40 days before 40 day 1...dare you journey with me?

 ''40daysbefore40''

a project by

moi

heidi chadwick

 ok yeah...i know its not perfectly executed in a kinda stylish luc besson way; neither does it have the thrilling tension of a hitchcock tail; nor the edgy black one sided grin of a tarantino flick...but its my first lil movie..and its done...and jesus christ!! (yes you again!!) you have no idea how many hours HOURS i have been trying to put this together, film it, download, compress..etc...wheres this gals brandy pronto senor! ;-)

(a lil recap of the video above :-)  )

evenin' all...and a happy birthday shout out to that renegade anarchic doing it his way jesus...

  its not long to mine now...

40 days to be exact :-)...so may i present to you kind and curious viewer...

drum roll please!!!

a project that this procrastinating perfectionist has said 'yeehah' to and knowingly, committedly stepped her dancing feet into xx

you see, i have been dreaming recently (well we are in the dreamtime winter slumber where our bear cave dwelling ancestors would gather and share stories, take long naps and huddle by the fire :-) )...i long to step out into life more deeply, to risk and dare to offer my sweet heart and luminous soul...

to share my self, to dare to say yes despite fear raging and pulling me into hiding, to take a risk to look stupid or, god forbid, get it wrong...i yearn to walk into the unknown, to dance over the lines, and jumo into the dark '?' of the unknown...its been coming along time folk, and with the looming gateway into a new decade its time to gently wake up and knock knock knock on the spider webbed window of the cocoon!

but wait a moment...this is a practice, a prayer and i want to feel each and every moment..to be alive and awake and responsive and recieve..otherwise whats the point!?...so...its gonna be a journey of lil steps...exploring risk and courage, trust and faith, fear and disappointment...ooh incidentally i very nearly had no film to offer you this eve..i felt the disappointment, i voiced it, and you know what? i was about to give up when lo and behold the universe kissed my brow and....well...here we are :-)

so..heres the key...

each day i will commit to offering a post, whether in film, photo, art, words, musings or by any other such means (carrier pidgeon? telepathy??)

i might not make it..the 40 days thing..but i will try my hardest!

it might be boring or twee..what feels like a daring step to take might fall short of your standards..sorry, but im doing it my way...in my own time..dancing to the beat of my own rhythm xx

yet i want you to be a part of this adventure to..any comments, or sharings please divulge...any suggestions then gladly..erm..suggest away!..any love, it would be a pleasure to receive xx

so..i will leave you with this today (by the way this first post is meant to be on christmas day!)..hey..i wont tell if you wont! xxx

so...day 1 of the '40 days before 40' project..and my first dare is to begin..

i have BEGUN

xx

the hardest step they say :-)

til manana dear ones

in gratitude for all your support

xxx

 

ways to open the heart number 718!!!!

you know those phrases, those 'cliches' which however much they make you grit ya teeth with a lil rise of irritation, somehow, somewhere within hold the pulse of truth?? well, i have been rolling the following round n round in my mind for the last few weeks now....'if at first you dont succeed, try and try and try again'...along with these words, there are countless phrases that i have read over the years pertaining to the fact that, well, if we make a mistake, or fail, or 'it' goes wrong, then simply acknowledge this, the feeling of disappointment, the hurt, the 'aaawww!!", and when ready, start over once more!

allowing ourselves to fuck up n get it wrong is the path of the, as my teacher would call it, 'recovering perfectionist', the letting go of the reins of control, and loosening up the 'how to's' somehow....its the path of humanness, and the path of taking risks over n over again to walk amongst the living..important for us human beings, less so for the zombie-kind!! ;-)

i have been allowing myself to tip toe tenderly deeper into the pool of the unknown recently, and in doing so, have been facing the slightly 'ouch' creature called disappointment....when i sit with her, i notice her hues and harmonies..slightly off key, she speaks of the torn within me, the ache of the hollow...she sits in the centre of my chest and tears a lil hole in the wholeness of my heart...i want to avoid her, and for many years i did just that very thing...but, in my quest to open more to life, and the softening to let life in to touch me, i am meeting her more fully, possibly for the first time...

i long to know her, what makes her tick, what makes her ticked off, and what can tickle her to shift n shake her tail feather into something richer...i know by avoiding 'meeting' her, i avoid, and turn away from an essential part of the very nature of human life...to risk is to take the chance that we may get disappointed. full stop. and quite frankly, unless we walk around in a cloudy shroud of delusion, the chances are we will meet her somewhere, sometime...in the dance of relationship, in the corridors of our ambitions and desires, in the throes of family n friendships, and in the day to day unravelling of the ordinary.

i am reminded of how thomas edison, inventor of the light bulb, only had the patent for that particular invention approved after something like 70 or 80 odd other ideas had been rejected!! or that abraham lincoln suffered many a defeat both politically and professionally before becoming president. n if i recall correctly, a certain young jack nicholson was told he couldnt act so give it up!!! i am sure there are countless tales in a similar vein..and yet one thing stands out...they all carried on despite, or maybe even because of those defeats and dis-beliefs, and proved that by continuing to take the risk, to have faith in their dream, anything was possible!

so..taking solace from these stories of fellow human kind, i choose to honour the meeting of disappointment, to welcome her and her gifts, and as i keep softening into all that life offers, remember the words of this beautiful Rumi poem:

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.