you know when your little and there are all these sensible looking folk around you, taller than you are, wearing heels and carrying briefcases, doing important things and talking in a language that you dont understand? do you know the people i speak of? i believe they are known as 'grown ups'!!
i cannot talk for you, but i am curious as to exactly at what point does one receive and become initiated into the exclusive club marked 'grown up'? does one have to wear a badge and go to secret meetings? is there a password to mark the entrance? does one have to answer five questions on subjects such as 'whats your favourite colour?'??
i sat with this question in my meditation practice today, curious as to who the hell actually feels grown up? for all our roles and masks in the world as we go about our daily business and busy-ness, i wonder, at the end of a day, as the door closes behind us, home, slippers on feet and kettle on the boil, do we breathe a sigh of relief in amazement that we fooled em all again?!
approaching 40, two weeks today (erm who's counting ;-) ), i began to wonder what that word entails...i doubt it has anything to do with the size of your home, or whether you have a real wardrobe or four poster bed (tho i must confess i did consider if this might up my grown up status)...rather i feel it is about that mighty big, and reasonable long, word, responsibility
hmmm...responsibility...yikes!!
i looked at how i am responding to my day to day life...yes that word suggests its about our ability to respond to what life offers, our maturity, emotionally and mentally, to be in an adult, aware and respectful relationship to every part of what we are involved in...whether this be our home, finances, family, lover, friends, work, community and environment...are we there? are we willing to look squarely an d courageously at each aspect of what we are a part of...because, like it or not, we are a part of everything that is in our world, close to home or further afield...
now i am aware that there are certain aspects of my life that i have given over responsibility to...that i have turned away from, in a kinda denial, maybe in a hope that it will sort itself out itself...it wont..i know that now...noone can sort our own life out for us...well, maybe if we had a fairy godmother...hmmmm must look up the personal ads ;-)...there are areas of my life i have become a victim to, a child to, have given over the power and support to someone else's control...hmmmm again...now thats not very grown up of me
as i seek to step into this new decade with clarity and a fuller and deeper sense of honour and integrity, i must choose to make amends...you see, it is in the 'seeing' that choice arises...ah choice...one of the tools in the 'grown up' box!...so i softened into what i had discovered and felt her, the scared little girl who feels she needs to hold herself and protect herself and perhaps does not own her own sense of worth or value...what to do now? i opened up this box of wonders and pulled out, what seems for me, to be the magical implement
trust
ah yes...i invited her in...the spirit of trust...i have worked with her many many times and i forget that she is there, always there...trust softens me, drops me back, right back, into the back of my boned body...she holds me, supports me and offers me a safe container to let go into...to let it all go...trust reminds me that i dont have to hold it all myself, i dont have to worry about all the pieces fitting exactly so, and i dont have to know whats gonna happen next!...aaah the relief!
as i let myself fall into her outstretched hand, her strong and silent holding, i had a real sense that, with trust as an ally and companion to tread the streets and paths with, that anything is possible..that all the dreams one has filled to bursting in one's heart are possible, and that no matter what life has up her tricksy sleeve, that i will, and am, always be ok...
isnt that incredible? i sensed and felt that it doesnt matter what the 'outside' looks like, with trust it can all fall apart and i still wont disappear...with trust i can fall down and fuck up and i will still be held and loved...with trust i can meet you and the world just as i am, fancy four poster bed or not...with trust its not about what you bring in gifts or furs but about what you are, what i am...and that..is..enough!!
so i will take trust with me as i take another step on this path and this prayer
and i will use her as a guide and a consort as i face my life, moment by moment, never seeking to turn away in moments of challenge, or difficulty
and i will use her as a guide and a consort as i face my life, moment by moment, never seeking to turn away in moments of challenge, or difficulty
halleluyah
now where is that 'grown up' application form?...i wanna cut it up and make some hanging snowflakes ;-)
xxx
