in the centre of myself, not flying around out there somewhere, or weighed down, cant see the woods for the trees heaviness...i am here (well most of the time) and that, dear ones, is the problem per se...i wish to have that courage, daring and risk taking nature, but to bring myself along too..its kinda important, and quite frankly, non negotiable!

but in doing so i bring my humanness, my vulnerable heart, my fears and tears and aches n pains, and my gut instincts, and bone wisdom...quite a heavy suitcase perhaps?! 

and for some reason, that whole desire to dare, seems that much more tricky, theres more to feel...and i guess, theres more to risk...hmmm..maybe just writing that is a step in the lil step program of dare :-)...you see part of the reason i skipped out the back door on my self along time ago is that i got hurt, really hurt, and though its not necessary to know the reasons why, that held hurt and disappointment, as painful as it was, is now more transparent for me...i see it..i feel it...and im just beginning to accept and soften to it, to love it and to give it the attention and acknowledgement that it never got before

i guess im scared that im gonna be hurt and disappointed again

who the hell isnt hey??

so..this is where i am in my practice called life, and in that toe dipping of taking one lil step at a time

so..researching all of this i was given a book...a beautiful book that inspired me even deeper..a book about rumi and his relationship to shams of tabriz...powerful, soulful, affirming and love...''40 rules of love'' by elif shafak..read it..its good :-)

and there were 2 things that started the spark...one was a quote that stayed with me all day and night:

''fret not where the path will lead. instead concentrate on the first step.this is often the hardest...''

the second?

a response by a character to a woman's lament at turning 40 years of age:

''forty is a most beautiful age for both men and women. did you know that in mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening? when we mourn we mourn for forty days. when a baby is born it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. and when we are in love we need to wait for forty days to be sure of our feelings.

the flood of noah lasted forty days, and while the waters destroyed life, they also washed all impurity away and enabled human beings to make a new, fresh start. in islamic mysticism there are forty degrees between man and god. likewise, there are four basic stages of consciousness and ten degrees in each, making forty levels in total. jesus went into the wilderness for forty days and nights. muhammed was forty years old when he received the call to become a prophet. buddha meditated under a linden tree for forty days. not to mention the forty rules of shams.

you receive a new mission at forty, a new lease on life! you have reached a most auspicious number. congratulations! and dont worry about getting old. there are no wrinkles or gray hair strong enough to defy the power of forty!''

beautiful no?

that night i awoke in the wee hours and the idea for ''40daysbefore40'' crystallized clear and ready in my mind :-)

this is my practice...my prayer...my call to the wilderness...my meditation

and so that was the intention

but i got lost..lost in feeling like i had to show something huge each day..to manifest amazing artwork and astounding insights!...to offer more and more of the extraordinary in order to...to...well...if am honest...to be seen, to be approved of, and to be loved...shit!!!

you know what i realised in this pause yesterday? that i had lost the point...this is about my relationship to life...whats possible when you turn up and wake up and step in and commit...its about the small things, and its about my hearts whispers and the ordinary of engaging in life with each breath

i also found today to be quite tender...in this pause i felt my truth again, beneath the doing and planning...in that place i felt my sadness at my heart, and the realisation that it doesnt matter how many projects i say yes to, how many pieces of art in any form i create and show, how many people are reading these words, or how much of this 'doing' i do!...you see, what i know now, and i have been gifted as a blessing from this practice, is that, it doesnt matter...it doesnt bloody matter!!..i dont need to seek outside of me, i dont need to be seen by you, and i dont need to earn your approval or love..none of this grasping is gonna truly touch me and feed me anyways...

i am sooo loved..soo deeply and utterly loved that i am blown away

and yet i see now that its simply about letting life in...letting you in...letting that love in to touch me at my very core...its one thing to write about staying in bed all day, hiding from life and feeling sad...its another to show up and go, hey life, hey you beautiful other being, here i am, and all that i am and offer in just my own naked self, is enough!!

time to drop the veil...the veil that has those cracks that let the light in, that is becomig thinner and thinner all the time...its time to let it go and let the world, and you my darling, in...

i prayed today..i crawled outta bed and went to that sunday church that works best for me...the direct hotline to you know who...i went to dance..to the class that holds the space...to dance and bring and offer all that i am and all that is real...i offered and prayed and sweated and fell back back back into my body...and goddamn it, that prayer felt goood!!

so..i dont know what this insight means to be honest

i am still going to turn up here every day (or night ;-) )...but im gonna put down all the huge stuff and props and bright lights, and im just gonna bring me...half way there...20 more days to reverberate and say adios to the decade of my 30's...this is my practice, my prayer and my journey...i thank you for accompanying me so far...sending a real, warm, and heartfelt hug to you out there :-)

night night xxx

40daysbefore40 day 18: make today matter

 

make today matter

and did you?

you see each and every day is a new canvas, a new potential for a differing path...we look out at the world with eyes seemingly samed each day...we see the life we live with the story lined script given to us many moons ago, and how often we sigh wearily as we clothe ourselves with the familiar costume of the well worn character to take our x marked ear marked place on the staged set we call our life

and yet it doesnt have to be this way...we can change the rules, bend them ever so slightly off kilter and edit the worn out script...we can rub our tired eyes awake with the promise of a new perspective, the eyes of the innocent..what does she see?

you see, one of the gifts of this 40 day practice, has been what you dont know my dears...behind the scenes, in the wings awaiting, is the glue that binds this prayer in place...i realise more and more that to be open to receive each day and respond appropriately means that i cannot step outta my flat with olden eyes to view the paving stones, the concrete grey beneath my feet...its interesting but i have to stay innocent, alive, awake to each moment, to notice every player as they saunter, skulk or sulk shadily past, how they move, what they say without their words...i notice the light, the edges of planes before invisible to my half lazy sight...conversations caught in my net to be mulled over, smiled at and forgotten into memory...and the question, the seeking, the openness to what each of you may offer to me as i offer myself out to you

and i am always surprised

its like i need to get outta my own way in order for the feast that is life to be revealed

this practice is teaching me that to hide away in the burlop of my knotted mind is kinda selfish, sort of misses the point, and is wholly useless if i seek to truly and passionately find the holiness of the day...

what a gift!

and so...

today has been a magic filled day:

of possibilities new

of 'yes-es' to the great void of no knowing

of daring to jump in with a hop n a skip into stretching a lil more

of old friends with wide smiles and laughter, of 'nice guy discounts' and ruined reputations, of film ideas and kick starting the revolution creative style! 

of sitting and stillness and shaking vibrations

of rats tales and lands of fairy stories, macabre performance and delights for the soul's memories

of sisterhood and silliness

of flocks of birds asleep in a bare boned tree in the midst of the city night's whirl

of gifted buns

of lounges new, creaking golden doors, and the voluptuous other world all moulin rouge and vampire haunts, of gratuitous membership and sweet hostess's

of familiar love, young boys of a carefully cropped shorn nature, smiles and faces worn by time

of found treasured words when are eyes are open...to remind us...

always it is possible...

to...

 ''make today matter''

and so...did you my friend?

xxx

its always been this way

Mnemosyne….goddess of memory…the mother of the 9 muses of greek origin…is present now…with this breath….the feel of the woollen wove rug beneath the barefoot soul I extend deeper into it…she is present in the aching of my calves, to stretch this way, that way, extending my limbs in shapes known and ancient…arising from the state of ‘being’, of paying attention, of arriving to my practice destination ‘?’, the intention to open and receive and return home being the map to guide me…music chosen today soft, undulating, reflecting my pulse on this strange humid heavy day…and so I follow, I mean jesus what else can I do?!...and so I follow, and as I pursue in languid fascination the movements of my body, I soften into the edges, opening up a little more into a shaded cavern in the crevices of a city slammed body and mind…breath rushes in, light its friend and I expand…god this feels delicious, and after some time purring contentedly into that shape I feel the impulse to shift, to transform and a new path guides me someplace new…

When I come to my practice with the states of ‘innocence’ and ‘inner sense’ my mantra this is what takes shape….some of the shapes my body responds into, following its own memory, are unknown to me, simply the whispered traces of spirit passing through momentarily..and yet some are known, though fascimiles of the yoga asanas, bound to the memory of my muscle, engrained like habits, serving me well this time (hurrah for ‘good’ habits!), seem older than me, older than the yogi(ni)s first flourishing in forest fabled times..these shapes seem to echo those of my ancestors, my ancients, our ancients, linked through our DNA always and forever, renewing and responding with each new life breathed alive into conscious being…

I am reminded as I practice, and it touches me, that I move in the ways of my tribe…my brothers n sisters of the yoga world, those I share space and sometimes a moment of connection with on the dancefloor of my dance practice, my parents, perhaps dancing their first dance of life on their wedding day, or the dance that created me, the dance of my grandparents (apparently my mother’s folks met at a tea dance at manchester’s famous ‘ritz’ nightclub, a venue I have also frequented and stepped my steps on the bouncy dancefloor (yes really)); the dance of my ancestors moving from lands known to new; the dance of my forefathers and mothers in ceremony, in celebration, for the goddamn pure joy of moving their bodies….

we have always moved..its in our nature…did you know that the familiar shouting out of ‘ole’ in the grandly soul filled dance of flamenco stemmed from its origins in Sufi dance..the twirl and ecstasy of the dancer so provoked the appearance within themselves of ‘god’ that folk would shout out ‘allah’ in recognition and honour of that literally awesome moment…

And so, as my body allows, perhaps for the briefest of moments, a chance to ‘be’ without my head in the control room, my body breath and heart sing spirits unique song through me, linking me with all of life itself…this is why I practice, this is what awakens and wakes me up…my grateful heart rests in wonder as these words roll out to greet you…