trapeze

trust

hmmm...its nearly 3 am (am sure theres a leonard cohen song that refers to that time of day!) and my lil fingers itch to tap away and see what words take shape under the influence of tired wearyness and quiet reflection

i am feeling a sense of potential possibility hovering in the air around and above me...almost i am able to reach up onto my tiptoes and pull it close towards me..yet alas it is slightly out of reach tho my fingers touch its edges teasingly...i have been thinking of wildness...juicy wildness... and how one can open up to drink in its influence upon our lives...wildness...

a soul stretching towards and dancing at its edges, surfing the place of known and unknown..diving and dancing between the two..willingly..delightfully.. invitingly...

a life of passion oozing from each pore..its scent intoxicating us and the folk and the world around us...a heart open wide so wide that nothing is denied, nothing is resisted..with true innocence we throw open the doors and windows of our self and stand naked, the light blinding yet illuminating everything...

i love the phrase 'do what makes your heart sing'..it seems so simple yet for me right now there is a conflict within...you see i have all i need in my life.. i have love, family, friendships, work i love, creativity exploding on my living room floor as i write, freedom, health and support...and yet..and yet...something feels amiss...i kinda sense its shape and hue..i hear its whispers in my ear..but you know what is in the way? fear..yes my friends.. god ole big fat fear!

i want to dive in.. i yearn to shake off the confines of fears companionship and say 'what the hell!'...i ask for courage..i make myself vulnerable and say 'fuck! im scared! please help me!'..i want to keep open no matter what and jump into that unknown and dance at the edge of uncertainty, knowing that as long as i listen inwards i will be ok..as long as i trust...

why is that so hard to do? this is what i ask for this year..to face fear and still say 'yes' to the wildness that calls from someplace deeper within me..to believe.. to breathe... to surrender.. to feel.. to live as fully as i possibly can...

amen!

commitment

'Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.'

Goethe

perfectly imperfect

a new year...a new place for our dreams to rest in... a new thought, idea, vision...a new way of being, accepting, surrendering, opening...a new shift in the earths turning cyclical wheel...a new day...a new moon... a new moment...

have you made any resolutions? resolve, or re-solve the mystery of why you habitually make that mistake, take that road, or choose that response? i believe a more kinder way of looking at this age old, and usually fruitless phenomenon, is to change the word 'resolution' into 'intention'.

ah! that feels better already doesnt it? what is your intention? can you check into your body, your heart and your bellys gut intuition? this is where we ought to look and listen if we really want to know what our intention is...

and so i did, this eve, after a meditation and asking for guidance from my higher self, the greater wisdom that holds me, it came to me...'i can, i will, i am'...

can, will, am

feels so so strong, affirmative, focused, directed, and positive for me...as a gal who oozes ideas for creative projects from my pores richly on a daily basis (yes, yes, i know how blessed that is!), unfortunately often those luscious gems of creative threads dont find there way out of the ball they attach to in my mind and time moves on, new ideas crop up, excitement rises, and once again, those threads are loosened from my fingers...i seem to have had this inability to take action, to put in the energy and effort, as well as the plentiful time i have available,on my creative life...and no, i am compassionate enough to know that i do create sometimes, and i teach which in itself is incredibly creative, yet i desire to create daily, to reach out and plug into that source so that it washes over and thro me in a constant and effortless flow...filling me, inspiring me, transforming me...

instead sloth kicks its heels into my back, neighing loudly and pushing me to stay in bed, to watch that tv programme, to potter, to waste time on activities that quite frankly often do not fill me from the inside...and so...

i can, i will, i am...

*put energy, effort and time into my creative life

*focus on filling me from the inside with juicy play, pleasure, practice, silence, nature time, friendships that nourish, good foods, adequate sleep (eek says the night owl), and mostly oodles of self love and care

*accept the now, where i am, and keep making those lil steps towards my dreams

*keep coming home to myself , thro my body, my breath, and my senses

*open deeper and deeper to trust, faith, grace and patience

*believe in myself as the gorgeous, delightful being that i am

*practice gratitude for all the abundance i have

*be braver and take risks especially when i dont know what the outcome will be

*love love love

*be perfectly imperfect

what is your new year intention?

perfect

i am having one of those brief but incredibly delicious moments of clarity...well i say brief but i seem to be resting in this spacious place for the last few hours!... all is well... all is perfect... all that is my reality and my life is a blessing, rich, beautiful, and joyous.... i dont know how long this will last, tho i know that unless i have gained enlightenment (unlikely tho would be great!) this moment too shall pass and once again the grasping, seeking, comparing, needing and all too human mind will come crashing back into the drivers seat bringing mayhem and mischievousness its way!

so i am enjoying the place i find myself this eve...hearing the sounds of the city...the tapping of my fingernails on the keys of my laptop.. the warmth of my fleecy pyjamas holding my fire, comforting me...the pillows behind me easing and supporting my back...my toes softly dancing with each other.... my breath gentle and soft...a little smile on my face...just this moment... just this now...

how did i get here? i cannot say for sure but maybe... just maybe these factors came into play:

1) i feel truly deeply incredibly blessed to be doing the 'work' that i do...i love teaching.. i love my students.. all of them...i love what i receive from the experience of sharing these ancient practices...i am filled with so much gratitude for this in my life right now

2) i spent the afternoon with a dear, beautiful and inspiring friend...sipping tea and eating cake...sharing news and snippets from our lives...laughing... shopping... basking in the warmth of open hearts...lately i have really been feeling how lucky i am in the amount of love and friendship i have in my life.. its kinda blown me away!... i am one very lucky lil lady!

3) the amount of support i seem to be receiving from the universe around my 'alchemy of the arts' events and retreats seems to be unbounding... truly! again i feel deeply grateful and also very excited to witness my little seed gently and tenderly taking shoot.. i will be careful to nurture it and tend to its needs as it hopefully continues to grow both widely and wildly to dance with the world

4) tho i do not wish to offer too deep an insight into what has been a tenderly painful yet devastatingly delicious distraction over the last few months, the ending of my latest dalliance in intimacy and love, has offered me so much insight and so many gifts... thro the tears and heart breaking sadness of it all, i can feel gratitude, once more, lurking quietly in the corner of my heart..i took a risk, and i will risk again, someday!

god... do i sound like i have been swallowing happy pills?!.. i can asure you that whilst that is certainly not the case, i have been swallowing pills of a different nature... these ones have 'thank you' written on them...someone once said, and i think it was meister eckhart,

"if you only say one prayer in your life, make it 'thank you'"

om namaha

planet magic

'energy burst'... mixed media on canvas

one of the ways i like to keep connection with the earth and its cycles is to turn a curious eye to any astrological events that may be occuring and messing with my status quo! i am always intrigued to find out that some strong planetary alignment has possibly (and please note the word possibly!) had an influence on what i may be experiencing that week. hell if we are so effected by the full moon (and accidents and emergencys always report an increase in walk-ins at this time of the month) then surely it is not so far fetched that some of its large bodied cousins may have say in how we are doing too?!

on december 10th, mischievous mercury goes retrograde messing up our plans, and causing potential setbacks...such a trickster is that mercury!

however the key to dealing with mercury is that it reminds us to loosen up that control part of us when things go awry...it's by learning to deal with the little setbacks that we become more successful at tackling some of life's bigger challenges.

this time mercury will travel thro capricorn, our practical earthy cautious planetary energy. a reminder not to get too carried away by big spending this season, but maybe to step back and offer from your heart instead...make some lil gifts; give your time and a friendly ear to loved ones; have the pleasure of experiences together with those folk you love.

however, if mercury's prankster energy causes appliances to stop working, that letter you were waiting for not showing up, or your train journey being delayed, remember to step back, take a deep breath and smile. can we create that space within where the world can falter a little and its not the end of the world?...unless it is the end of the world of course! but thats a different story altogether!

on a more intriguing note, the 10th will also boost a lil romance in the air, as mercury and venus (planet of love) sparkle and dance in sexy seductive passionate scorpio...turn up that heat and find alternate ways to warm those cockles folk!

love

the true meaning of love is to stay with. i have been thinking of this lately. how it relates to our yoga practice: staying with the edge, the challenge in a difficult posture, the challenge of a whirlwind mind. to love our self means to stay with our self, like a good friend not leaving our side, but holding us close and whispering words of comfort and support tenderly in our ear. when we stay with ourself we no longer abandon our self, our inner child, like we may have chosen to do many times before, in a blind panic, in not knowing what to do, or how to make it better.

when life is so painful it is easier to turn away. when our heart aches it is easier to look away. anything is easier than feeling the pain, than owning the suffering. so turn away we do, so many ways, like a carnival, to distract us. here are some of my favourites: tv, too loud music so i can no longer hear my self think, cleaning the flat, reading, surfing the net for hours, wild night out, disconnect from feeling my body, and the one i am most skilled at, being ridiculously busy!

yet, i know that each time i turn away from my self, from staying with my self, from loving my self, i am breaking my own heart, i am betraying the only one who will travel with me until my last breath out.and so i have made a commitment recently, to keep turning back, to fully notice when i just have to look away for a while, and then gently, so gently, find my way back, to holding my own hand, shyly, softly, no words needed, no apology, no guilt. simply sitting besides my self once more fully feeling all that is moving through me.

and believe me, sometimes this takes great strength, a great warrior heart, yet it is the only way.

if i love my self, i choose to stay, no matter what, until the bitterness of my pain turns into the sweetest blossom my heart could ever hold, and i know that a new day is finally dawning upon me and my beloved self.

inspiration

love (mixed media)

'do what you love

love what the moments of your beating pulse offer

what is your passion dear soul?

can i hear your whispers beneath the raging city decibels?

the twitching of my ears to sounds of music

feet up then down with the beat

beating the earth as she hums in delight

whilst skeleton limbs throw shapes with the wind.

the light of my eyes filled with you

yes, you, who shines a talented furl my way

teasing and inspiring my fingers to play

with words paint feathers wood sound,

in ways new, to me, anyways

do what you love

no time wasted start now,

breathe inspiration into a full belly

of tomorrows dreams'

why is it so hard to simply do what we love most? what makes our heart sing, our eyes twinkle, our belly feel warm? is it fear? i wonder what we are so afraid of.

maybe we are afraid that if we began to truly live as we desire so deeply, that our carefully placed world will topple and fall like the last card atop a playing card house. our lives might change. our priorities seemingly different. our little everyday to do lists of monotonous ongoing tasks may not get ticked off. whats the pay off? increased happiness. knowing we have created meaning to our time on this earth. courage to continue to risk for the sake of living fully and feeling deeply. a satisfaction that we no longer procrastinated in the creating of our one singular precious life.