40daysbefore40 day 3: cry baby

 what is it about tears? those watery lachrimae that fall unaided like dew drops caressing ones cheek with its roll

i cry alot

apart from once, a few years back, when feeling like i needed to cry i went out and immediately bought 'beaches'...you know, the bette midler/ barbara hershey one...2 childhood friends as different as chalk and cheese, or redheads and brunettes it seems!! years and many dramas later, the brunette gets poorly, really poorly, and dies...cue tears, many many of the droplets..oh god! bette singing 'wind beneath my wings'...am done in now, nothing to do but fall to my knees in submission to the deity of diamond eyes!!...job done..load lightened..all is well in the world once more

gypsy tears...an ex once informed me, quite seriously...are an extremely coveted and mythical item...we could sell them, bottle them at source :-)...set up our wagon and traverse gods fair lands and sinbads oceans...the answer to maiden's wishes and heroes questing...we split up...not sure who got access to that plan..i had the software so to speak, he the idea!

i got sad today, at a cinematic jaunt with lil niece...i would like to point the blame squarely on tinkerbell's shoulders...yet its probably rather cruel to accuse a 3D disney character of making you cry...its not her fault, with her impossibly big eyes, silvery sparkling wings and joyful play in the land of fairies...not to mention the heart tugging reunion with a sister and the challenges of being a winter fairy and a summer fairy and from 2 differing worlds!! ok ok so i got pretty caught up in the action on screen (is it wrong to fancy animated characters? he was the winter forest's king!!)...but even before the main film, whilst the trailers rolling with upcoming pixar blockbusters to be..ahem..rolled...the tears arrived...

now in all honesty am not completely surprised...

a)  this is the second day staying at my moms...there are 9 of us here...as  mentioned yesterday i end up feeling like am 7 again...the ole stories in my mind playing on repeat, any illusion of 'grown up sorted ness' dashed to the ground...am i alone in this paradox? adult child comes home for the festivities and somehow leaves the adult bit at the door??!...reminds me of a story i read once about jack kornfield, a wonderful jewish buddhist dude, who after having spent a considerable number of years with his teacher in burma, returns to his roots in brooklyn new york...20 years of practice? reduced to rubble in 20 minutes..welcome to the family ;-)

b)  i hardly drink anymore, well the evening port/ sherry fix to fortify my blood is a common occurence...however last nights local pub antics left me feeling pretty deranged today...

c) already, day 3, i have come up against the cocktail of thoughts that could possibly screech my flow to a mere trickle...jeez...the tumult of beliefs finding their way through the crevices of the shadows of my mind...bastards...
after posting so late last night, with all of the above part of my experience, lying in bed they began to taunt me...'that was rubbish dear!', 'run out of ideas already?', 'is that it??', 'is this enough?', 'will they like it??'....on and on pouring their vitriol and dampening my buzz...as i said..bastards...

you see the thing is, in order to engage this dance of the unknown with life itself, requires a certain amount of..oh god...letting go of the control stick...yes i had this wild plan to make a divine piece of art to show the world how inspiring i am..and lo and behold, unless i hole myself up, then life is gonna get in the way..no scrap that...life is the way..its my dealing with it thats the key...you see i realised today that, sadly, i have kinda avoided the 'messiness' of life itself...
so...this post has arisen from that insight...

i feel sad...i feel sad that i have lived in my safe pod for so many years, and that stepping out requires the dawning of this gentle truth...life is messy..it doesnt go to plan...your not the centre of everyones universe (bugger!)...its unpredictable and annoying, others can wind you up the wrong way (particularly family), it makes you feel vulnerable

aha

vulnerable

a new one for me...and yet today i feel vulnerable...i feel tender and its hard to show it..well tinkerbell saw it i think ;-)..can i dare to show this to my family? will they understand? do i need them to...

what ever happens to all the disappointment, the hurt of past failings..failing to be met, to be seen and heard...failing to honour our truth and emotions...failing to be honoured...where does that grief go??

over the last few months i feel like i am melting (a nod to the wicked witch of the east..well it is xmas ;-)  )...old hardness, learned and preserved over the years is beginning to thaw...and this thawing is pouring out thro my eyes...softening my heart...and initiating me into the exclusive club marked 'vulnerable'...even writing that word makes me sad!

at this time of letting go..of the year, of the disappointment that they still dont 'get ya', of too much activity (bear cave remember? xx), can i let go and honour the grief that my gentle heart has held for so long?..if i long to dance with the world then i need to be vulnerable, to take that risk...

and it starts with a few tears xxx

by the way...the sufis beleive that one tear equals a thousand prayers...hallelulah to that!!

lets find the appreciation of life...and so...for today i say thank you for: fairies and popcorn, my nieces, roast veg and spaghetti, teaching beautiful students, allowing my tears, medicine of this prayer and practice, my loved ones, feeling loved, breath, my belly and my feet, and for daring to be human xxx

xxx

the art of alchemy

 'tears to prayers'...print and cards available from my new etsy shop :-)

'alchemy' is one of my favourite words...like 'serendipity', 'ethereal' (which inspired my hardly ever heard guitar song about ethel real!!), and 'sumptuous', its a word that offers a whole world of whirlwind wonderings...a portal into a new layer of meaning.

traditionally alchemists were the magicians, wizards and witches of olde, their quests for turning one object into another, filled with ritual and scientific speculation, filled their days n nights with endless experimentation...the search for the elusive philosopher's stone the key anchor to their explorations...the philosopher's stone is a legendary substance said to be capable of turning base metals e.g. lead, into gold or silver...it was also sometimes believed to be an elixir of life, useful for rejuvenation and possibly for achieving immortality...for many centuries, it was the most sought-after goal in western alchemy...the philosopher's stone was the central symbol of the mystical terminology of alchemy, symbolizing perfection at its finest, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss. 

for me, the philosopher's stone is a metaphor for the potent potentiality contained within every living cell, of every living thing, be that vegetable, animal or mineral, or, that excruciatingly exquisite human creature that is you or me!

with the power of intention, the furnace of the heart, the key ingredients of authenticity, the feeling body and commitment to the process, each one of us can step into our own finely (or crudely, if that floats ya boat!) laboratory and perform, with a flourish if you prefer, a little bit of magic of our own :-)

each time we step on our mat...every moment we come to sit, open and delightfully human in meditation...with the conscious desire to embody our breath and bones on the dance floor in a dance as meditation practice...and by staying engaged and willing to follow the daimons direction as we put paint to paper, or mould clay by the gentle pulsing of our warm and alive hands...all of these practices, if the 'temperature' of that particular moment in time, and the 'key ingredients' artfully measured are in place, can connect us to the power of the alchemical process.

i had an experience of this only a few hours ago....after teaching my morning class, belly satiated and my fire fuelled with lunch, i came to my cushions to sit...simply sit...i knew i had to, you see, as lately i realise that as soon as i feel slightly 'odd', or 'not quite with it', to use some fine technical terms!, i know that i have somehow disconnected...you know, become unplugged from the source somehow, as if my wiring has gone a little askew...so, without a plan of action, i sat, breathed, and prayed...now, when i use the word 'prayer', i have to say, that its all very low key... in fact, my version of prayer, is simply, talking out loud!...there i said it...we all do it, talk to ourselves...some of us even take this private conversing out onto the streets...though they might be the kind of folk to avoid looking direct into their eyes, or on second glance, they might be talking into one of those fancy phone sets...in any case they look kinda strange!

something amazing happens when i talk out loud (or to give it its fancy name, pray!)...i hear my words, and as i hear them, and receive them, i connect with their resonance...what i mean by that, is that i can feel whether i am telling the truth about my experience, or am talking a load of baloney!!...my words touch me, with their energy and their simplicity..today, i talked about my yearnings at my heart...tears fell and as i softened into them, and offered up all i was feeling, the tenderness of my human self, something began to shift...my heart began to open, to feel expansive, and as a few more big tears emptied from the well within my heart space, and as i cleared out a little more space, i relaxed into a feeling of restfulness, of a sweet joy, and i felt a voice within repeating ''all is well''.

riding on this wave of expansion, i now sit, at a life filled coffee house, and write these words...i feel clearer, more settled, and most importantly, more alive!...something happened this afternoon, something that occurs quite frequently when i come to my practices, whether with enthusiasm and excitement, or having to pull my weary and resistant body and mind into beginning...this something? a little dose of alchemy :-)

so... i would like to offer you a little list of, what i see as, magical, alchemical moments in the life we live...enjoy!

''tears to prayers

runny egg to hardboiled

dancing, yoga, moving the body

pale skin to tanned in the sun

a walk in nature

an orgasm

scissors,glue gun, fabric and glitter

a warm hand on your back

blank canvas to a soul stirring painting

some strings, a wooden instrument and fingers

waltzers

ice to water to steam

the words 'i love you'

the words 'its over'

faces of loved ones

spanish sherry

saying 'yes'

saying 'no'

make up

egg sperm cell baby

zombies

day to night and back again

seeds, sun, water and love

a magic wand

ideas, inspiration, intention, n action 

a new choice

daring to risk

lycra

letting go

gorgeous food into fuel and shit

communicating from the heart

polaroid film

believing

love

xxx

 

springtime cleaning

spring cleaning

i have started to sell prints of my artwork on etsy.com (see side bar for a direct link)...i have not uploaded this image yet but thought i would preview its impending debut here on these pages! its not a new painting, probably about 3 or 4 years old, but it is one of my favourites. painted with acrylics, 4' x 5', the idea came about from my once constant doodling in my beloved art journal.

the woman lies with her cheek pressed against the earth, surrendering to its support, breathing with the pulse of the ground. she weeps, for what we do not know, perhaps for the burden of a life we do not comprehend, perhaps for a great loss, perhaps in sweet defeat offering her tears to the soil. she does just this, and her tears water and irrigate the thirsty earth, travelling deeper and deeper. way below the surface they gather in a pool, her tears transformed into lil skulls, their death signifying the essential transformation and the reminder that that which is shed feeds and provides nourishment for something new to arise. and so it is here, as the flowers, watered and quenched from her offerings, begin to bloom once more.