40daysbefore40 day 20: courage, prayer and the meaning of 40

who did you pray to before you knew of the existence of god?

i read that once and it stayed with me

prayer

i had to pray today...but lets rewind a little shall we?

you see, writing about the 'pause' between the breath and my evening last night of dropping into that space that i touched with my gentle and kind attention, of 'getting off the train', and simply standing to view or perhaps re-view my surroundings, i dropped in...down and in

it was time, halfway through this project and i needed to see where was i? and how the hell did i get here? i needed to go back, way back, and rest with my original intention for this practice...something had, and has shifted, and as is so often imperative, i had to check that i hadnt got lost...and folks, perhaps, quite truthfully, i had...just a little x

you may be wondering why i started this at all? no? oh well you have my full permission to slip this bit, i wont know, and if i did i wouldnt tell ;-)

here's what set this fire ball in motion...i started to research courage...to read and explore, via the wonder of the t'internet what it means to dare, to take risks...i found great quotes and inspired articles and people living with these words as their guide...i used to be daring, you know, in the fact i could galavant around the globe, solo travelling to my hearts content, winding up in strange encounters and, a few times, slightly risque situations...i dared to follow my yearnings and take chances and seemingly had the guts to do so...however i had left something important behind, outta the negotiations and that something was me!...confused?..please let me explain...

i wasnt at home

no? need more??

i have lived most of my life far far from my body, far from inhabiting the most luscious landscape, far from experiencing this crazy map of my whole goddamn life!...its easier to do crazy shit when noones home..i mean, who cares?..what ya got to lose??...i had even spent almost a decade teaching yoga without actually embodying the basics myself first!...i hope you will forgive me dear friends xx

its only in the last few years that i have come home, that i feel the solid sensual aliveness of what its like to be sitting in the centre of myself, not flying around out there somewhere, or weighed down, cant see the woods for the trees heaviness...i am here (well most of the time) and that, dear ones, is the problem per se...i wish to have that courage, daring and risk taking nature, but to bring myself along too..its kinda important, and quite frankly, non negotiable!

but in doing so i bring my humanness, my vulnerable heart, my fears and tears and aches n pains, and my gut instincts, and bone wisdom...quite a heavy suitcase perhaps?! 

and for some reason, that whole desire to dare, seems that much more tricky, theres more to feel...and i guess, theres more to risk...hmmm..maybe just writing that is a step in the lil step program of dare :-)...you see part of the reason i skipped out the back door on my self along time ago is that i got hurt, really hurt, and though its not necessary to know the reasons why, that held hurt and disappointment, as painful as it was, is now more transparent for me...i see it..i feel it...and im just beginning to accept and soften to it, to love it and to give it the attention and acknowledgement that it never got before

i guess im scared that im gonna be hurt and disappointed again

who the hell isnt hey??

so..this is where i am in my practice called life, and in that toe dipping of taking one lil step at a time

so..researching all of this i was given a book...a beautiful book that inspired me even deeper..a book about rumi and his relationship to shams of tabriz...powerful, soulful, affirming and love...''40 rules of love'' by elif shafak..read it..its good :-)

and there were 2 things that started the spark...one was a quote that stayed with me all day and night:

''fret not where the path will lead. instead concentrate on the first step.this is often the hardest...''

the second?

a response by a character to a woman's lament at turning 40 years of age:

''forty is a most beautiful age for both men and women. did you know that in mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening? when we mourn we mourn for forty days. when a baby is born it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. and when we are in love we need to wait for forty days to be sure of our feelings.

the flood of noah lasted forty days, and while the waters destroyed life, they also washed all impurity away and enabled human beings to make a new, fresh start. in islamic mysticism there are forty degrees between man and god. likewise, there are four basic stages of consciousness and ten degrees in each, making forty levels in total. jesus went into the wilderness for forty days and nights. muhammed was forty years old when he received the call to become a prophet. buddha meditated under a linden tree for forty days. not to mention the forty rules of shams.

you receive a new mission at forty, a new lease on life! you have reached a most auspicious number. congratulations! and dont worry about getting old. there are no wrinkles or gray hair strong enough to defy the power of forty!''

beautiful no?

that night i awoke in the wee hours and the idea for ''40daysbefore40'' crystallized clear and ready in my mind :-)

this is my practice...my prayer...my call to the wilderness...my meditation

and so that was the intention

but i got lost..lost in feeling like i had to show something huge each day..to manifest amazing artwork and astounding insights!...to offer more and more of the extraordinary in order to...to...well...if am honest...to be seen, to be approved of, and to be loved...shit!!!

you know what i realised in this pause yesterday? that i had lost the point...this is about my relationship to life...whats possible when you turn up and wake up and step in and commit...its about the small things, and its about my hearts whispers and the ordinary of engaging in life with each breath

i also found today to be quite tender...in this pause i felt my truth again, beneath the doing and planning...in that place i felt my sadness at my heart, and the realisation that it doesnt matter how many projects i say yes to, how many pieces of art in any form i create and show, how many people are reading these words, or how much of this 'doing' i do!...you see, what i know now, and i have been gifted as a blessing from this practice, is that, it doesnt matter...it doesnt bloody matter!!..i dont need to seek outside of me, i dont need to be seen by you, and i dont need to earn your approval or love..none of this grasping is gonna truly touch me and feed me anyways...

i am sooo loved..soo deeply and utterly loved that i am blown away

and yet i see now that its simply about letting life in...letting you in...letting that love in to touch me at my very core...its one thing to write about staying in bed all day, hiding from life and feeling sad...its another to show up and go, hey life, hey you beautiful other being, here i am, and all that i am and offer in just my own naked self, is enough!!

time to drop the veil...the veil that has those cracks that let the light in, that is becomig thinner and thinner all the time...its time to let it go and let the world, and you my darling, in...

i prayed today..i crawled outta bed and went to that sunday church that works best for me...the direct hotline to you know who...i went to dance..to the class that holds the space...to dance and bring and offer all that i am and all that is real...i offered and prayed and sweated and fell back back back into my body...and goddamn it, that prayer felt goood!!

so..i dont know what this insight means to be honest

i am still going to turn up here every day (or night ;-) )...but im gonna put down all the huge stuff and props and bright lights, and im just gonna bring me...half way there...20 more days to reverberate and say adios to the decade of my 30's...this is my practice, my prayer and my journey...i thank you for accompanying me so far...sending a real, warm, and heartfelt hug to you out there :-)

night night xxx

40daysbefore40 day 16: feathers for fears xxx

''Opening to the world begins to benefit ourselves and others simultaneously. The more we relate with others, the more quickly we discover where we’re blocked. Seeing this is helpful, but it’s also painful. Sometimes we use it as ammunition against ourselves: we aren’t kind, we aren’t honest, we aren’t brave, and we might as well give up right now. But when we apply the instruction to be soft and nonjudgmental to whatever we see at this very moment, the embarrassing reflection in the mirror becomes our friend. We soften further and lighten up more, because we know it’s the only way we can continue to work with others and be of any benefit in the world. This is the beginning of growing up''

pema chodron     heart advice

aah..beautiful wise ms chodron...her words echoing far beneath the rippled surface of my mind today...a gift from the angels when her discourse blows a gentle breeze to the feathered realms of my thoughts

soften soften soften

i am a sensitive soul and when the winds of change come a charging and a huffin' n puffin' to blow your house down, i tend to get overwhelmed...i wobble and topple and feel as if the rug of perpetual ground is being tugged right from under my feet

i read once that the esteemed yoga teacher judith lasater, when filling in some form of non descript, was momentarily paused when faced with the question 'what is your permanent address?'...she hesitated a while longer lingering in the truth that, well, no where may we call our 'permanent' home

now, i feel that this year, for me, is a sloughing off, a continuation of the snake medicine, my friend and ally, helping me to shed the ole skin...and a new year realisation that as far as resisting this metamorphosis, i am helpless...i can kick n scream n cling by the edges of my fingernails, but resistance, my friends, is futile!

so here i am...my mantram of choice and my anchor in this choppy sea...and today i felt the rocking as another wave hit the deck and pulled me under its spell...changes..changes...those goddamn...paradoxically craved and opposed changes

nothing stays the same

everything changes

to be truthful, i am scared...underneath the waves of emotion that arises for me with the rockiness of change, is fear...aah hello friend...change means uncertainty...an unknown outcome...no knowing where the dots join up, or feeling safe colouring in inside the lines...the lines have moved...here today and gone tomorrow...sometimes i lie in bed late at night and a strong desire to throw all the pieces of my life up in the air arises...to crack it all up with a pick and a hammer, to break all the familiar into teeny tiny pieces...to stand, naked and alive awaiting the dawn with a myriad pieces of my safe life lying scattered in shards of colour all around me...god...sometimes i am tempted...tempted to reveal just a lil too much, to gamble the devils advocate card with my own life as prey...to tip over the edge too far to climb back...to destroy and implode until there is nothing left to identify

hmmm...tempting

you see i feel that all is falling away...yes i am teaching...yes i am running a retreat this spring...but its my last one for a while...i feel that i dont know quite where my alchemy business is going...i sense a loss to be honoured for nearly 9 years of wondrous bravery and willing students, of creative overflowing and laughter and sharing and goddamn warriors daring to be seen!!...i feel the tugging at my sleeve of something not yet formed, of collaberation, of creativity, of flows of ideas and new learning and travel, of a team and tea, of ventures of soul and brand new lands, of a great big '?'...

sounds good hey?

but this requires change...i sensed today, after receiving some news of loss, of change, of disappointment and of making mistakes, that the shaking ground that i find myself on when i open my eyes to life's uncertainties, is simply that...shaking ground...its ok to shake with it...its ok to wet my cheeks with apprehension and incomprehension...its ok to not know, to get lost, to fuck up, to make mistakes, and to say 'here i am' in whatever state it finds me...its ok to be rocked and rolled, shaken and stirred..and yet..the key?

the key is softness..the key lies in the beauty of the feather...the light touch that strokes the moment of your heart and tickles it slightly into submission...submitting its hardening...submitting the armour that protects from the shakes...submitting the 'i am ok' when perhaps you are not...submitting the unfeeling so that life can be felt..and in that feeling, in that moment, as feathers fall down, the softness of their touch reminding us to lighten, and be of service to the beauty of the world and each other

amen!!

p.s. dance helped me soften today..dance and prayer..prayer and dance..where the hell is the line between them anyways?!...and going to ground..giving her my fears, my tears and my bones to hold...as i softened and softened and let go into submission xxx

and with the flux of change that tests my trust, even tho thousands of times i have been tried and faith yielded the way, i panic, always i panic, panic into no breath, into no ground...and yet today diamonds twinkled in the pocket of life i call my own: of friends reaching out in contact for tea and chatter, of new souls with shining smiles and tales of music and magic, of a venue for my birthday jaunt, of daring to risk with a totally gorgeous man (all will be revealed ;-) ), of dancing and movement, of new classes and attentive students, of couscous and red peppers, of bed calling my name, of the amazement that its 16 days in and tho my god some eves i am called away i still turn up, and still offer what i am in that moment, of lessons learned from this practice, of chances and changes, of trust and the willingness to maybe, just maybe, i can let it all go, and of you, dear reader, for hearing my words...thank you..thank you for all of this...gratefully i kiss the earth and take this filled heart to bed...alone :-)

xxx 

40daysbefore40 day 6: ode to my lover xxx

''welcome to the moment of life''

i danced to honour you today my lover

our waltz around the room of 12 months is drawing near the end

kicking out time soon and i want a proper farewell

i danced the steps we created together

you whirled me around the floor and swept me off my feet

you teased me and whispered late into the nights

of half eaten dreams

of love around the corners

of places to travel arm in arm

in cahoots armed only with a secret plan

so secret i never knew

you showed me your world dear lover

i showed you mine

we lay together entwined

we sang and argued

we laughed and sighed and cried

i tried to kick you out and left the door on the latch

and yet you didnt leave

you ole faithful

you stayed with me

all year

12 months

my lover

2012

it is time to say goodbye

to go our seperate ways

i am due to meet a new lover at the stroke of midnight

its an impossible love affair

we cant continue prolong the inevitable

lets be graceful and drop each others hands

and part with such sweet sorrow

thank you for the dance

thanks for the memories

and for the moments called my life

xxx

the art of presence

 (photo from one of my camera artist dates)

julia cameron would be so proud of me this week :-)....for those of you left with a blank stare of non recognition, ms cameron was responsible for perhaps one of the most seminal and important books on creativity over the last few decades ('the artists way')...alongside, daily journal writing, which i take to also include the click click clicking of keys forming the words of my mind on these pages; she also suggested a weekly 'artist date'...some time set aside for yourself, that didnt involve cleaning, sorting, or any other kind of distraction, but did involve a healthy dollop of creative stimulation to feed one's soul :-)

living in a city, the variety of date like solo stylee venturings is a little like being a child in, erm, willy wonka's chocolate factory! galleries, book stores, thrift shops, and outings with a camera have all seen my creative inbox a swelling...but this week, my medium of choice was film...2 to be precise...ahhh i can almost hear my creative muse purring in delight of being spoilt treated in such a way!

the first was a trip into the workings of the late dance choroegrapher pina bausch. With her unique style, a blend of movements, sounds and prominent stage sets, and with her elaborate cooperation with performers during the composition of a piece (a style now known as Tanztheatre), she became a leading influence since the 1970s in the world of modern dance....the movie showed a section of her creations, performed and recreated by her loyal and dedicated troupe of dancers...beautiful, strong, deep, vital, powerful and emotive pieces...

the second movie, requiring a trip down the road to the local art house cinema, was entitled 'the artist is present', and was a documentary on the great living, perhaps some might say grandmother, of performance art, marina abromavic...having offered herself in service to her art for over 40 years, this was a fascinating portrayal inside the mind of this, once again, strong, powerful and incredible brave and magnetic woman...

though inspiring in bucketloads by themselves, i have been struck by several themes that seem to resonate at the heart, not only of living a creative life as an artist, but also living a life that is creative...there is a difference dear ones...in fact i recall how last summer, attending a workshop on being a 'holy artist' with a grand tribe of like minded dancing souls, i had arrived with the question ''how do i live as an ARTIST??'' rolling around the crevices of my mind...through the power of the dance, energetic work, laughter, friendship, and a huge amount of risk taking later, i flew out the other side of the week, that question dissolved into a new one, that rattled deep within my bones, ''how do i LIVE as an artist??"...as it happened, at that time, and for many months later, the answer felt as solid, real and ridiculously simple as if i had always known it!....fast forwards a year later, and the art of remembrance carries me through....the answer?

PRESENCE

yep...i told you it was easy peasy...a small word, yet one that contains the whole wide world within it...what is presence? well, i certainly know when i am around someone who has it....they seem to 'be' right down to their belly, every word evoked an evocation of truth, of fullness, of gravitas, and of embodiment....observing students, when suddenly becoming present in a part of their body they hadnt, as such, visited before, a light comes on behind their eyes, and though this might seem odd, there is a sense of being filled up from the inside...their bodies become more solid, more sculptural, their very being pulses with a sense of vitality....there is a definite knowing that they are 'home'!

when i am present, i am here...yes yes i know thats obvious, but....most of the time i am thinking of the past, or fretting/ planning/ procrastinating about the future (anyone else with me on that one??)....when present, its as if no time exists..only now...and in that i am aware of every sensation in my body, almost as if the dial of amplification has been volted to full force...i feel my energy moving..i am clear, and can speak my truth, as well as recognise if something i am about to announce does not ring a ring ring right down to my gut...when present i am with the folk i am hanging with, with my breath and arms as i stretch my arms in palm tree pose, with the feelings of loss when saying goodbye to an old friend, or the feelings of joy as i step into what feels the next step of service to spirit...

how can we not live as whole as we can? is that not the practice and ultimately the purpose of yoga?

so, returning back to the two dazzlingly inspiring creative souls i have had the pleasure of getting to know a teeny bit more this week...what they both had in common, besides vision, courage to create, an ambitiously hungry palate for their work, and the neccessity of delving deeper and deeper into the realm of human emotion and relationship, was, the importance and significance of presence....pina acknowledged at one point how having her eyes lowered helped her to 'be' in her body to express an echoingly yearning character through dance; marina created a 3 month long ode to presence in her MOMA retrospective, one that moved me to tears...

if you have reached the end of this piece with me, then thank you, and i will leave you with a musing from the marina film (probably not verbatim as it was dark in the movie theatre!)

''it does not matter what kind of art we create, its your state of mind that matters''

xxx

 

its always been this way

Mnemosyne….goddess of memory…the mother of the 9 muses of greek origin…is present now…with this breath….the feel of the woollen wove rug beneath the barefoot soul I extend deeper into it…she is present in the aching of my calves, to stretch this way, that way, extending my limbs in shapes known and ancient…arising from the state of ‘being’, of paying attention, of arriving to my practice destination ‘?’, the intention to open and receive and return home being the map to guide me…music chosen today soft, undulating, reflecting my pulse on this strange humid heavy day…and so I follow, I mean jesus what else can I do?!...and so I follow, and as I pursue in languid fascination the movements of my body, I soften into the edges, opening up a little more into a shaded cavern in the crevices of a city slammed body and mind…breath rushes in, light its friend and I expand…god this feels delicious, and after some time purring contentedly into that shape I feel the impulse to shift, to transform and a new path guides me someplace new…

When I come to my practice with the states of ‘innocence’ and ‘inner sense’ my mantra this is what takes shape….some of the shapes my body responds into, following its own memory, are unknown to me, simply the whispered traces of spirit passing through momentarily..and yet some are known, though fascimiles of the yoga asanas, bound to the memory of my muscle, engrained like habits, serving me well this time (hurrah for ‘good’ habits!), seem older than me, older than the yogi(ni)s first flourishing in forest fabled times..these shapes seem to echo those of my ancestors, my ancients, our ancients, linked through our DNA always and forever, renewing and responding with each new life breathed alive into conscious being…

I am reminded as I practice, and it touches me, that I move in the ways of my tribe…my brothers n sisters of the yoga world, those I share space and sometimes a moment of connection with on the dancefloor of my dance practice, my parents, perhaps dancing their first dance of life on their wedding day, or the dance that created me, the dance of my grandparents (apparently my mother’s folks met at a tea dance at manchester’s famous ‘ritz’ nightclub, a venue I have also frequented and stepped my steps on the bouncy dancefloor (yes really)); the dance of my ancestors moving from lands known to new; the dance of my forefathers and mothers in ceremony, in celebration, for the goddamn pure joy of moving their bodies….

we have always moved..its in our nature…did you know that the familiar shouting out of ‘ole’ in the grandly soul filled dance of flamenco stemmed from its origins in Sufi dance..the twirl and ecstasy of the dancer so provoked the appearance within themselves of ‘god’ that folk would shout out ‘allah’ in recognition and honour of that literally awesome moment…

And so, as my body allows, perhaps for the briefest of moments, a chance to ‘be’ without my head in the control room, my body breath and heart sing spirits unique song through me, linking me with all of life itself…this is why I practice, this is what awakens and wakes me up…my grateful heart rests in wonder as these words roll out to greet you…

the raw material of life and art

'them bones need a tending to'

tuesday evening and as the police sirens, helicopters and a dissatified and disillusioned youth created their dance of chaos outside on the streets of the city, 4 folk gathered at 'home studio' for one of my twice monthly 'alchemy art salons'...

it seemed appropriate to ask 'do we want to be here?'...perhaps the desire to settle back into the comfort of our own abodes may have been calling...and yet all of us said 'yes!'...why?...a strong impulse not to run away in fear, to turn our backs helplessly, the consensus was that maybe, just maybe, we could do our bit to add some healing and love...to use the creative energy inherent in us to create a little bit of love for the city we live in... and so we did, offering out our evenings play as our response to the craziness surrounding us...

and we danced, and shook our bones..we breathed deeply allowing the full feeling to flood through our limbs.. and we painted where we were and what we felt...

last night i watched the beautiful and moving documentary 'breath made visible'...an inspiring film of the life of dancer and visionary anna halprin...one of the comments she made in response to a challenging event in her life really struck me:
' what you do have control over is how you cope with what happens...art is one way...its not the only way...but its my way...'

here here sister! it doesnt matter what your 'art' is...for anna her art was her dance...its all about using what we have to create..it doesnt have to be 'perfect' or 'professional'...its simply making something out of the raw material of life...so grab your guitar, put on your tap shoes, choose your favourite writing tool..and let it flow, freely, with passion, and with curiousity, and see what your soul can offer in service to not only your life and heart, but that of the world around you...

make art of your life...and life of your art xxx

poetry of presence

treewoman

spirals spiral their swirling dance within my bones, my blood, my flesh...fed and fueled by my breath...how far i go depends on the deepening of my breathing in..how far i go depends on the release of my breath out

feeling blessed and alive...just been on a weekend with the wonderful ya-acov darling-khan...movement medicine...'the poetry of presence'...(see link)...immersion in the body...coming home to the only place that is real..inside..dancing within and without.. exploring connection, to earth, to sun, to heart, to an-other, to the world

i love this work...work?..blimey can it even be called that??..more like pleasure, a necessity, a life pulse, a reminder of what is real, what its all about.. a reminder that no matter what life brings in its thrills n spills, there truly is 'no place like home'...oh how easy it is to forget, to not give attention to that which supports it all...how is it possible to live life without that conversation with the intelligence that is always with us?...and thats the beauty isnt it?..its always with us.. everything we need is always a mere breath of awareness away!

so what did i remember? well, i remembered my roots, my connection to earth...to me these roots felt strong and firm, yet i also felt that i could loosen up the effort to feel that support a little...i didnt have to try so hard..its there.. i am supported.. i have a strong ground.. and yet i think i never really trusted that so much before.. so i loosened it up a little...invited my hips and pelvis to shake it up and become freer.. and in doing so i rediscovered my playfulness, my mischievous energy... i felt that 'secure attachment' i never felt as a child, the knowing i am safe and held which allows me to 'play out' more... wonderful!

i experienced my body freeing up and the bliss and pleasure of moving right out to my edges.. edges i havent previously really payed much attention to before.. but this time i did pay attention, i breathed right to the tips of my fingers, the tips of my toes.. i felt alive, awake, sensual, fiery and a little tiger like if am honest... the funny thing is i wore this tiger print top, which quite frankly is kinda hideous, and purchased many months ago for the mere sum of a pound!..i was this tiger..roaring inside and undulating with the waves of my life force

and i touched my heart..one of the qualities of my self i have been getting to know over the last year is my shyness..yes folks.. tho i might often pour out my heart here in a somewhat cavalier and humourous manner, deeply within i am a shy gal! part of me that i have denied in shame in the past..i am gently learning to sit with her, to allow her hiding and to place her more deeply in my heart...so i let her be there in the dance, at the same time takin a lil risk every now n then to reach out, to touch another, and to be touched by another.. slowly and cautiously she shows her face in wonder to the world

so much more but i recall i am writing a blog not a book!

be yourself.. love yourself.. you are fuckin beautiful!!