40daysbefore40 day 34: prayer, ritual of descansos, and letting go

 descansos...symbols that mark a death

am sure you may have seen, on the side of roads, here or in foreign lands, a marking point, perhaps heavily decorated with flowers, photographs, or gold, or as a simple gesture, a plain white cross, or a name painted on a rock...these mark that at that exact point a transformation had occurred, a loss, that a journey has been halted

'descansos' means 'resting places', and usually they are concerning the final resting place, the death, of a loved one...and yet, their potent symbolism can be used to mark the small deaths, 'las muertes chicitas', and the big deaths, 'las muertes granditas' that have been experienced up til this point of our journey through life

i have became fascinated by these beautiful powerful forms, and all that they represent...today, in fact, back in 1945, was the day that auschwitz was liberated by soviet troops, known all over the world as 'international holocaust remebrance day'...it seems quite a strange echo of synchronicity that i unknowingly had woken up this morning with the idea to create my own memorial pointer...not to honor those that died in unfathomable acts of inhuman suffering (and im sure that my family will have been affected somehow), but to honor those dreams, hopes, seeds, and paths never allowed to blossom...i guess in some way, the healing and releasing which i held as prayer, will also ripple down into the echoes of my ancestral line...blessings for my loved ones and for all those that were changed forever more from that horrific time in history

within this ritual, and that is how the last few hours have been held in, the arms of ritual and intention, i was starting to say goodbye, to hold and feel, to let go with an offering, to shed tears for, and to free as much as i was aware of, all that had been lost over the last decade

clarissa pinkola estes, jungian psychologist and author of the wondrous dipping into the female psyche known as 'women who run with the wolves', has this to say about the need for, if you like, emptying what needs to empty, before stepping further on one's path:

''there is a time in our lives, usually mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision, about whether to be bitter or not...women often come to this in their late 30's or early 40's...it may be the last straw!...their dreams of their 20's may be lying in a crumple. there may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises...if a woman will return to the instinctual nature instead of sinking into bitterness,she will be revivified, reborn...return to wild woman...to play...to grow. but first, there has to be a cleansing''

 now bitterness may seem like a harsh word, but perhaps the old hurts never felt, grievances still held on to, endings with lovers unclear...perhaps all of this builds up within us, creating a poison that runs through our subtle being, turning the fruit of our actions, thoughts and words, into the strange taste of bitterness...what is not cleared, or let go of at the time, for whatever reason, has a habit of hiding away within us, sneakingly putting a metaphorical spanner in the smoothly operated works of our life

so i sat, and i called in as much as was ready, all that felt unfinshed, all that had been lost and never wept for, and all the ways i had hurt others and my own precious self...i grieved for, and said goodbye to, with heart and love, songs that had never been sung; wailing that had been denied its cry; all the words that my mouth had never spoken...i cut ties with ex lovers, some of the feelings still present surprised me!...i held more, ahem, mature, endings with those that had never been honored...i said farewell to the old beliefs that had held me in fear, around being supported, allowing love in, of being enough...i said sorry to my body, for abandoning it when cut open for a hernia operation a few years back...and i asked it for forgiveness for only just beginning a friendship with it, after so many years of living, seemingly, estranged...i wept for the sorrow that my womb holds, for not creating life here, for growing a child, and for never giving birth (something i had and still have, a fascination, bordering on awe, about)...and i let go of keeping my feminine power at bay, of not trusting the soft strength that a woman holds as her light

there will be other feelings, stories that my body holds, aches from my heart and words from my mind, and callings from my soul, that i will continue to offer, at the feet of this descansos, as the week unfolds (and lets face it, i will never be empty, never fully cleansed, my body never perfect, my soul incomplete...its all part of the journey called life, and thats fine by me :-)  )

but to face those place that were too tender, too denied for far too long, feels a warrioress step to take...and i take it graciously, for my self, my parents, my ancestors and for the bloodline that runs through me

aho

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 33: gnomes, the unknown and travellers tales

 i went for a walk today...ventured outta the cocoon of the city walls and headed to lands all new and unexplored...not such a huge deal for sure...but for me this felt like a lil step into the greater path ahead...why?...well let me tell you...you see i am a fan of the known (not to be mistaken for the gnome! ;-) )...for all my yearnings and dreamings and imaginings of pastures new, i kinda like what feels familiar to me...now, its only recently that i have realised how impacted and compacted this view of my life has been

as mentioned on a previous post, i never used to be so known loving...in my younger days jaunts aplenty to obscure parts of the globe and random adventuring were the forte of the day...i am not sure what has happened, but it seems like, over the last decade, some part of me has narrowed so much (and sadly thats not my waist!!), that i am surprised my neck can turn any degrees to the side...my vision has tunnelled somehow and my sense of daring has shrivelled from lack of light, or, you might say, from lack of any attention directed its way...like an uncared for plant...

i have developed a fear of the unknown

i am pretty certain that i am not alone in this..in fact if i asked for a shout out here, we could probably gather an army to tackle together that hitherto unfamiliar path that lies a little to the side, beyond the strainings of a long ago forgotten to move cabeza...why do we fear the unknown, that which we cannot see, reminding us of shadowed spots that haunt the back and hazed out parlours of our dreams?

i was talking to a dear friend yesterday afternoon over coffee and cake (you have to do these things right!)...her and her husband had recently moved house...their new home, in her own words is a 'real house'...their old abode, much loved i might add, had inhabited them both for twenty years...she told me how, standing outside the front door for the last time, she had tears streaming down her face, only the fondest memories vying for her attention, and a great ball of doubt and 'oh what the fuck have we done?!' playing its one line song over and over in her mind...from there they ventured, limbo style, to a tea shop and suddenly she felt exhilarated, free and light beyond belief...as soon as they arrived at their new home for the very first evening, she tells me that something miraculous had happened...firstly, she instantly knew she was home...and secondly, she was amazed at how quickly and strongly she had seen her emotions and the stories and labels attached to them changing...essentially, she saw how her old fear based, clinging to, and deeply attached mind to 'this is how it is' had brought her such pain...when she let go of what she had attached to (basically the thought that their old home was the perfect place and she shouldnt have rocked the boat and made such a huge change) she freed herself from the velcro like stickiness that pulled her into misery!...yes of course there was grief, 20 years is a long time to be in relationship to some place, and our home is an intimate extension of who we are...our womb for a while ;-)...but without the story and thus fear, she saw that is was just a house, with lots of memories, but she didnt need to hold on to that...the memories are what she can take and hold, wherever she finds herself! 

oh and she no longer feels stuck..or watches any day time tv...a change is as good as a rest they say, and am guessing they might be right on that one!!

a couple of friends have over the last few months, jokingly pointed out, that it is difficult and unusual for me to leave the city centre radius...i.e. to venture further than i need to as i go about my life...tho i know these comments were made in jest, i felt myself reacting to them, there was a little 'ouch' arising, so i decided to explore this...was it true? have i holed myself up, all rapunzel like, in the tower of town, all corridors leading to no known exit?? of course i do go beyond the city gates, a visiting and working further afield, but something rings, sadly i might add, just a little too true...

you know, one of the ways i have felt my own 'stuckness' over the last few years, is in the desire to move home...whats the problem?...yeh folks jump ship all the time, and last year 3 of my close amigas did that very same thing, and it wobbled me more than a little..why cannot i jump? wheres my ship? why has this all gone a little piratey?? ;-)...it occurred to me recently the irony of wanting this new home, and the fact that i hardly travel or explore beyong my so called front door...hmmm...wierdly, and this is quite strange, there is a fear here...even though today i got a train for half an hour to a place just slightly further afield, i felt this familiar rising of fear...fear of the unknown, of getting lost, of being in danger...and with these thoughts, a deep sadness...strange hey?!...

something to share with you...about 8 years ago, whilst solo travelling, gung ho stylee, in the far east, i found myself in laos...a relatively new country for foreigners, or falang, as one is known as, to enter and peruse, and a very beautiful place too...nearing the end of a 3 month trip i was staying in a small village in the north, that seemed ever eager to offer the local delicacy, opium...so plenty of travellers were ascended on what was essentially a small little rural community

now i was not tempted by the drug of the day...frankly my dabble in opiates was satiated by some surreal and twisted tales from former travels to india...and i had not so long ago been immersed in a ten day vispassana meditation course, and i was enjoying the clarity and strength within me that was arising from my dedication to this gem...however, i was drawn by the beauty of the landscape and planned to stay for a few days...the universe is a bugger sometimes isnt it?!...it was only the eve before the incident i will share with you, that i was sat having dinner with a sweet and young female traveller, who was sharing her apprehension about travelling on her own...and there i was, spouting all this ramble that its all fine and how i had done this for years no problem!! kinda blase i feel now!...the next day, i decided to visit the nearby caves...

now i do not actually like caves...too damp and claustrophobic for me...and i have seen the movie 'the descent'...and 'the descent 2' ;-)...but i went anyways..its what ya do right?...i had as a guide this young local lad, only 15years of age, who appeared to be the unofficial tour guide for the caves...you know, bung him a lil cash at the end..and so we set off...now i am not going to go into what happened, but interestingly it was only when i realised, half way thro a cave, with only this kid and a 90 year old cave attendant as company, a million miles away from home, and with absolutely no one knowing where i was, that fear kicked in..the voice in my head yelling 'what the hell heidi!! are you taking crazy pills??!'...and it was as we started to head back 'home', and even though i had made it clear to this kid that i was married and my husband was waiting for me by the river (always have a husband ladies when travelling abroad solo..or failing that, at least a ring and a good story!), that i was attacked...

i got away...legged it as fast as i could towards where i could just make out the river and people...i had lost my glasses, and my flip flops at this point, but who gives a shit...zooming thro fields, and lost likely i suspect, destroying crops (sorry mister farmer), i only had one target in mind...to get to a place of safety! (sorry mom if ya reading this xx)...let me assure you that i was very very lucky...i wasnt harmed or raped...i know that many women have disturbing and abusive occurrences when travelling, and i know that i was blessed and got away...i am also certain that the kid, and jesus he was half my age at the time, but bloody strong, did not necessarily have any really bad intentions towards me, but still...attacking a woman, in any situation, is a no-no

its funny, but its only dawning on me as i write these words, that i wonder if energetically there is still something unresolved in my body?, some trauma held?, some fear that i am naming as that which faces me just stepping into going for a walk in nature in england, half hour down the road...hmmm..its possible i guess...

oh by the way....accompanied by a concerned tourist, we headed to report this incident to the local police...i had a bleeding lip, grazes and was shaken up...as i knew it would be, they were very dismissive, and shruggingly asking what they wanted me to do (because lets face it...wandering off alone with a boy is not appropriate behaviour...its not how they view a respectable woman in their culture...so i dont blame them for their couldnt care less attitude)...but i simply said that if he was taking folk around the caves, a similar incident might happen again, and it could get ugly...also...did they really condone this behaviour in one of their townsfolk?...so i will never know what happened to him, but i learned my lesson, not to be soo blase myself!!

i am totally aware that this has now turned into a mini series for a saturday evening and if you are still reading i hope you have a fine wine to hand ;-)...so...the unknown...i realise lately, that i am ready to face the unknown...as long as i have support...its that support that will keep me safe...and that support comes from inside of me...i have met recently a sadness around not ever having that solid feeling of support when i was young, or a little girl...that rock solid safety, that ability to melt and surrender into, that would have been a blueprint as i grew up, has been missing...i see it now...it cannot be reclaimed for that moment has gone...but i can recreate it for myself...my support is in feeling my feet on the ground; feeling my belly and heart; my contact with what is physically around me; and my own inner beloved championing me on and looking out for the scared lil girl in me...

maybe i can let go of that fear...maybe i can let go of the 'parent' hand that i know i still hold onto in a few ways in my life...maybe i can trust that if i fall down i wont disappear or collapse forever; that if i get lost as long as i find myself i will be ok; that maybe, just maybe, by letting go into the unknown, a whole new chapter will be revealed and i will be freed!

so..to those lil steps into the unknown..or that giant leap...to letting go of clinging to what no longer serves, and to putting myself into the hands of trust and faith...i face the unknown and i feel my energy rising..bring it on!!

thanks for stopping by

night night

xxx

40daysbefore40 day5: time after time

time
 (press here for a musical accompaniment to your reading)

a funny olde character

a linear projector flash style into the one way future 

travelling down from manchester via london to brighton, watching the blur of the landscape pass me by...i used to love watching that blur outta car windows when i was younger...how the known melts into an impressionists (or should that be expressionists!) palette right in front of our eyes

the present becomes a bridge, an untangible shifting bridge, between the past and the future

i was reflecting on this today..i mean after all what are long train journeys all about? stuck in a shuttle that whizzes you to destination new without having to place your dainty feet on the earth...choose your options: doze, listen to music, watch a movie on a miniscule screen, eat marks and spencers food, drink bad train coffee, entertain small children by walking up and down the aisles many many times,do your homework, write spreadsheets...maybe all of the above! ;-)

so..my preferred activity of choice was observation...i dont know about you but have you ever found yourself watching someone in deep fascination at their whole demeanour before realizing that they are looking at you uncomfortably as you seem to be projecting an air of 'wierdo stalker' onto them? time to lower the eyes possibly?? 

so watching the various forms of life my attention drawn then to the flashing fazey haze of colour of the nature scape as we hurtle into the future...ah yes..time

i began to reflect upon the necessity to mark times passage...via birthdays, anniversarys, sentences, season changes and the big one that is difficult to avoid, the end of the year and the beginning of the new...to mark any occasion is a ritual and i am big on ritual...so the end of 2012 looms

firstly hurrah the world didnt end..as someone pointed out that means we have all been given another chance...yippee!!

secondly, what does it mean to say goodbye to the year just passed? this time last year i celebrated at my teacher's on retreat in spain..one of the rituals we offered up was in taking vows to marry ourselves to our new lover '2012'...such a beautiful right of passage and a commitment to ourself in being clear as to what our side of the bargain is about!

as we approach the last few days of 2012 and as i approach the last few weeks of my 30's, i am struck by the importance of our relationship to time gone by...our past holds so much experience..events...moments of joy and delight...moments of heart break and devastation...what do we do with these moments gone by? 

i feel that is is imperative for us to move on with empty hands and an empty bowl (please sir can i have some more?) in order to be filled with the new year...and yet the only way to achieve this is by honouring what has gone before..to look squarely at the year gone by and say adios to all that has gone into the soupy stew so far

what is it you wish to say goodbye to? what are you glad to let go of? what do you need to mourn the loss of? what are you stilll carrying into the new year to follow?

there is time

let the next few days sink these questions into your sleeping cells...ask and listen..find a way to mark and celebrate all that has passed thro and with you on your path so far...

so...for the year gone by...as i start a tentative tender farewell to you..here is what i offer to be acknowledged so far:

awakened energy and fighting for my very life; spanish birthday evening, friends, cocktails, laughter, love and frolicking fun; the decision to put down the search for 'man' and concentrate on me, the relief and flood of energy, the realisation its bloody hard work putting effort and energy into this quest, and the commitment to this practice for me; spain, wild women, holy artists; deep connection to my belly, my centre and to receiving life; my shyness and my mischievous minx; transition tunnel; rodrigo y gabriela and patti smith; weekends of friends near and far; bank holiday frolics; saying goodbye to a past lover; glasgow edinburgh friends old and new; feeling stuck; my own medicine; successful retreats; veils lifting; moments of clarity and receptivity; allowing grief, hurt and disappointment to help me shed; brighton and friends; the realization its all my life, my choices, my responsibility...

so my lovelies..please feel free to share any of your year so far in the comments below..i would love to hear and witness the honoring of your years journey so far :-)

much much love

until tomorrow

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 3: cry baby

 what is it about tears? those watery lachrimae that fall unaided like dew drops caressing ones cheek with its roll

i cry alot

apart from once, a few years back, when feeling like i needed to cry i went out and immediately bought 'beaches'...you know, the bette midler/ barbara hershey one...2 childhood friends as different as chalk and cheese, or redheads and brunettes it seems!! years and many dramas later, the brunette gets poorly, really poorly, and dies...cue tears, many many of the droplets..oh god! bette singing 'wind beneath my wings'...am done in now, nothing to do but fall to my knees in submission to the deity of diamond eyes!!...job done..load lightened..all is well in the world once more

gypsy tears...an ex once informed me, quite seriously...are an extremely coveted and mythical item...we could sell them, bottle them at source :-)...set up our wagon and traverse gods fair lands and sinbads oceans...the answer to maiden's wishes and heroes questing...we split up...not sure who got access to that plan..i had the software so to speak, he the idea!

i got sad today, at a cinematic jaunt with lil niece...i would like to point the blame squarely on tinkerbell's shoulders...yet its probably rather cruel to accuse a 3D disney character of making you cry...its not her fault, with her impossibly big eyes, silvery sparkling wings and joyful play in the land of fairies...not to mention the heart tugging reunion with a sister and the challenges of being a winter fairy and a summer fairy and from 2 differing worlds!! ok ok so i got pretty caught up in the action on screen (is it wrong to fancy animated characters? he was the winter forest's king!!)...but even before the main film, whilst the trailers rolling with upcoming pixar blockbusters to be..ahem..rolled...the tears arrived...

now in all honesty am not completely surprised...

a)  this is the second day staying at my moms...there are 9 of us here...as  mentioned yesterday i end up feeling like am 7 again...the ole stories in my mind playing on repeat, any illusion of 'grown up sorted ness' dashed to the ground...am i alone in this paradox? adult child comes home for the festivities and somehow leaves the adult bit at the door??!...reminds me of a story i read once about jack kornfield, a wonderful jewish buddhist dude, who after having spent a considerable number of years with his teacher in burma, returns to his roots in brooklyn new york...20 years of practice? reduced to rubble in 20 minutes..welcome to the family ;-)

b)  i hardly drink anymore, well the evening port/ sherry fix to fortify my blood is a common occurence...however last nights local pub antics left me feeling pretty deranged today...

c) already, day 3, i have come up against the cocktail of thoughts that could possibly screech my flow to a mere trickle...jeez...the tumult of beliefs finding their way through the crevices of the shadows of my mind...bastards...
after posting so late last night, with all of the above part of my experience, lying in bed they began to taunt me...'that was rubbish dear!', 'run out of ideas already?', 'is that it??', 'is this enough?', 'will they like it??'....on and on pouring their vitriol and dampening my buzz...as i said..bastards...

you see the thing is, in order to engage this dance of the unknown with life itself, requires a certain amount of..oh god...letting go of the control stick...yes i had this wild plan to make a divine piece of art to show the world how inspiring i am..and lo and behold, unless i hole myself up, then life is gonna get in the way..no scrap that...life is the way..its my dealing with it thats the key...you see i realised today that, sadly, i have kinda avoided the 'messiness' of life itself...
so...this post has arisen from that insight...

i feel sad...i feel sad that i have lived in my safe pod for so many years, and that stepping out requires the dawning of this gentle truth...life is messy..it doesnt go to plan...your not the centre of everyones universe (bugger!)...its unpredictable and annoying, others can wind you up the wrong way (particularly family), it makes you feel vulnerable

aha

vulnerable

a new one for me...and yet today i feel vulnerable...i feel tender and its hard to show it..well tinkerbell saw it i think ;-)..can i dare to show this to my family? will they understand? do i need them to...

what ever happens to all the disappointment, the hurt of past failings..failing to be met, to be seen and heard...failing to honour our truth and emotions...failing to be honoured...where does that grief go??

over the last few months i feel like i am melting (a nod to the wicked witch of the east..well it is xmas ;-)  )...old hardness, learned and preserved over the years is beginning to thaw...and this thawing is pouring out thro my eyes...softening my heart...and initiating me into the exclusive club marked 'vulnerable'...even writing that word makes me sad!

at this time of letting go..of the year, of the disappointment that they still dont 'get ya', of too much activity (bear cave remember? xx), can i let go and honour the grief that my gentle heart has held for so long?..if i long to dance with the world then i need to be vulnerable, to take that risk...

and it starts with a few tears xxx

by the way...the sufis beleive that one tear equals a thousand prayers...hallelulah to that!!

lets find the appreciation of life...and so...for today i say thank you for: fairies and popcorn, my nieces, roast veg and spaghetti, teaching beautiful students, allowing my tears, medicine of this prayer and practice, my loved ones, feeling loved, breath, my belly and my feet, and for daring to be human xxx

xxx

down the rabbit hole

firebird woman

midsummer nearly rises to its peak once again (tho astonishingly someone forgot to tell the weather control person!!) and with the earths fire crackling and dancing i find myself echoing this deep rooted desire to burn baby burn!

now i dont mean necessarily on the disco dancefloor, tho i do have the best new shoes for the job ;-)...its just this lil itch that has been rising up my spine for ever such a while now... its an itch aflame that no doctors potion could douse.. and why the hell would i wanna put it out anyhow?!

last week i arrived back from retreat time in beautiful andalucia with my beloved teacher and dear journeying sisters still vibrating their wisdom, joy and support deep in my bones and heart...words cannot do justice to the medicine my soul receives from this work..it simply lays itself out in deepest gratitude and humility to the wonder of it all...and yet, once returning to the delights of manchester city centre (did i really say 'delights'??!) i have been feeling the integration process such a struggle...

its like i have just taken a trip down the rabbit hole as our friend alice once did, or ventured deep into the back of the wardrobe to find a new land a la narnia..the kind of doorways that once opened are hard to really dismiss and simply return to seeing the world in quite the same way once more...perception has shifted..new vision has been granted.. and magic has begun to seep its potion into our soul...

and this landing can be bumpy, tricky and confusing...'who am i?',' where am i?',' what happens now?' and, my kinda mantra this week: 'what the fuck??!!!'

to codify the words that have been playing like some existential play to an audience of one not so highly amused lil chica would probably need for me to be writing til dawn and probably losing, not just the few readers who have taken an interest in my blog (thanking you kindly ;-)), but also my mind as well.. and as i am starting to reign in the reins of chaos that have been allowed to run amok for the last week, i will not endeavour to reopen that particular chain of thought...but i will note tho, that i realise more and more how surrender and trust, with a sprinkling of patience, and a healthy dose of 'beshet' (a wonderful yiddish word i cant stop using right now...kinda translates as 'this is just how it is!'..tho has to be accompanied with a kinda jewish shrug and hand gesture that must be a gift to us of jewish blood!!) is all i need right now as i settle back into my life...i am opening in some ways to the unknown.. and the crazy thing is...i think this unknown, tho filling this lil control freak with something really to freak about, is the sweetness of a soul filled authentic life!

the image i have posted above is the result of my practice a few days ago..feeling like some kinda deranged gal, offering up myself as a prayer to that which is bigger than me, i danced and softened and opened and felt myself like a newly hatched baby bird.. all wings aflapping..yet with a firey edge.. a bit like a phoenix one might suggest.. and yet a firey phoenix energised winged creature not yet trusting letting go into flight...nearly, and yet not yet...and as i created like a dervish for the next few hours my firebird woman, i ponder the question...as i stand at this edge...'how the hell do i let go into flight??'...

to be continued...