40daysbefore40 day 38: gifts from this prayer n practice xxx

as the finishing line is in sight and the final few days unfurl into the big day and the end of this prayer and practice, it is time to let the ripples of wisdom filter through my bones and heart and echo out in black (red??) and white on this page...

 

what have i learned from going on this journey?

 

what gifts have been unwrapped for my delight n holding?

 

what medicine has been stirred into my soul?

 

 

so...here goes folks...all that i have knowingly received into the pearled shaped gems that i will carry in my pocket, or thread upon a fine silk to wear around my throat

 

what has surprised me more than anything, is that its what has been revealed underneath all the posts, below the stories shared and visions envisioned, the musings and outpourings, that i have been offered the alchemy...so here goes

 

'gifts from the prayer and practice of 40daysbefore40''

 

xxx

 

* that when ready to, without the how, why or where??, just begin, start, and take that first step

 

* all that i had planned flew like tumbleweed into the distance...all that i had wanted to 'do' was redundant...i had to let go...to let it go in order to keep stepping forwards...into the unknown...into what was awaiting me

 

* it is a huge responsibility and commitment to turn up each day, whether armed with fruits to share, excited, ready, or whether tired, fed up, fucked off, busy or bored...to simply strengthen the intention and turn up with a 'here i am' often opened the doorway to magic and inspiration...who knew?!

 

* i came up against my self belief woundings, my 'am i enough?', 'is this enough?' mind speak...that painful and contracting old script that squashes my soul, makes me doubt my sweet self, that dampens my fire, dims my light, and leaves me seeking your approval and permission...i hold this place gently, breathing heart love and kindness, and seeking to soften its hold on my path

 

* i got lost...lost my way, strayed from my original intention...needed to go back, right back, and re connect with that anchor...and that was enough to veer me home again, to see how my expectation filled mind was looking out, checking stats and comments, swayed by 'you' dear reader, when this was for me...and with that knowing i found my way back to 'here i am' again!

 

* and that yes...goddamit...i  am still ego hooked into seeking approval!...oh well...here's to being human, to being honest, and to not judging myself so harshly

 

* that it actually doesnt matter what i say, or do, or 'show and tell' your way! that will never 'fill' me...its about softening to receive you, life and love..to let it in...to let it touch me so that i open deeper and deeper into the infinite offerings of the whole wide universe..its all there...it always has been :-)

 

* i am a sweet girl...as much as i wanted to 'shock' you and be 'naughty' and 'wild', actually that is not who i am...this has shown me that my authentic self is not that way...she's softer, with a good heart, a 'nice' gal...i see her, and her shyness, her seriousness, her awkward dance into a beautiful life...i see her mischievous ways, and playful nature, and i bow to her...to my self...and to the mirror that has shown me my face xx

 

* i have loved writing...enjoyed immensely playing with words...a gift...and i am grateful

 

* i have been touched by other's words offered back in response...hearing how brave i am...how my words have resonated and inspired...have mirrored truths unspoken and not dared voiced...i receive shyly these gifts and say...'thank you'...from the bottom of my heart xx

 

* i have had to be 'here', present, awake and alive in order to respond to each day and my engagement with it...i see how by being so wrapped up in my own head's whirl, i miss out on life, on the strange perplexity, beauty and ordinary wonders, that are happening all about me, all the time...if i drop my story and lift my head to the world as it is, i see how that is the relationship, that is the dynamic dance that is possible all the time, if i allow it...if i am truly willing...and i see how sometimes i am not...tired, busy, stressed, over stimulated...sometimes i need to go inwards...to live inside for a while, until i feel ready to pop my head out again...a cycle...like all of life's creatures :-)

 

* without realising it, this practice has felt like a cleansing...an emptying and clearing out day by day...a confessional...a prayer...an offering of all that i can name and acknowledge...and i have been amazed at how light i have felt...how playful...even when struck by the humdrum human blues, or feeling off kilter or sad...underneath has been this blanket of clarity...and for that i kiss the earth in gratitude xx

 

* i have said 'yes' to opportunities i might not have dared to before...i have stretched myself and found a renewed sense of energy by doing so...i have risked to make connection with others, and although scary, i have felt enlivened and alive, joyful and excited, and i have wanted to do it all again (some of this never made its way on here...well...not this time anyways :-) )

* i have met my edges...my need for support; for knowing i am ok as i am; for putting too much expectation on myself; and for seeking perfection and the disappointment that arises as i 'fail' to rise there; for meeting 'am i allowed?' and 'what will they think?'; i have met my fear, and the part of me that grows small and gives her power away...i see them all, as they crinkle and scratch at my insides...and i choose to greet them all with softness and love (well..lets be honest here...when i am willing to shall we say ;-) )

* that it is brave to expose oneself in this way...brave and risky to be so vulnerable...and that, actually, its ok...it feels real!

* that i have a rich and wonderful life full of beautiful people...i am loved...i am abundant...and i have learnt (or beginning to) to appreciate and value my life...i am incredibly blessed :-)

* and i realise, that in answer to my oft moaned question of 'are we there yet??' that perhaps, just maybe...that 'there' is really 'here'...and so, yes, we are!...and whatever 'here, there and everywhere' offers, it is a gift in itself

* i also know that there is probably, most likely, just underneath my seeing, much more medicine that will seep through, like blotting paper, to further enrich my life...only time will tell xxx

deepest gratitude and appreciation 

xxx

40daysbefore40 day 18: make today matter

 

make today matter

and did you?

you see each and every day is a new canvas, a new potential for a differing path...we look out at the world with eyes seemingly samed each day...we see the life we live with the story lined script given to us many moons ago, and how often we sigh wearily as we clothe ourselves with the familiar costume of the well worn character to take our x marked ear marked place on the staged set we call our life

and yet it doesnt have to be this way...we can change the rules, bend them ever so slightly off kilter and edit the worn out script...we can rub our tired eyes awake with the promise of a new perspective, the eyes of the innocent..what does she see?

you see, one of the gifts of this 40 day practice, has been what you dont know my dears...behind the scenes, in the wings awaiting, is the glue that binds this prayer in place...i realise more and more that to be open to receive each day and respond appropriately means that i cannot step outta my flat with olden eyes to view the paving stones, the concrete grey beneath my feet...its interesting but i have to stay innocent, alive, awake to each moment, to notice every player as they saunter, skulk or sulk shadily past, how they move, what they say without their words...i notice the light, the edges of planes before invisible to my half lazy sight...conversations caught in my net to be mulled over, smiled at and forgotten into memory...and the question, the seeking, the openness to what each of you may offer to me as i offer myself out to you

and i am always surprised

its like i need to get outta my own way in order for the feast that is life to be revealed

this practice is teaching me that to hide away in the burlop of my knotted mind is kinda selfish, sort of misses the point, and is wholly useless if i seek to truly and passionately find the holiness of the day...

what a gift!

and so...

today has been a magic filled day:

of possibilities new

of 'yes-es' to the great void of no knowing

of daring to jump in with a hop n a skip into stretching a lil more

of old friends with wide smiles and laughter, of 'nice guy discounts' and ruined reputations, of film ideas and kick starting the revolution creative style! 

of sitting and stillness and shaking vibrations

of rats tales and lands of fairy stories, macabre performance and delights for the soul's memories

of sisterhood and silliness

of flocks of birds asleep in a bare boned tree in the midst of the city night's whirl

of gifted buns

of lounges new, creaking golden doors, and the voluptuous other world all moulin rouge and vampire haunts, of gratuitous membership and sweet hostess's

of familiar love, young boys of a carefully cropped shorn nature, smiles and faces worn by time

of found treasured words when are eyes are open...to remind us...

always it is possible...

to...

 ''make today matter''

and so...did you my friend?

xxx