intimacy

its september...2:28am...a hot bubbling bath awaits with expectant innocence of my arrival...and yet...this blog lures me to its portal where my tapping fingers creates who knows what...ahhh..am in a deeper space...that late night..dark sky...no time...no cares...kinda limbo place i dearly cherish...at this hour it feels like time stands still for me...bringing a chance to catch up with my self...my self that i have been busily ignoring for a few days...busily distracted by work n play...

do you know what? something strange is happening...strange because lil cracks seem to be appearing in the well worn story of my mind...the story? the fabled tale with the same twisted ending each time i recall it?..yeah that one...its the story of 'what i want'....hmmm...what i want hey?...i thought i knew what i wanted...and yet... right now..i dont know anymore..something has shifted..something is shifting..and i aint got a clue whats going down!

geez...a sombre posting sweet heart...maybe..maybe not...when i first decided to blog it was for 2 reasons...the first is that i needed a website for the 'alchemy of the arts' events...and secondly, more personally, it was to take my writing, n crazy musing, outta the lonely solace of my journals, and out into the grand big wide open world!...why?...well..and this is part of whats a changin for me...let me tell you a story...

once upon a time (oh come on, everyone likes a story that starts with those words!)...once upon a time a slightly sparkly n rather shy girl took her steps of independence from the world of family n out into the cemented streets of the world..well ok..manchester..

generally quite alarmed by the presence of most folk who crossed her path, n perplexed by the human game most of the time, she found a way to make it look like she was a part of the show...yes she became a yoga teacher, and yes she wandered the world and treaded her red earthed coated feet onto shores exotic and new, and she had a variety of dalliances with an assortment of strange n beautiful creatures, and she had friends and a place to live and looked like every other human bean that walked the streets (tho she was always fabulously dressed..that has to be said!)...

she was holding a secret close to her heart...a secret that meant she didnt have to touch the world fully...a secret that meant, in turn, that the world couldnt touch her fully either...what was this secret?...well, its very simple...she had a veil..a walled veil over her heart...a veil so fine that it was almost imperceptible to the human eye..and yet so tough, like the hardest skin of a leather coated animal primed to never ever be dented by the sharpest of blows!

fine..she thought...fine

and yet it wasnt....fine that is...far from it...she felt separate, isolated and the once revered title of outsider that she had made her own wildly n proudly, felt a poor substitute for the deepest desire she held inside...the desire my darlings..was for intimacy..

intimacy..

into me you see...is one way a friend once broke this word down for me...into me you see..gee..really??..yikes!...

so starting this blog was this shy girls step of lifting the veil..of peeking her face out from beneath...of saying...'this is me'...i have often struggled with the question of how much do i share?...how much should i share??...now i feel like fuck it!..i will share whatever i want to...take the risk...offer myself as i am...take it or leave it...here i am...well...tentatively..slowly...one step of my pointed studded boots at a time!

and yet...this last few years has seen my practices deepen...my intimacy with my own body, its stories, its hurt, its joys...the power of movement...the deep shamanic wisdom of the creative arts...its shifting me...rearranging me...and the little veil is beginning to crack...little cracks...yet, as leonard cohen would say, 'the cracks are where the light gets in'...

as i engage more intimately with my sweet n tender self...i feel the threads between myself n the world tighten..as the journey towards deepening intimacy with the world continues, my 'what do i want' no longer makes sense...

'what do i want?'...right now..in this new n fragile place..i do not know... maybe i dont need to know...maybe as this new awareness grows all will become clear...

signing out...wishing you sweet dreams

thank you for 'seeing into me' x

poetry of presence

treewoman

spirals spiral their swirling dance within my bones, my blood, my flesh...fed and fueled by my breath...how far i go depends on the deepening of my breathing in..how far i go depends on the release of my breath out

feeling blessed and alive...just been on a weekend with the wonderful ya-acov darling-khan...movement medicine...'the poetry of presence'...(see link)...immersion in the body...coming home to the only place that is real..inside..dancing within and without.. exploring connection, to earth, to sun, to heart, to an-other, to the world

i love this work...work?..blimey can it even be called that??..more like pleasure, a necessity, a life pulse, a reminder of what is real, what its all about.. a reminder that no matter what life brings in its thrills n spills, there truly is 'no place like home'...oh how easy it is to forget, to not give attention to that which supports it all...how is it possible to live life without that conversation with the intelligence that is always with us?...and thats the beauty isnt it?..its always with us.. everything we need is always a mere breath of awareness away!

so what did i remember? well, i remembered my roots, my connection to earth...to me these roots felt strong and firm, yet i also felt that i could loosen up the effort to feel that support a little...i didnt have to try so hard..its there.. i am supported.. i have a strong ground.. and yet i think i never really trusted that so much before.. so i loosened it up a little...invited my hips and pelvis to shake it up and become freer.. and in doing so i rediscovered my playfulness, my mischievous energy... i felt that 'secure attachment' i never felt as a child, the knowing i am safe and held which allows me to 'play out' more... wonderful!

i experienced my body freeing up and the bliss and pleasure of moving right out to my edges.. edges i havent previously really payed much attention to before.. but this time i did pay attention, i breathed right to the tips of my fingers, the tips of my toes.. i felt alive, awake, sensual, fiery and a little tiger like if am honest... the funny thing is i wore this tiger print top, which quite frankly is kinda hideous, and purchased many months ago for the mere sum of a pound!..i was this tiger..roaring inside and undulating with the waves of my life force

and i touched my heart..one of the qualities of my self i have been getting to know over the last year is my shyness..yes folks.. tho i might often pour out my heart here in a somewhat cavalier and humourous manner, deeply within i am a shy gal! part of me that i have denied in shame in the past..i am gently learning to sit with her, to allow her hiding and to place her more deeply in my heart...so i let her be there in the dance, at the same time takin a lil risk every now n then to reach out, to touch another, and to be touched by another.. slowly and cautiously she shows her face in wonder to the world

so much more but i recall i am writing a blog not a book!

be yourself.. love yourself.. you are fuckin beautiful!!