intimacy

its september...2:28am...a hot bubbling bath awaits with expectant innocence of my arrival...and yet...this blog lures me to its portal where my tapping fingers creates who knows what...ahhh..am in a deeper space...that late night..dark sky...no time...no cares...kinda limbo place i dearly cherish...at this hour it feels like time stands still for me...bringing a chance to catch up with my self...my self that i have been busily ignoring for a few days...busily distracted by work n play...

do you know what? something strange is happening...strange because lil cracks seem to be appearing in the well worn story of my mind...the story? the fabled tale with the same twisted ending each time i recall it?..yeah that one...its the story of 'what i want'....hmmm...what i want hey?...i thought i knew what i wanted...and yet... right now..i dont know anymore..something has shifted..something is shifting..and i aint got a clue whats going down!

geez...a sombre posting sweet heart...maybe..maybe not...when i first decided to blog it was for 2 reasons...the first is that i needed a website for the 'alchemy of the arts' events...and secondly, more personally, it was to take my writing, n crazy musing, outta the lonely solace of my journals, and out into the grand big wide open world!...why?...well..and this is part of whats a changin for me...let me tell you a story...

once upon a time (oh come on, everyone likes a story that starts with those words!)...once upon a time a slightly sparkly n rather shy girl took her steps of independence from the world of family n out into the cemented streets of the world..well ok..manchester..

generally quite alarmed by the presence of most folk who crossed her path, n perplexed by the human game most of the time, she found a way to make it look like she was a part of the show...yes she became a yoga teacher, and yes she wandered the world and treaded her red earthed coated feet onto shores exotic and new, and she had a variety of dalliances with an assortment of strange n beautiful creatures, and she had friends and a place to live and looked like every other human bean that walked the streets (tho she was always fabulously dressed..that has to be said!)...

she was holding a secret close to her heart...a secret that meant she didnt have to touch the world fully...a secret that meant, in turn, that the world couldnt touch her fully either...what was this secret?...well, its very simple...she had a veil..a walled veil over her heart...a veil so fine that it was almost imperceptible to the human eye..and yet so tough, like the hardest skin of a leather coated animal primed to never ever be dented by the sharpest of blows!

fine..she thought...fine

and yet it wasnt....fine that is...far from it...she felt separate, isolated and the once revered title of outsider that she had made her own wildly n proudly, felt a poor substitute for the deepest desire she held inside...the desire my darlings..was for intimacy..

intimacy..

into me you see...is one way a friend once broke this word down for me...into me you see..gee..really??..yikes!...

so starting this blog was this shy girls step of lifting the veil..of peeking her face out from beneath...of saying...'this is me'...i have often struggled with the question of how much do i share?...how much should i share??...now i feel like fuck it!..i will share whatever i want to...take the risk...offer myself as i am...take it or leave it...here i am...well...tentatively..slowly...one step of my pointed studded boots at a time!

and yet...this last few years has seen my practices deepen...my intimacy with my own body, its stories, its hurt, its joys...the power of movement...the deep shamanic wisdom of the creative arts...its shifting me...rearranging me...and the little veil is beginning to crack...little cracks...yet, as leonard cohen would say, 'the cracks are where the light gets in'...

as i engage more intimately with my sweet n tender self...i feel the threads between myself n the world tighten..as the journey towards deepening intimacy with the world continues, my 'what do i want' no longer makes sense...

'what do i want?'...right now..in this new n fragile place..i do not know... maybe i dont need to know...maybe as this new awareness grows all will become clear...

signing out...wishing you sweet dreams

thank you for 'seeing into me' x