love

the true meaning of love is to stay with. i have been thinking of this lately. how it relates to our yoga practice: staying with the edge, the challenge in a difficult posture, the challenge of a whirlwind mind. to love our self means to stay with our self, like a good friend not leaving our side, but holding us close and whispering words of comfort and support tenderly in our ear. when we stay with ourself we no longer abandon our self, our inner child, like we may have chosen to do many times before, in a blind panic, in not knowing what to do, or how to make it better.

when life is so painful it is easier to turn away. when our heart aches it is easier to look away. anything is easier than feeling the pain, than owning the suffering. so turn away we do, so many ways, like a carnival, to distract us. here are some of my favourites: tv, too loud music so i can no longer hear my self think, cleaning the flat, reading, surfing the net for hours, wild night out, disconnect from feeling my body, and the one i am most skilled at, being ridiculously busy!

yet, i know that each time i turn away from my self, from staying with my self, from loving my self, i am breaking my own heart, i am betraying the only one who will travel with me until my last breath out.and so i have made a commitment recently, to keep turning back, to fully notice when i just have to look away for a while, and then gently, so gently, find my way back, to holding my own hand, shyly, softly, no words needed, no apology, no guilt. simply sitting besides my self once more fully feeling all that is moving through me.

and believe me, sometimes this takes great strength, a great warrior heart, yet it is the only way.

if i love my self, i choose to stay, no matter what, until the bitterness of my pain turns into the sweetest blossom my heart could ever hold, and i know that a new day is finally dawning upon me and my beloved self.