welcome
to the time of the year for letting go dear ones...the first harvesting, the
time for re-assessment, and the brave acknowledgment of where, just maybe, we
are getting in the way of it all goddamit!!!...a leap into the unknown,
dropping the old mind, the old ways, and shaking things loose, all clears us
ready to be filled anew for the journey towards the dark of the year :-)
the
following quote, by the ever wise, ever inspiring pema chodron, has captured my
attention this week and has been resonating and vibrating its wisdom through my
bones...
''By
not knowing, not hoping to know and not acting like we know what's happening,
we begin to access our inner strength''
hmmm...not
knowing hey?!...interesting as i have found that over the last few months a
certain thought has been playing on repeat like a scratched vinyl record in my
mind...''how do i do it!!''..or sometimes its cousin chimes in...''i dont know
how to do it!!''...the key being the word 'how', and the belief that somehow
it's 'i' that needs to, well, 'do it!' (whatever it is..lets say for arguements
sake we will call 'it', 'life itself')...so, armed ready and willing to step
deeper into the dance of life i feel like i stall at the first gateway...you
see, as many of you might relate, i am one of those folk that, you might say,
has the tiniest issue with being in control...i mean ever so slightly of
course, needing everything and everyone to fit into my vision of how it should
be!...i seem to hold this cherished idea of how life should be, what happens
next, how you must behave, and woe betide if plans dont match mine!!...dont get
me wrong, im no tyrant (at least i dont think i am and i am pretty sure that
someone might have sat me down and pointed that out if so), but my need to
control all aspects of my life means i need to 'know'...how, when, why, what
etc...in fact the whole damn gamut!!...you see the more i am in control, the
more, i have always believed, i am 'safe'...safe and secure from the
uncertainties of life..those ghastly uncertainties that can truly mess up a
chica's best made clipboard holding plans!!...gulp!
what
i realise recently, and this came to me quite starkly in a recent meditation,
is that by needing to know and control pretty much every aspect of my life
doesnt leave any space for the magic, mystery and manifestation to
appear..none...nada...zilch...gulp again!!...and in fact, its exactly these uncertainties
that hold the key to life's mystery, magic and...erm...manifestations!...so,
all those years of holding on tightly and putting everything into a box marked
'this is how it should be', has meant narrowing the tunnel of life's flow, just
letting a trickle through, when a whole goddamn ocean of myriad delights has
been passing me by!...bummer!!
not
knowing hey?...shit thats scary!
you
see, my old way had its reasoning folk...if i knew exactly how it was going to
be then i could 'protect' myself...i could support myself and ensure that the
troublesome experience of an unpredictable life couldnt hurt me, or disappoint
me...and yet though this may be true i was in fact living in a separate little
bubble...disconnected and certainly not deeply in relationship to life (which
ironically i have been seeking and yearning for for many years)...you see, its
this relationship to life, when we get outta the way of 'knowing' how it should
be, tho filled with uncertainty, hurt, disappointment and chaos, also holds
deep joy, love, connection, and the richness of human vulnerable
engagement...its a whole spectrum of colours!
which
brings me to the key 'friend' here...that as we drop a little more, putting
down the clipboard, the plans, the 'how to's' and 'know hows', emptying our
hands, unburdening our shoulders, hearts and mind, and offering ourselves into
the spacious chasm of the gateway marked '??'...reach out your hand and ask for
faith...as all the old false foundations of 'safety' come falling down, hold her
hand tight and feel her support...we wont crumble and disappear...we cant lose
ourselves if we feel our feet n bellies n heart...and we cant get lost if we
ask her to guide and hold us...faith is our friend and the hand to rest into as
we head out far far beyond the gateway marked 'unknown' xxx
as
mister george michael said in one of his 80's moments
'i
gotta have faith...!'
Finally
I leave you with the words of rumi…a reminder of how to respond to life from a
place of faith and not knowing xxx
‘sell
your cleverness, and buy bewilderment’
Ho!
x
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