down the rabbit hole

firebird woman

midsummer nearly rises to its peak once again (tho astonishingly someone forgot to tell the weather control person!!) and with the earths fire crackling and dancing i find myself echoing this deep rooted desire to burn baby burn!

now i dont mean necessarily on the disco dancefloor, tho i do have the best new shoes for the job ;-)...its just this lil itch that has been rising up my spine for ever such a while now... its an itch aflame that no doctors potion could douse.. and why the hell would i wanna put it out anyhow?!

last week i arrived back from retreat time in beautiful andalucia with my beloved teacher and dear journeying sisters still vibrating their wisdom, joy and support deep in my bones and heart...words cannot do justice to the medicine my soul receives from this work..it simply lays itself out in deepest gratitude and humility to the wonder of it all...and yet, once returning to the delights of manchester city centre (did i really say 'delights'??!) i have been feeling the integration process such a struggle...

its like i have just taken a trip down the rabbit hole as our friend alice once did, or ventured deep into the back of the wardrobe to find a new land a la narnia..the kind of doorways that once opened are hard to really dismiss and simply return to seeing the world in quite the same way once more...perception has shifted..new vision has been granted.. and magic has begun to seep its potion into our soul...

and this landing can be bumpy, tricky and confusing...'who am i?',' where am i?',' what happens now?' and, my kinda mantra this week: 'what the fuck??!!!'

to codify the words that have been playing like some existential play to an audience of one not so highly amused lil chica would probably need for me to be writing til dawn and probably losing, not just the few readers who have taken an interest in my blog (thanking you kindly ;-)), but also my mind as well.. and as i am starting to reign in the reins of chaos that have been allowed to run amok for the last week, i will not endeavour to reopen that particular chain of thought...but i will note tho, that i realise more and more how surrender and trust, with a sprinkling of patience, and a healthy dose of 'beshet' (a wonderful yiddish word i cant stop using right now...kinda translates as 'this is just how it is!'..tho has to be accompanied with a kinda jewish shrug and hand gesture that must be a gift to us of jewish blood!!) is all i need right now as i settle back into my life...i am opening in some ways to the unknown.. and the crazy thing is...i think this unknown, tho filling this lil control freak with something really to freak about, is the sweetness of a soul filled authentic life!

the image i have posted above is the result of my practice a few days ago..feeling like some kinda deranged gal, offering up myself as a prayer to that which is bigger than me, i danced and softened and opened and felt myself like a newly hatched baby bird.. all wings aflapping..yet with a firey edge.. a bit like a phoenix one might suggest.. and yet a firey phoenix energised winged creature not yet trusting letting go into flight...nearly, and yet not yet...and as i created like a dervish for the next few hours my firebird woman, i ponder the question...as i stand at this edge...'how the hell do i let go into flight??'...

to be continued...