40daysbefore40 day 2: blank canvas and empty spaces

 yesterday, finding myself alone on xmas day..wait..hold the violins no stringed weeping needed...a choice, a curious venture to see the city streets anew, as if for the first time, awakening a la 28 days later, void of sound and the fluxed feet of flocking hither n wither to a to b and back again...

 

rain falling flash flooding calling n recalling noahs quest..ark time my dears?...empty streets, ghost town, life on pause for a single moments breath...

seeking the space, between the concrete edges of the linear blocks where 9 to 5 reigns supreme..apart from one day of the year...how did it feel? honestly? kinda the same, yet quieter!! 

you see...expectation is a crazy fool...a mind filled full of this is how its gonna be lets ya down...eyes half jaded and made up...i wonder...is it possible to begin a new journey, a fresh canvas, a blank slate of music awaiting to be born armed with a santa ;-) sack of preconceptions?..i fear not...let it go...dont pretend...arm yaself with the innocence of a child eager to say hello to the day that waits unexpected and brand spankingly afresh :-)

whats that gotta do with day 2?...here it is: family time, post xmas dinner, nieces small and mermaids; presents; struggling to remain present; champagne (or 2 or 3...); speaking overlapping symphony of disharmonics; feeling like am 7 again; tickly necks and broken plates; pub with sis n bro; several jack n gingers later (thats daniels n ale to you my friend xx); laughter; dancing to REM; pizza; joint n horror movie awaiting; where am i? who am i? what became of her?? falling into family net and letting myself drop drop drop..for now...and here i am...

am not perfect however much i try to be...facades crash down n in in the tumle drier of close ones...lil moments of heart n surrendering to the now

adios amigos

until manana

xxx

40 days before 40 day 1...dare you journey with me?

 ''40daysbefore40''

a project by

moi

heidi chadwick

 ok yeah...i know its not perfectly executed in a kinda stylish luc besson way; neither does it have the thrilling tension of a hitchcock tail; nor the edgy black one sided grin of a tarantino flick...but its my first lil movie..and its done...and jesus christ!! (yes you again!!) you have no idea how many hours HOURS i have been trying to put this together, film it, download, compress..etc...wheres this gals brandy pronto senor! ;-)

(a lil recap of the video above :-)  )

evenin' all...and a happy birthday shout out to that renegade anarchic doing it his way jesus...

  its not long to mine now...

40 days to be exact :-)...so may i present to you kind and curious viewer...

drum roll please!!!

a project that this procrastinating perfectionist has said 'yeehah' to and knowingly, committedly stepped her dancing feet into xx

you see, i have been dreaming recently (well we are in the dreamtime winter slumber where our bear cave dwelling ancestors would gather and share stories, take long naps and huddle by the fire :-) )...i long to step out into life more deeply, to risk and dare to offer my sweet heart and luminous soul...

to share my self, to dare to say yes despite fear raging and pulling me into hiding, to take a risk to look stupid or, god forbid, get it wrong...i yearn to walk into the unknown, to dance over the lines, and jumo into the dark '?' of the unknown...its been coming along time folk, and with the looming gateway into a new decade its time to gently wake up and knock knock knock on the spider webbed window of the cocoon!

but wait a moment...this is a practice, a prayer and i want to feel each and every moment..to be alive and awake and responsive and recieve..otherwise whats the point!?...so...its gonna be a journey of lil steps...exploring risk and courage, trust and faith, fear and disappointment...ooh incidentally i very nearly had no film to offer you this eve..i felt the disappointment, i voiced it, and you know what? i was about to give up when lo and behold the universe kissed my brow and....well...here we are :-)

so..heres the key...

each day i will commit to offering a post, whether in film, photo, art, words, musings or by any other such means (carrier pidgeon? telepathy??)

i might not make it..the 40 days thing..but i will try my hardest!

it might be boring or twee..what feels like a daring step to take might fall short of your standards..sorry, but im doing it my way...in my own time..dancing to the beat of my own rhythm xx

yet i want you to be a part of this adventure to..any comments, or sharings please divulge...any suggestions then gladly..erm..suggest away!..any love, it would be a pleasure to receive xx

so..i will leave you with this today (by the way this first post is meant to be on christmas day!)..hey..i wont tell if you wont! xxx

so...day 1 of the '40 days before 40' project..and my first dare is to begin..

i have BEGUN

xx

the hardest step they say :-)

til manana dear ones

in gratitude for all your support

xxx

 

yoga and art offerings xxx

 

for the last few months i have been doodling some lil sketches and musing some words to accompany them...i am delighted to offer an alternative seasonal/ festive card for your loved ones...each cream card is printed with one of my original drawings, and comes packaged with a matching envelope and sealed in a plastic cover...the great bonus is that once received, there is no need to throw away or recycle...simply frame your little print and you have your own piece of yoga and wisdom inspired artwork!...magic!!

i offer the cards individually (2.50 pounds), or as a set of 5 (10 pounds), or how about 20, some for you and some to send out :-)...this latter option is at 18 pounds

to order simply list the quantity and alphabet letter e.g. 2 x B, 1 x F, 3 X G etc...easy peasy xx

i also offer a range of prints and little handmade books...you choose the design and i will craft it for you...lovely for a little gift of inspiration to carry around in your purse....these handmade books are 7 pounds each, or 2 for 12 pounds

for further browsing click here :-)

please do not hesitate to get in contact for any further info or just simply to say 'hola' 

thank you for your support

xxx

 

falling with grace

 falling

to fall

to drop effortlessly gliding down down to play the weighted game of gravity's surf...no more holding on..no need..it is time...time to let go..to let it go...nothing more is needed now, thank you for your service, hang up your pinny on the way out and put down that endless list that never got tick tocked off...

all we have to do is breathe...breathe out and with the sigh flees all that is ready...ready to fly the nest, nested for ages old within waiting, just awaiting for the lil inner bird call that sweetly tweets 'its time'...a bare whisper that bares all thats needs to be known...'its time'..at the door, all packed up with an empty suitcase, tickets in hand, one way, way down, or up, or in a kinda helter skelter wind blown autumn laughter in the park way..it doesnt really matter, noone minds...its all a dance

letting go...the sweet toothed surrender into the empty place...ready to be dissolved into the next adventure...

letting go...of the grip that grips great tightness...through the veils..like the gossamer scarves of the mysterious gypsy siren..one by one they fall...like the shining scaled scales of the sacred dragon, felt fear finally fated, softened through prayer and tears, through love and tender holding, until they fall one by one, flinted petals until only bare flesh, nay, the translucence of pulsing life is left standing..raw to the touch, new born, oh so innocent and ancient in its stories...

like alice who fell down that hole and was never the same again...theres no choice..when you hear the whisper 'its time'...

fall 

falling

with grace..with hands held with love and knowing and breath and angels and faith and trust and tenderness and the knowing that the call is the call to the surrender of the old life

wait in line...dance in line...and like the leaf...when the time comes wear your snazziest most spark flame popping hue

time to surrender..give up give in to the call...call to arms, to arm with wings that which needs to lay to rest..marked forever by descansos, by memory, by time, by crossroads of moments collected and collated in the giant map of marvellous things... 

why hold on...from our grubby fingers let go...let go...let go...as we empty lightness comes..as we empty lift off inevitable...all the feathers of the feathered pillow pillowed fought out...empty case, cotton and fresh and filled with where we laid our heads..and yet the carpet fills with feathers, of a creature not yet formed but waiting to take shape, in the dark shadows of the dawn light

fall with grace

its the only way to go

aho

xxx 

new illustrations xxx

 

''she wished she had never told the unicorn that is was rude to point''....print of original illustration available here

''while she was taking a siesta, little fish with sharp teeth ate her tail''....print of original illustration available here

oh what joy! rediscovering the wondrous possibilities of a wandering fine tipped pen and a mind given free rein to drop deep down into the shadow realms of dark!...i love fairy tales, and mythical creatures...horror films and the macabre...the subversive and the beauty found in the seemingly 'ugly'...these illustrations speak a thousand words to and from my soul out into the big wide strange world...a new direction for me and one i look forwards to stepping into deeper and deeper...time to follow alice down the rabbit hole :-)

xxx

the heart and art of being a human being xxx

''it's all a sukha dukha rollercoaster!!''

i love that phrase, courtesy of one of my darling yogini friends, it basically means, a ride of both the uplifting sweetly delightful (sukha) up moments as well as the unpleasant suffering (dukha) down moments too!...

this last weekend, as the seasons shift of the cyclical year marked the autumn equinox, i attended a weekend long dance workshop lead by the softly souled andrew holmes, which was all about the landscape of the heart...we were exploring this realm of feelings, namely, fear, anger, sadness, joy and compassion...you know, just the usual human range of emotions :-)

the rollercoaster analogy served me well as the dance opened the doorways to delve deep into the hues and timbre of each of these feelings and their corresponding presence in the texture of my body...so much was learned, felt, uncovered and discovered and like the proverbial accordion, time will open out and reveal further insights

however i was struck by something that permeated through the weekends diving...the echo of which whispers its way through the weave of all my beloved practices, whether yoga, meditation, art making, writing or dance...and it's this: 

that everything we experience, all that we feel, is simply a colour and pattern of energy that momentarily wishes to move through us...if we allow it to, it shifts and changes into something else; if we resist it or deny it, or get soo fixated upon it, then it gets stuck, cant move for love nor toffee, its presence overstaying its welcome and creating a possible distortion of the pathways within us...a bit like a traffic jam (is it just me that is fascinated by how traffic jams begin?? is it really the fault of one slow rolling vehicle that a few miles trailing creates a startling out of proportional backlog of barely moving traffic???!! does anyone actually even care???!!!!)...anyways i digress!

so...the point seems to be, whatever we feel, requires us to meet it with a sense of curiousity, acknowledgement and kindness...if we soften into it, breathe into its offerings, treating it like a welcome guest, then we allow it to almost use our body as a stage...a space for it to express itself, perhaps wordlessly, with its own innate choreographer, showing us the greatest performance of soul with us as front seat ticket holders!! in giving what we feel space, and allowing this space to grow from the core of the feeling, out to our fingers and toes, and ultimately beyond our very physicality into the world around us, we become a host, a body almost possessed by the pure spirit of the particular energy...it is through the expression of this energy, that nothing can get stuck, or outstay its welcome!

this is what always amazes me post yoga practice..when once more connected and engaged i feel the vitality of my being right at the edges of my self...its when i feel that those edges have expanded even further, that i am not simply this blessed physical corpus, but that my essence expands further and beyond the realms of my edges...holding onto feelings, through shame, guilt, self consciousness or other tricky demons of doubt, denies our very humanness, and in a way stops us from offering ourselves, all of ourselves, to life!

i was struck at the weekend, when having the gracious priviledge of witnessing others dance and express each of these emotions, how we all show these human feelings of the heart in such different ways, and how mesmerizingly beautiful and touching that was to see...so my lovelies...dont hide away how you feel, dont stop showing others your hearts silent murmurs and cave deep screams...as you offer yourself, you become art, a vessel of spirit, and in that raw vulnerable place of saying 'this is me', we get to wow in wonder at the beauty of your soul

xxx

 

...gotta have faith ffaith ffaith! (tell em george!!)

welcome to the time of the year for letting go dear ones...the first harvesting, the time for re-assessment, and the brave acknowledgment of where, just maybe, we are getting in the way of it all goddamit!!!...a leap into the unknown, dropping the old mind, the old ways, and shaking things loose, all clears us ready to be filled anew for the journey towards the dark of the year :-)

the following quote, by the ever wise, ever inspiring pema chodron, has captured my attention this week and has been resonating and vibrating its wisdom through my bones...

''By not knowing, not hoping to know and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength''

hmmm...not knowing hey?!...interesting as i have found that over the last few months a certain thought has been playing on repeat like a scratched vinyl record in my mind...''how do i do it!!''..or sometimes its cousin chimes in...''i dont know how to do it!!''...the key being the word 'how', and the belief that somehow it's 'i' that needs to, well, 'do it!' (whatever it is..lets say for arguements sake we will call 'it', 'life itself')...so, armed ready and willing to step deeper into the dance of life i feel like i stall at the first gateway...you see, as many of you might relate, i am one of those folk that, you might say, has the tiniest issue with being in control...i mean ever so slightly of course, needing everything and everyone to fit into my vision of how it should be!...i seem to hold this cherished idea of how life should be, what happens next, how you must behave, and woe betide if plans dont match mine!!...dont get me wrong, im no tyrant (at least i dont think i am and i am pretty sure that someone might have sat me down and pointed that out if so), but my need to control all aspects of my life means i need to 'know'...how, when, why, what etc...in fact the whole damn gamut!!...you see the more i am in control, the more, i have always believed, i am 'safe'...safe and secure from the uncertainties of life..those ghastly uncertainties that can truly mess up a chica's best made clipboard holding plans!!...gulp!

what i realise recently, and this came to me quite starkly in a recent meditation, is that by needing to know and control pretty much every aspect of my life doesnt leave any space for the magic, mystery and manifestation to appear..none...nada...zilch...gulp again!!...and in fact, its exactly these uncertainties that hold the key to life's mystery, magic and...erm...manifestations!...so, all those years of holding on tightly and putting everything into a box marked 'this is how it should be', has meant narrowing the tunnel of life's flow, just letting a trickle through, when a whole goddamn ocean of myriad delights has been passing me by!...bummer!!

not knowing hey?...shit thats scary!

you see, my old way had its reasoning folk...if i knew exactly how it was going to be then i could 'protect' myself...i could support myself and ensure that the troublesome experience of an unpredictable life couldnt hurt me, or disappoint me...and yet though this may be true i was in fact living in a separate little bubble...disconnected and certainly not deeply in relationship to life (which ironically i have been seeking and yearning for for many years)...you see, its this relationship to life, when we get outta the way of 'knowing' how it should be, tho filled with uncertainty, hurt, disappointment and chaos, also holds deep joy, love, connection, and the richness of human vulnerable engagement...its a whole spectrum of colours!

which brings me to the key 'friend' here...that as we drop a little more, putting down the clipboard, the plans, the 'how to's' and 'know hows', emptying our hands, unburdening our shoulders, hearts and mind, and offering ourselves into the spacious chasm of the gateway marked '??'...reach out your hand and ask for faith...as all the old false foundations of 'safety' come falling down, hold her hand tight and feel her support...we wont crumble and disappear...we cant lose ourselves if we feel our feet n bellies n heart...and we cant get lost if we ask her to guide and hold us...faith is our friend and the hand to rest into as we head out far far beyond the gateway marked 'unknown' xxx

as mister george michael said in one of his 80's moments

'i gotta have faith...!'

Finally I leave you with the words of rumi…a reminder of how to respond to life from a place of faith and not knowing xxx

‘sell your cleverness, and buy bewilderment’

Ho! x