40daysbefore40 day5: time after time

time
 (press here for a musical accompaniment to your reading)

a funny olde character

a linear projector flash style into the one way future 

travelling down from manchester via london to brighton, watching the blur of the landscape pass me by...i used to love watching that blur outta car windows when i was younger...how the known melts into an impressionists (or should that be expressionists!) palette right in front of our eyes

the present becomes a bridge, an untangible shifting bridge, between the past and the future

i was reflecting on this today..i mean after all what are long train journeys all about? stuck in a shuttle that whizzes you to destination new without having to place your dainty feet on the earth...choose your options: doze, listen to music, watch a movie on a miniscule screen, eat marks and spencers food, drink bad train coffee, entertain small children by walking up and down the aisles many many times,do your homework, write spreadsheets...maybe all of the above! ;-)

so..my preferred activity of choice was observation...i dont know about you but have you ever found yourself watching someone in deep fascination at their whole demeanour before realizing that they are looking at you uncomfortably as you seem to be projecting an air of 'wierdo stalker' onto them? time to lower the eyes possibly?? 

so watching the various forms of life my attention drawn then to the flashing fazey haze of colour of the nature scape as we hurtle into the future...ah yes..time

i began to reflect upon the necessity to mark times passage...via birthdays, anniversarys, sentences, season changes and the big one that is difficult to avoid, the end of the year and the beginning of the new...to mark any occasion is a ritual and i am big on ritual...so the end of 2012 looms

firstly hurrah the world didnt end..as someone pointed out that means we have all been given another chance...yippee!!

secondly, what does it mean to say goodbye to the year just passed? this time last year i celebrated at my teacher's on retreat in spain..one of the rituals we offered up was in taking vows to marry ourselves to our new lover '2012'...such a beautiful right of passage and a commitment to ourself in being clear as to what our side of the bargain is about!

as we approach the last few days of 2012 and as i approach the last few weeks of my 30's, i am struck by the importance of our relationship to time gone by...our past holds so much experience..events...moments of joy and delight...moments of heart break and devastation...what do we do with these moments gone by? 

i feel that is is imperative for us to move on with empty hands and an empty bowl (please sir can i have some more?) in order to be filled with the new year...and yet the only way to achieve this is by honouring what has gone before..to look squarely at the year gone by and say adios to all that has gone into the soupy stew so far

what is it you wish to say goodbye to? what are you glad to let go of? what do you need to mourn the loss of? what are you stilll carrying into the new year to follow?

there is time

let the next few days sink these questions into your sleeping cells...ask and listen..find a way to mark and celebrate all that has passed thro and with you on your path so far...

so...for the year gone by...as i start a tentative tender farewell to you..here is what i offer to be acknowledged so far:

awakened energy and fighting for my very life; spanish birthday evening, friends, cocktails, laughter, love and frolicking fun; the decision to put down the search for 'man' and concentrate on me, the relief and flood of energy, the realisation its bloody hard work putting effort and energy into this quest, and the commitment to this practice for me; spain, wild women, holy artists; deep connection to my belly, my centre and to receiving life; my shyness and my mischievous minx; transition tunnel; rodrigo y gabriela and patti smith; weekends of friends near and far; bank holiday frolics; saying goodbye to a past lover; glasgow edinburgh friends old and new; feeling stuck; my own medicine; successful retreats; veils lifting; moments of clarity and receptivity; allowing grief, hurt and disappointment to help me shed; brighton and friends; the realization its all my life, my choices, my responsibility...

so my lovelies..please feel free to share any of your year so far in the comments below..i would love to hear and witness the honoring of your years journey so far :-)

much much love

until tomorrow

xxx

little step by little step

happy new year dear ones and welcome to 2012...the year of possibilities, of love, of taking steps into the unknown, and of living each moment with passion, creativity, delight and a sprinkling of 'ooh la la!' (well..these are my wishes for the year ahead :-) !)

so we are at this time again when the year ahead beckons invitingly with its blank pages, the images we draw, paint, scribble and invoke as yet to become clear..a little like those magic markers we used to play with in our childhood years!

and just as we crawl outta bed on the new side of the year, our lists of intentions become once more of pleading importance for our future self..maybe this year we will change this behaviour, maybe this year we will let go effortlessly, maybe this year, just like that, we will step into a brand new 'me'

and yet, as the fog of the festive season begins to lift, and the reality of another monday morning dawns, all is the same, and nothing has magically shifted in the wee hour of the witch (which apparently is between 4 and 5 a.m.!)

bugger!!

but before you sigh in resignation and the wonder of whether next year will bring about the seemingly impossible lets take heart and seek a lil deeper understanding from mister patanjali himself (the 'father' of modern yoga, and the scribe of the yoga sutras)...and lets start at the very beginning of the 8 fold noble path of yoga...

in brief, patanjali likened the different practices of yoga, to a tree, with each branch neither more or less important to another...these 8 'limbs', are: yama (worldly observances), niyama (self observances), asana (postures), pranayama (control of energy, prana, through the breath), pratyahara (drawing inwards away from the outward sensory experiences), dharana (concentration on a chosen object), dhyana (meditation, or total absorption with that object) and samadhi (a state of oneness, or, enlightenment).

most of western yoga, and i say this with equal concern as well as respect, chooses to concentrate on asana, or postures, as the 'main' aspect of yoga practice, and yet patanjali hardly offers much guidance in this area..however, for the purposes of this post, i want to focus curiousity on the first limb, yama.

'yama' is often descibed as a 'restraint of...' certain behaviours..almost a list of should nots...the 5 yamas mentioned in the sutras are: non-harming, non-lying, non-stealing, non-abuse of our sexual energy, and non-grasping....yet why does he not just say 'be kind, be truthful etc...'?...surely thats what he means?

and yet, it is precisely the wording of this list that shows us exactly how we can work with these 'intentions', for that is what they feel to me to represent...intentions..just like what we all make at the beginning of every new year...with all the wishing in our hearts and bones to be kind, to be honest, to be living in a state of graceful flow, we are simply human, and to jump from one way of behaving straight into another does not bode well, and ususally does not last long...so what patanjali suggests, and im so with him on this one, is to take one lil step by lil step at a time...so instead of suddenly becoming the most honest person in all of manchester, for instance, start the practice of non-harming gently....

first, we need to notice each time we go to 'harm' either ourselves, or each other, through our thoughts and words and actions...we need to begin by cultivating the witness aspect of the self, to observe when we 'fall down' into that particular habit pattern..we may still do so for a long time, but we start to notice this more...and then comes a time when we realise we have a choice, either we react in the old way, or we can choose, just in that moment, to respond differently...each time we do so we start to create a new pattern, one more in line with our hearts and higher self...

its not enough just to quickly change behaviour...most of the time it isnt the actual 'behaviuor' we need to address, but the underlying reason for doing it in the first place...perhaps, as we appraoch each choice with awareness, we may find that underneath, we meet our loneliness, or hatred, or sadness...normal human emotions, but ones we chose to cover over long ago with those exact patterns we want to change

i realise i have written a goddamn essay here, and those of you still reading i offer gratitude for your interest in these words...before i sign off though, something else about the word 'yama'...Yama is also in hindu mythology, the god of death....and it is exactly this dying of our ego patterns that happens when we begin to practice the yamas...as we slowly and gently shed the leaves, and maybe one day the root of certain habits, we are transformed and more energy becomes available to us.

so, be gentle with yourself..have compassion for your journey, and remember, lil step by lil step is the way.

blessings, love and joy to you

xxx